Places So Far Away & A Long Time Ago

It sort of smelled like warm beer on a hot summer's day and the scent, acting so much like a snapshot, made me stop dead in my tracks. It took me back to the summers of the 80's when shoulder pads and leg warmers were acceptable fashion choices and I was just a tomboy with dirty feet and short hair. My brother and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents (R), it seems. It was probably owed more to the fact that my parents needed a cheap babysitter and we were the only grandchildren in a 3000 mile radius that lent itself to the companionship I found with my grandfather than anything else.

There were summers spent at a small camp ground with a fishing hole and a rusty swingset; nights by the campfire and inside a rather cramped camper where the dining table would magically transform into a bed at just the right moment (aka my bedtime). There were lazy weekends when I would get up early - when everyone else was still warm and asleep in their own beds - and ride over to my grandparent's house on my bike to browse the Sunday comics or have grandpa fix a flat tire. There were Saturday evenings when my grandparents would have dinner parties or maybe it was just neighbors stopping over to say hello, regardless, I would stay quiet and out of the way by looking through dusty picture albums stored underneath living room chairs, brushing my fingers over old pictures of my dad when he was my age.

Then, there were the days I would spend with my grandparents - spaghettios for lunch while we watched Wheel of Fortune; playing dress up in my grandmother's sheer lacy curtains that transformed into an ideal wedding dress even as they hung from the window; an old 50's style hoop skirt discarded from my aunt that became the real treasure I found in the attic; stands for my paper dolls crafted by my grandfather's hands; singing Amazing Grace with my grandfather as he soaked his tired worn feet and as I pretended mine were just as tired, just as worn.

I lost two of my grandparents before I was old enough to form any real memories of them. My grandfather (R) died when I was 7, my grandma when I was 20. I lost all of my grandparents at an age when no child should be confronted with the burden of death or the ache of loosing someone close. I remember their funerals with a vividness that still haunts me; the smell of the flowers, the feel of the plush red carpet underneath my mary janes; the outpouring of quiches and casseroles; the whisperings of pain and loss; the silence that seems to envelope all as they confront their memories and their own mortality.

And everyday I wish they were still here. That pain never goes away, it's just dulled by time and the realization that there is a life to live. But sometimes I get a whiff of my past rather through a smell of warm beer on a hot summer's day or through a tattered photograph that brings the past to the forefront and makes me realize how lucky I was for 2 years, 5 years, 7 years and 20 years to be able to hold on to those that I have now lost.

Memories of places so far away and a long time ago.

Change Or Lack Of

Aah, the wonderful feeling of beating someone into submission; of playing the bad guy. There's nothing like that high. Or so I hear. It's not really a description I like to fill. In fact, I feel a little piece of me die every time I have to take on the role because it is so out of character for me. I am typically the one to empathize, to sympathize and then to gently nudge forward over shared commaraderie and a stiff martini. That's more my style; how I move in the world.

But i've learned that approach works better with girlfriends than my own husband. He's not one to sit down for a good round of girl talk which includes hypothesizing about the future, belief of what our role is in the world, the nuances of our relationship, and how we've changed in the past and how we'll probably change in the future. That's not his style. He deals better in mathematical formulas and scientific theory than matters of the heart. Especially when it concerns his own.

For a while now I've tried encouraging N to start searching for a new job. Our short stint as two unemployed married adults with the possibility of moving in with the in-laws jerked my chain a little, made me realize that some life goals needed to be in place for us to achieve whatever dreams we want out of life. Or at the very least, to ensure that we can pay our rent payment next month. I'm a realist after all and like to live my life with a back up plan (and then a back-up plan for that one).

While my skills easily carry from state to state, border to border, job to job N's are a little more specialized and well, higher paying, so i had made it my own personal goal to help him realize his dreams. Which, ironically, has also become a very real nightmare for him.

I tried at first with the gentle approach, bringing up the touchy subject only when I felt like his guard was down and tried sparing him any real pain by making the conversation as quick as possible while still feeling satisified that I had made my point. However, no real epiphanies were reached; no heart-to-hearts lasting beyond 5 minutes and involving ben & jerrys.

I'm not saying i'm a master of communication by any means. I can tell whole world my woes and worries but when it comes to sitting one-on-one with the ONE who really matters, i get tongue tied and typically shut down becauase I don't want ot offend, hurt or in any way disappoint.

But, I also realize when there is a need and usually focus all my energy into fulfilling that need, meaning neccessity has always breed invention. So, I grabbed his hand and hoped that my assistance in the process could yield results: I updated his resumes, helped him write a couple of cover letters, searched on Monster for jobs I thought he would excel at/be qualified for/enjoy and e-mailed them to him.

