The Hour Of Power

i have been thinking about you.

it's just for the last 4 days i haven't been able to think of anything worthwhile to write about. everything drips with mediocracy and the hum-drum of life. and while that's only interesting in the details (for instance, i bought a piece of luggage and the most exciting part about it is that it's hot pink) it's not enough to build a solid entry around.

But i'll give you a peek into all the things i've been thinking about, because essentially, it's better than not writing at all. in no particular order: coming home, calling the judge who will marry us, wedding insurance, leaving N, budget, alcohol that we can't afford, paying another deposit to our caterer, invitations, responses, The Hills, a dress fitting, how this lifestyle is not condusive to weight loss, 105 temperatures & outdoor exercise, a job, hurricanes, matisse.

see, i told you it wouldn't be exciting. but it's alll that buzzes around my head. day in, day out.

i've been waking up late at night at what i call the hour of power - around 4am. it usually starts with a trip to the bathroom and then i just begin to wander the small confines of this space. i check my e-mail, the blogs i read. i lay on the couch and try to close my eyes but my head just keeps on running. it's been something i've been fighting since Matisse came into our lives or since i really started planning this wedding, i don't know which. I don't believe it's a cause or effect, i just believe that a little knob turned somewhere in my head and told me that i can't relax, i can't rest, i have to check off little boxes on my internal to do list. maybe it comes with age and maturity. maybe when your body & mind realize that you have emotionally graduated from college and can no longer spend long nights dangling a cigarette over the ash tray, taking long drags from it in between sips of cheap beer. Maybe the mind knows it's no longer useful or beneficial (was it ever?) to stay up till 5 am in the morning and sleep till 3 pm that afternoon. Life no longer becomes ruled by our own selfishness but we must grow up for others - for matisse that needs to be walked twice a day, by finding a job that helps me to contribute to our dreams, to put together a wedding that i am proud of and others enjoy.

It's not that we want to grow up. there are times i would still like to max my credit card out on bar outfits & bar tabs. there are still times i wished i lived in my studio apartment built for one because it means i wouldn't have the responsibility of caring for 3. i still wish for careless days in which i could eat fast food at 4 am. but now that i'm older & supposably, wiser i know none of that is who i am. the knob turned and i became older. i now save for long trips around the world and try as i might i cannot revert back to a time that now lays behind me. i must move forward because its impossible to go any other direction.

That's Not Just Any Smoke Trail . . .

That's from the Endeavour Space Launch. Sorry, I missed out on getting you an actual picture of the space ship. It was faster than my camera could pick up but it essentially looked like a burning cigarette shooting through the sky.

I'll Admit It, I Can't Get Enough

I have the bug so badly that i hunted down the 2nd book last night @ 9pm. Desperate, i tell you, desperate.

Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel

1. For the sake of this post, I just learned how to spell Barrel thanks to my beloved Dictionary.com. I thought it had 2 L's or 2 R's or both.

2. For the last 10 or 12 days i've had my period. yeah, good times. sign me up for this more often. please. It started with slight spotting last Monday, got a little heavier on Wednesday and hasn't stopped since. It's nothing if not determined. And the whole thing has totally drained me of energy, has been causing havoc on the innards and has replaced my usual sunny disposation with a rain cloud complete with thunder claps. I'm sure N is just loving the new me . . . when he asks how i'm doing he expects the socially acceptable response of "good" or even "fine" but instead he gets a woman who's eyes bug out of her head, her hair stands straight on end and says "take a guess?? i dare you. . ." My guts hurt. it flucuates between intense cramping, a constant pressure and the feeling that my insides are trying to spill out through my belly button. And when it isn't my stomache it feels like i've been hit with a baseball bat on my temple. Or if my head is not throbbing, i'm so exhausted i sleep the whole day away on the couch.

I couldn't be better. really.

3. I finally picked up the first Harry Potter book. Yes, i said the 1st one. Truth is i wanted to wait until all the hoopla was over. Till it just became a really good book and not a national phenomenon or pop culture icon. Unfortunately, i'm starting to believe that will never happen considering i happened to accidently step into Borders Books the night of the final book release. Good Lord, i was the only Muggle in the whole store. It instantly transported me the most horrific memory of working until midnight at B&N to satisfy some kid's fix. They would come to my with drug crazed eyes asking when exactly the book would be released (midnight), what happened in it (i don't know kid, just because i work at this god forsaken place doesn't mean i am privillaged enough to read books that haven't even been released. I'm a cashier. Not J.K Rowling's editor), and what character i would be if i could (myself. that's why you don't see me dressed in big round glasses and a cape).

