Places So Far Away & A Long Time Ago

It sort of smelled like warm beer on a hot summer's day and the scent, acting so much like a snapshot, made me stop dead in my tracks. It took me back to the summers of the 80's when shoulder pads and leg warmers were acceptable fashion choices and I was just a tomboy with dirty feet and short hair. My brother and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents (R), it seems. It was probably owed more to the fact that my parents needed a cheap babysitter and we were the only grandchildren in a 3000 mile radius that lent itself to the companionship I found with my grandfather than anything else.

There were summers spent at a small camp ground with a fishing hole and a rusty swingset; nights by the campfire and inside a rather cramped camper where the dining table would magically transform into a bed at just the right moment (aka my bedtime). There were lazy weekends when I would get up early - when everyone else was still warm and asleep in their own beds - and ride over to my grandparent's house on my bike to browse the Sunday comics or have grandpa fix a flat tire. There were Saturday evenings when my grandparents would have dinner parties or maybe it was just neighbors stopping over to say hello, regardless, I would stay quiet and out of the way by looking through dusty picture albums stored underneath living room chairs, brushing my fingers over old pictures of my dad when he was my age.

Then, there were the days I would spend with my grandparents - spaghettios for lunch while we watched Wheel of Fortune; playing dress up in my grandmother's sheer lacy curtains that transformed into an ideal wedding dress even as they hung from the window; an old 50's style hoop skirt discarded from my aunt that became the real treasure I found in the attic; stands for my paper dolls crafted by my grandfather's hands; singing Amazing Grace with my grandfather as he soaked his tired worn feet and as I pretended mine were just as tired, just as worn.

I lost two of my grandparents before I was old enough to form any real memories of them. My grandfather (R) died when I was 7, my grandma when I was 20. I lost all of my grandparents at an age when no child should be confronted with the burden of death or the ache of loosing someone close. I remember their funerals with a vividness that still haunts me; the smell of the flowers, the feel of the plush red carpet underneath my mary janes; the outpouring of quiches and casseroles; the whisperings of pain and loss; the silence that seems to envelope all as they confront their memories and their own mortality.

And everyday I wish they were still here. That pain never goes away, it's just dulled by time and the realization that there is a life to live. But sometimes I get a whiff of my past rather through a smell of warm beer on a hot summer's day or through a tattered photograph that brings the past to the forefront and makes me realize how lucky I was for 2 years, 5 years, 7 years and 20 years to be able to hold on to those that I have now lost.

Memories of places so far away and a long time ago.

Change Or Lack Of

Aah, the wonderful feeling of beating someone into submission; of playing the bad guy. There's nothing like that high. Or so I hear. It's not really a description I like to fill. In fact, I feel a little piece of me die every time I have to take on the role because it is so out of character for me. I am typically the one to empathize, to sympathize and then to gently nudge forward over shared commaraderie and a stiff martini. That's more my style; how I move in the world.

But i've learned that approach works better with girlfriends than my own husband. He's not one to sit down for a good round of girl talk which includes hypothesizing about the future, belief of what our role is in the world, the nuances of our relationship, and how we've changed in the past and how we'll probably change in the future. That's not his style. He deals better in mathematical formulas and scientific theory than matters of the heart. Especially when it concerns his own.

For a while now I've tried encouraging N to start searching for a new job. Our short stint as two unemployed married adults with the possibility of moving in with the in-laws jerked my chain a little, made me realize that some life goals needed to be in place for us to achieve whatever dreams we want out of life. Or at the very least, to ensure that we can pay our rent payment next month. I'm a realist after all and like to live my life with a back up plan (and then a back-up plan for that one).

While my skills easily carry from state to state, border to border, job to job N's are a little more specialized and well, higher paying, so i had made it my own personal goal to help him realize his dreams. Which, ironically, has also become a very real nightmare for him.

I tried at first with the gentle approach, bringing up the touchy subject only when I felt like his guard was down and tried sparing him any real pain by making the conversation as quick as possible while still feeling satisified that I had made my point. However, no real epiphanies were reached; no heart-to-hearts lasting beyond 5 minutes and involving ben & jerrys.

I'm not saying i'm a master of communication by any means. I can tell whole world my woes and worries but when it comes to sitting one-on-one with the ONE who really matters, i get tongue tied and typically shut down becauase I don't want ot offend, hurt or in any way disappoint.

But, I also realize when there is a need and usually focus all my energy into fulfilling that need, meaning neccessity has always breed invention. So, I grabbed his hand and hoped that my assistance in the process could yield results: I updated his resumes, helped him write a couple of cover letters, searched on Monster for jobs I thought he would excel at/be qualified for/enjoy and e-mailed them to him.

When I first met N, he was goofy and quirky and the most intelligent person I had ever encountered and oh, so different than I. He had a savings account, I was living off a credit card. My apartment was a design not an afterthough, while he spent his time lounging on a foam couch he had inhertited from a family member. I thought appearance was everything, while he hadn't picked up an iron in several years and believed that black jeans were acceptable.