When I first met N, he was goofy and quirky and the most intelligent person I had ever encountered and oh, so different than I. He had a savings account, I was living off a credit card. My apartment was a design not an afterthough, while he spent his time lounging on a foam couch he had inhertited from a family member. I thought appearance was everything, while he hadn't picked up an iron in several years and believed that black jeans were acceptable.

But I told myself that I wouldn't try to change him, because I had fallen in love with him just as he was. And I haven't changed him intentionally or for altruistic reasons, we have slowly evolved together. I am debt free, he picked out our dishes, I have days where I don't wear makeup, he has retired the black jeans.

So I come to my own realization; the ephiphany I was pushing N towards I have found myself: It's unfair to want someone to take on your hopes, dreams, desires as their own if they don't want them too. I should have taken the cue a long time ago when I realized prodding wasn't working so why would yelling and cussing and general mania? He, at this point, has no desire for change whether because he enjoys his job more than I know or because he loves this crazy, completely unrpedictable lifestyle or because he's afraid of seeking the change he thinks he might need to make.

Either way, it's not me who can facilitate it. I can question him, challenge him and help him realize potential, but I certaintly can't force it.

I'll accept the status quo and try not to worry about tomorrow; we can't fight against the unknown. I'll try to make my own happiness rather than force a change of scenery, a different situation, in hopes that that will finally make me happy.

Necessity breeds invention. Therefore, it's time to create my own happiness.

And give time, patience and a loving heart so N can create his too.

If You Buy Just One Song In 2008

Let it be this one. . .

Breathe Me/Sia/Colour the Small One

Gravity

gravity is working against me
and gravity wants to bring me down
oh i'll never know what makes this man
with all the love that his heart can stand
dream of ways to throw it all away

oh gravity is working against me
and can't sustain like one half could
it's wanting more
that's gonna send me to my knees

oh twice as much
isn't twice as good
and can't sustain like one half could
it's wanting more
that's gonna send me to my knees

oh gravity stay the hell away from me
and gravity has taken better men than me
now how can that be

just keep me where the light is
just keep me where the light is
keep you all where the light is
just keep me where the light is
oh where the light is

gravity/john mayer/try!

B&N Interview

The job sounds like it's mine if I decide I want it. The woman who interviewed me said she saw me walk in and drop off my application. She swiped it up because I looked "bubbly and happy and after contacting my former b&n manager in grand rapids who gave me a "glowing review" she said the job is pretty much available for my taking. She just has to contact HR and straighten out a few details.

This stressed me out beyond belief for some reason.

So I went and spent $55 dollars on 2 pairs of fierce shoes, 3 new belts, and 3 pairs of earrings.

Nothing like binge shopping to take the edge off.

Hikes, Interviews & MLK Day

Well, we did go for that hike. All 7 miles of it. It was nice to get outdoors in the sun, to climb over tree roots, to see field mice scatter in the path infront of us, to eat a picnic of peanut butter & jelly sandwhiches in the open air, to really get back to the basics.

Yeah, I totally regret the idea.

But N loved it and I know it was good for me to do something I wouldn't ordinarily do. And I know it's so good for my body and that alone puts a smile on my face.

So all in all it was a successful day and I survived. Next weekend we're considering trying the 13.5 mile trail and only doing 9 of it. N's all for it, so I guess it's me who's really doing the considering part.

Tomorrow I have an interview at Barnes & Noble. I turned in my application on Thursday evening and they called me early this morning. I guess that's a good sign, but in some ways it feels like a few steps back considering I worked there a few years ago and SWORE I would never go back. N reminded me there is no shame in survival and the truth is it is just temporary, not something I will dedicate the rest of my life to. I am also awaiting to hear what date works to interview with Dog Day Afternoon. I would like the chance to interview with them before I make any sort of commitment.

Regardless of what job I take it will deeply satisfying to have an income, lead a busy life again and meet new people. I have been in need of that sort of personal satisfaction for a while now.

N had today off since it was MLK day and therefore, a federal holiday. He woke up extremely late, I shoved him out of bed and told him to get dressed and brush his teeth, and then sent him off to work. He called me about 2 minutes later saying he remembered he had the day off. We both have some sort of intestinal bug so it's probably for the better. We laid low for most of the day, both taking a 2 hour nap this afternoon, and then got up and took a walk this afternoon.

So many changes in the air. What next?

At This Point In My Life

ISFJ
(33% 62% 38% 44%)

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.