That Which Inspires

I have things that need to be written. a wedding program. letters. thank you notes. journal entries laying out my life - right now - at this moment - as to not forget in the future. I have the pressure of an impending deadline. I have the pressure of knowing there are expectations. Awareness that the words i write down on a single sheet of paper will be recorded for a life time: whether it's preserved in memory or in a yellowing envelope in someone's dresser drawer. In years time they will pull it out of its wrinkled envelope, sit down in their favorite lounge chair and recount the words and the time in their life when they were spoken, written, read.

And that pressure makes me stop short. makes the pencil halt. makes my mind go blank. makes me believe, even just momentarily, that i can't do it. that i don't measure up. that it will never, no matter how hard i try, be as good as i would like it to be. The fear that won't be able to convey all that i want to and the words will fail me. . .

The absolute fear that i will not, god forbid, MEASURE UP.

Keep writing, they say. Put it all out there. Write now. Revise later. It will work itself out.
I hope so.

Inspiration is no longer flowing from my pores. No longer oozing from mind to hand. No longer rushing through tiny blue veins under the skin. So i turn elsewhere. To music. To the color palette that is now emerging outside. To cloudy days and cool temperatures. To the smell of hazelnut coffee. To a well written poem. To the symphony of spoons that plays out every time i cook dinner. To a well written lyric. Or a beat that makes me tap my fingers against the steering wheel. Linens from the dryer. A gusty wind. A rainy day. A paw up against my skin in the middle of the night. the love story that continually emerges with every conversation. the understanding that i need him. he needs me. and we would not be able to create a whole without one another.

finding true happiness for the first time in 25 years. and believing that it could last 25 more.

i closed my eyes momentarily. writing this opened them back up.

inspiration abounds.

and now, so does words.