But i finally can say that i've made peace with all the hoopla. Have accepted it for what it is. And am REALLY enjoying the book.

4. One good thing came out of the broken camera. N's looking forward to getting a new, more improved one next. And i've already told myself to keep my accident prone hands off it.

5. Released a little over a year ago and i recently just bought the entire album. Corrinne Bailey Rae/Self Titled. Excellent. Pick it up.

How To Ruin A Good Day

It's this simple: have a great morning at Ponce Inlet. Proceed to Daytona Beach. Take your boyfriend's $200 camera out to said beach. Wait long enough for high tide. Then have wave wash up on beach getting the camera both wet & sandy.

Then in a desperate attempt to resolve the issue, spend 10 minutes in car trying to wipe away every bit of sand, turn it on to make sure it's still functioning and have the lense not retract when turn off.

Later boyfriend will tell you of importance of not turning on electronics when they are wet.

Walk away feeling like an idiot and realizing there is absolutely nothing you can do to rectify the situation. But just in case offer your life savings which amounts to a measly $75, which doesn't even pay for half of the camera.

End fun. Start not so fun.

Now that i think about it, and after having 3 days to think about it, turning tricks on the corner (per N's suggestion) may not be a half bad idea.

Ignorance Is Bliss & So Is Animal Planet At 7am

I have found that there are alternative ways to wake up in the morning. i don't need an alarm clock, i don't need the smell of coffee to lull me from my dreams or the voices of free beer & hot wings @ 5.30 in the morning. i don't need sweet kisses from my boyfriend or my dog (depending on my geographic location).

All i need is Animal Planet at 7 am. the quiet videos of other people starting their days. the sunrise over small ports, over coastal cities. i just need images of a kayak moving slowly through the ocean drowned in the morning light. i just need to watch small fishing ships load up their vessels with crab traps and hear the hum of engines and the songs of the sea gulls overhead. at that hour you don't want to think about crises around the world via CNN, hear the voice of a used car salesman during commercial breaks, or try to muddle through the drama of Law & Order, or the laughs of Kelly Rippa at such an early and volatile hour.

i want to wake up and believe that all is well in the world, that everyone rested as well as i. i need beautiful scenic imagery of the ocean moving in soft, rhythmatic patterns. i need the photo of an empty path through a winding forest. i need something peaceful that quiets me inside as well as out. that inspires me to open the curtains wide. to walk out the front door to an unpredictable world.

BlogHer

when i was in college, i found the only way i could truly study for an exam was in my bedroom with lab like conditions: a clean space in which every item was in its given place, indirect lighting, a total of 3 cds playing at random loud enough that i could hear the instruments but not the singing, a big mug of coffee to sip between thoughts and a blanket to wrap around me when i became chilled. these were the only conditions that worked for me. they were the only conditions that allowed for enough concentration to guarantee that A the next day.

i find i need similiar circumstances when posting on my blog. i tend to hunch down in a lazy chair, toss a blanket over my legs, put in my ear buds, pour myself a glass of wine and hunker down for the long haul until i like the post enough to actually expose it to eyes other than my own.

in this regard, N & i are completely different people. he sits down for 5 minutes in the evening and writes what is on his mind. mine can be a 3 hour endeavour. i believe there has to be some story, some insight, some lesson i've walked away from to become a more rounded person. i want to offer you something that i have sacrificed myself for.

but i don't know if that's the case. i don't know if people check my blog 3x a day to see i've updated. i don't know if people look forward to reading this. i don't know if they recommend it to others. i don't know if it's listed in their favorites.

which ultimately brings me to the point of all this blabbering. i've encountered blogher, a community of blogging women. it's a place to post your blog, gain exposure, connect with other women through mutual interest. it's caught my attention and i think i would like to join but to be honest i just don't know if I am at their level. i've read some of the blogs that belong to this community and they are, well, fucking fantastic.

these women have something worthwhile to say every single day. they talk of struggles with their children, their marriages, their careers. they take beautiful, perfectly composed pictures. they come up with catchy titles and funny antedotes. they paint beautiful pictures with words. they are what i strive to be.

i know it's all about vulnerability. all about self-esteem. i am not so closed off to myself that i don't realize that. but i'm hesistant to put something out there for constructive criticism when it is so near and dear to my heart (when it takes me 5 hours to compose 5 paragraphs). when it's my life we're talking about. i fear the reprecussions of that. but on the other hand, i don't want to live a life ruled by fear. it gets you nowhere. especially not to a place where one day i can say proudly that i have accomplished my dreams.