dear,

you look at me and say "explain yourself."
i hear you on the other end of the line "tell me."
"what do you want?" "where are you headed?"
"you create your own destiny, now tell me what makes you happy?"

i falter in my words. i hear criticism for a life so undecided, the echo of adults who have time and time again reiterated your own words but have tainted them with judgement, rather than empathy or understanding.

but i know that's not what you mean to convey. when i step away from the conversation and the inevitable emotion that follows it, i hear you trying to push me towards the world i've always wanted. you don't intend to critize, you just want to see me happy, and to you it doesn't matter how i get there or what it is that makes me so. you just want me h.a.p.p.y.

and when you ask, i crawl into myself because i don't have the right answer and i am afraid to tell you the answer i do have. simple things make me happy like a good cup of coffee, a great book, a full night's sleep, playing fetch with matisse, strawberry picking during summertime, singing out loud, a warm blanket, flannel pajamas fresh from the dryer, conversing with friends, a bargain. there are a million, trillion small things that make me happy, but when it comes to the greater things. . . .

i've always struggled. i find happiness after the fact but never in the midst of it. i look back on a certain point in my life and think "that was it" but while i'm living it i tend to focus on a part of the pie that's bad days rather than the larger part of the pie that occupies good days. i am not a consistently happy person, contrary to popular belief.

but you, you, have been the exception. for 3 years now you have made me consistantly happy. jump in air, click my heels together happy. h.a.p.p.y. with your arm around my waist you have given me more confidence than i have experienced before. with your warm body against mine, i have never felt more secure. strolling around in pajamas, i've never felt more sexy. you make me laugh harder than anyone else. you silence the world around me. you silence me. inside.

it's a simple happiness with you. it's also a complex one. so when you ask me what makes me happy, it sounds so rudimentary, so cheesy. you. you make me happy. but it's the truth.

i don't know how the rest of my journey will play out. i don't know if i'll be inspired to finish art school. or if i'll find happiness in something completely different. i don't know if i'll find happiness here in michigan or in florida, or idaho. but i believe that all of those aspects of my life will come together just like it has come together with you. slowly and over time it will develop into a deep love. a deep happiness

right now, what makes me happiest is you. and that's why when you insist "what makes you happy?" i pause. because it's so simple. i want to be near you, with you, hand-in-hand beside you.