Yeah, ok, I get it already. Your trying to teach me the attributes of resilency, of a tough skin, of the ability to bounce back and the importance of flexibility. I understand what you're trying to teach me and apparently I needed to learn those things. I just have once complaint: Do all these life lessons have to happen in the span of 1 week?
I guess you don't quite understand how entirely broken i've felt lately. Add to the list haggard, tired, weak, worn, completely exhausted and maybe a little bit insane and you have an accurate picture of how i've been feeling. And yet, without fail you keep bringing the punches like a professional boxer. But believe me, i'm down and the referee has counted to 3 and i've still made no attempt to get up.
In other words. You win.
And yet I have this dreadful feeling that you're not through yet. Instead as you keep throwing the punches you'll offer up some semi-philosophichal bullshit to answer the age-old question: why when it rains does it pour? You'll say that humanity learns better when they've already been thrown to the ground; that we're more willing to pay attention; to learn the lessons; to negotiate a different plan; to implement change. Of course, you'll cite examples and drop phrases like "rock bottom" and "rehabilitation."
And in case you weren't already aware, you have my full attention. I've been hit by both sides and have sought shelter in a bunker only to be hit again. And this last week, this last month, this last year as a matter of fact, has been nothing short of one big lesson plan.
But I would like to state for the record that i have approximately 60 years (give or take a little) of life left to live, so would it kill you to give me a chance to catch my breath before you side-swipe me again? How about we spread these life lessons out a little more than one-a-day?
That'd be great.
Thank you,
LTR
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Alright
I'm all right y'all.
No really, I am alright despite what previous blog posts may have dictated.
The poem, if you even want to call it that, was an idea that popped into my head and I tried to see how far I could take it. It had been written in a journal that lies on my bed side table and was an idea that had been worked and re-worked many times; chicken scratches of words and phrases crossed out and crossed out again when I thought I had found the next best thing. That's all.
Granted, a part of it may have stemmed from some point of me. The world has seemed to be resting heavy on my shoulders lately for whatever reason. Emotions pile up and I don't feel the I have the right to express them because I know in no way is my life any more difficult than the person next to me; or because I know they're foolish emotions - temporary, fleeting - and i'll wake up feeling fine tomorrow; or because I realize that their not going to change any time soon so I might as well sit down and stay with them awhile. Revel in them, get to know them a little.
Loneliness takes a toll on me. Day after day spent alone leaves a lot of opportunity for me to be alone with my thoughts. I think of home, of the guilt I feel leaving yet another dog with my parents (they took on Dudley because G couldn't have him); or the guilt of not being there for my own; I think of the creature comforts I miss as well - 600 thread count sheets, a full wardrobe, pictures and decorations that are familiar to me; being able to drink out of a glass before inspecting it because I wonder what filth the last person left in it; I think of being unemployed, about being out of school about how unsuccessful and unaccomplished I feel; I think about stability and how badly I do without it; I think about the next time we'll have our home again and how long we'll get to stay there; I think about family and friends, how they get to share times without us and how that pangs the heart a little; or how I wish I could be there in times of need for my own family and friends, instead I have to somehow transport my heart and hands through the telephone rather than offer them up in person.
It's difficult being away, growing up, moving on. And some of these life lessons seem to come all at once like a big ball that rolls me over and puts me out of commission for a while. And I just want to run home to the safety of what I know but then realize that home is 400 miles away in a tiny, empty apartment that holds my heart.
So I take a deep breath and hope the next day gets better.
No really, I am alright despite what previous blog posts may have dictated.
The poem, if you even want to call it that, was an idea that popped into my head and I tried to see how far I could take it. It had been written in a journal that lies on my bed side table and was an idea that had been worked and re-worked many times; chicken scratches of words and phrases crossed out and crossed out again when I thought I had found the next best thing. That's all.
Granted, a part of it may have stemmed from some point of me. The world has seemed to be resting heavy on my shoulders lately for whatever reason. Emotions pile up and I don't feel the I have the right to express them because I know in no way is my life any more difficult than the person next to me; or because I know they're foolish emotions - temporary, fleeting - and i'll wake up feeling fine tomorrow; or because I realize that their not going to change any time soon so I might as well sit down and stay with them awhile. Revel in them, get to know them a little.
Loneliness takes a toll on me. Day after day spent alone leaves a lot of opportunity for me to be alone with my thoughts. I think of home, of the guilt I feel leaving yet another dog with my parents (they took on Dudley because G couldn't have him); or the guilt of not being there for my own; I think of the creature comforts I miss as well - 600 thread count sheets, a full wardrobe, pictures and decorations that are familiar to me; being able to drink out of a glass before inspecting it because I wonder what filth the last person left in it; I think of being unemployed, about being out of school about how unsuccessful and unaccomplished I feel; I think about stability and how badly I do without it; I think about the next time we'll have our home again and how long we'll get to stay there; I think about family and friends, how they get to share times without us and how that pangs the heart a little; or how I wish I could be there in times of need for my own family and friends, instead I have to somehow transport my heart and hands through the telephone rather than offer them up in person.
It's difficult being away, growing up, moving on. And some of these life lessons seem to come all at once like a big ball that rolls me over and puts me out of commission for a while. And I just want to run home to the safety of what I know but then realize that home is 400 miles away in a tiny, empty apartment that holds my heart.
So I take a deep breath and hope the next day gets better.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
The Puppet
held up by the strings of a puppeteer called obligation
i must, so i do
dance for an audience
act out a part dictated by someone else
all for the entertainment and delight of others
but when the show is over
the stage lights go out
the puppeteer lays me down
in a puddle of strings and bent wooden limbs
no longer controlled by someone else
but not strong enough to pick myself up
at this time
i get to finally be myself
a moment to be alone
a chance to breathe
at this time
i make the decisions, not any puppeteer
and i always decide to cry a tear
down past the lips of my painted smile
hoping for the chance to someday
be the puppeteer of my own life.
i must, so i do
dance for an audience
act out a part dictated by someone else
all for the entertainment and delight of others
but when the show is over
the stage lights go out
the puppeteer lays me down
in a puddle of strings and bent wooden limbs
no longer controlled by someone else
but not strong enough to pick myself up
at this time
i get to finally be myself
a moment to be alone
a chance to breathe
at this time
i make the decisions, not any puppeteer
and i always decide to cry a tear
down past the lips of my painted smile
hoping for the chance to someday
be the puppeteer of my own life.
Friday, January 4, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
On And On We Go
N to bed early. It's only a little after 9. Headache. Stomache. We keep passing it back and forth. Now I wonder what to do with the rest of my evening. I already recorded some recipes that I found worthwhile. N's a tough critic so while I may try out 4 new recipes a week, only 1 will make it into the "yeah, that's good enough to make again" pile.
I'll find something to do with my evening.
On and on I'll go.
I finished the book Atonement today. Was glad to get to the last page which is unusual for me. The story, I found, wasn't very captivating and it was a tough read. I'll return it to the used book store in Sanford. I've finally learned the importance of giving away books that I really don't care about. Last year I would have found it heresy to sell a book even if I didn't like it.
Recycle. Reuse. On and on we go. Thru the next year.
Down 2 (or is it 4?) dress sizes this year. It's not something I usually talk about. I understand how easily successes can turn into failure. How life can become quickly unbalanced. That food/exercise habits can follow. Bought new jeans and received them this week. Haven't fit in that size since my freshman year in college. 7 years ago. Crazy.
I sought balance. I sought truth. I sought a reality I could live with. I sought happiness in spite of circumstances beyond my control. I learned the lessons. I learned so much about myself.
Balance is the key. On and on we go. Thru the next year.
No word yet about the application N submitted for a job. I'm trying to put positive vibes into the world. I'm trying to be upbeat. I'm trying to not worry about the future because I have no control beyond what I am capable of. We'll be ok.
On and on we go.
Journaling again. Praying again - to God, to Allah, to Mother earth (I have no idea to whom) - it makes me accountable for my actions. It put things in perspective. It makes me feel whole again. And the last year or so, I've really lost that part of me. It's good to be back to that feeling. It good to realize that there is more to me than day to day living. It's good to hold the belief that there is a world out there bigger than me. I hope so.
On and on we go.
May you, friends & family, find success, fullfillment, joy & peace in 2008.
On and on we go
thru the next year.
I'll find something to do with my evening.
On and on I'll go.
I finished the book Atonement today. Was glad to get to the last page which is unusual for me. The story, I found, wasn't very captivating and it was a tough read. I'll return it to the used book store in Sanford. I've finally learned the importance of giving away books that I really don't care about. Last year I would have found it heresy to sell a book even if I didn't like it.
Recycle. Reuse. On and on we go. Thru the next year.
Down 2 (or is it 4?) dress sizes this year. It's not something I usually talk about. I understand how easily successes can turn into failure. How life can become quickly unbalanced. That food/exercise habits can follow. Bought new jeans and received them this week. Haven't fit in that size since my freshman year in college. 7 years ago. Crazy.
I sought balance. I sought truth. I sought a reality I could live with. I sought happiness in spite of circumstances beyond my control. I learned the lessons. I learned so much about myself.
Balance is the key. On and on we go. Thru the next year.
No word yet about the application N submitted for a job. I'm trying to put positive vibes into the world. I'm trying to be upbeat. I'm trying to not worry about the future because I have no control beyond what I am capable of. We'll be ok.
On and on we go.
Journaling again. Praying again - to God, to Allah, to Mother earth (I have no idea to whom) - it makes me accountable for my actions. It put things in perspective. It makes me feel whole again. And the last year or so, I've really lost that part of me. It's good to be back to that feeling. It good to realize that there is more to me than day to day living. It's good to hold the belief that there is a world out there bigger than me. I hope so.
On and on we go.
May you, friends & family, find success, fullfillment, joy & peace in 2008.
On and on we go
thru the next year.
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