But I told myself that I wouldn't try to change him, because I had fallen in love with him just as he was. And I haven't changed him intentionally or for altruistic reasons, we have slowly evolved together. I am debt free, he picked out our dishes, I have days where I don't wear makeup, he has retired the black jeans.

So I come to my own realization; the ephiphany I was pushing N towards I have found myself: It's unfair to want someone to take on your hopes, dreams, desires as their own if they don't want them too. I should have taken the cue a long time ago when I realized prodding wasn't working so why would yelling and cussing and general mania? He, at this point, has no desire for change whether because he enjoys his job more than I know or because he loves this crazy, completely unrpedictable lifestyle or because he's afraid of seeking the change he thinks he might need to make.

Either way, it's not me who can facilitate it. I can question him, challenge him and help him realize potential, but I certaintly can't force it.

I'll accept the status quo and try not to worry about tomorrow; we can't fight against the unknown. I'll try to make my own happiness rather than force a change of scenery, a different situation, in hopes that that will finally make me happy.

Necessity breeds invention. Therefore, it's time to create my own happiness.

And give time, patience and a loving heart so N can create his too.

If You Buy Just One Song In 2008

Let it be this one. . .

Breathe Me/Sia/Colour the Small One

Gravity

gravity is working against me
and gravity wants to bring me down
oh i'll never know what makes this man
with all the love that his heart can stand
dream of ways to throw it all away

oh gravity is working against me
and can't sustain like one half could
it's wanting more
that's gonna send me to my knees

oh twice as much
isn't twice as good
and can't sustain like one half could
it's wanting more
that's gonna send me to my knees

oh gravity stay the hell away from me
and gravity has taken better men than me
now how can that be

just keep me where the light is
just keep me where the light is
keep you all where the light is
just keep me where the light is
oh where the light is

gravity/john mayer/try!

B&N Interview

The job sounds like it's mine if I decide I want it. The woman who interviewed me said she saw me walk in and drop off my application. She swiped it up because I looked "bubbly and happy and after contacting my former b&n manager in grand rapids who gave me a "glowing review" she said the job is pretty much available for my taking. She just has to contact HR and straighten out a few details.

This stressed me out beyond belief for some reason.

So I went and spent $55 dollars on 2 pairs of fierce shoes, 3 new belts, and 3 pairs of earrings.

Nothing like binge shopping to take the edge off.

Hikes, Interviews & MLK Day

Well, we did go for that hike. All 7 miles of it. It was nice to get outdoors in the sun, to climb over tree roots, to see field mice scatter in the path infront of us, to eat a picnic of peanut butter & jelly sandwhiches in the open air, to really get back to the basics.

Yeah, I totally regret the idea.

But N loved it and I know it was good for me to do something I wouldn't ordinarily do. And I know it's so good for my body and that alone puts a smile on my face.

So all in all it was a successful day and I survived. Next weekend we're considering trying the 13.5 mile trail and only doing 9 of it. N's all for it, so I guess it's me who's really doing the considering part.

Tomorrow I have an interview at Barnes & Noble. I turned in my application on Thursday evening and they called me early this morning. I guess that's a good sign, but in some ways it feels like a few steps back considering I worked there a few years ago and SWORE I would never go back. N reminded me there is no shame in survival and the truth is it is just temporary, not something I will dedicate the rest of my life to. I am also awaiting to hear what date works to interview with Dog Day Afternoon. I would like the chance to interview with them before I make any sort of commitment.

Regardless of what job I take it will deeply satisfying to have an income, lead a busy life again and meet new people. I have been in need of that sort of personal satisfaction for a while now.

N had today off since it was MLK day and therefore, a federal holiday. He woke up extremely late, I shoved him out of bed and told him to get dressed and brush his teeth, and then sent him off to work. He called me about 2 minutes later saying he remembered he had the day off. We both have some sort of intestinal bug so it's probably for the better. We laid low for most of the day, both taking a 2 hour nap this afternoon, and then got up and took a walk this afternoon.

So many changes in the air. What next?

At This Point In My Life

ISFJ
(33% 62% 38% 44%)

As an ISFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you takes things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system.

ISFJs live in a world that is concrete and kind. They are truly warm and kind-hearted, and want to believe the best of people. They value harmony and cooperation, and are likely to be very sensitive to other people's feelings. People value the ISFJ for their consideration and awareness, and their ability to bring out the best in others by their firm desire to believe the best.

ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers. They constantly take in information about people and situations that is personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation in precise detail years after the event occured, if the situation made an impression on the ISFJ.

ISFJs have a very clear idea of the way things should be, which they strive to attain. They value security and kindness, and respect traditions and laws. They tend to believe that existing systems are there because they work. Therefore, they're not likely to buy into doing things in a new way, unless they're shown in a concrete way why its better than the established method.

ISFJs learn best by doing, rather than by reading about something in a book, or applying theory. For this reason, they are not likely to be found in fields which require a lot of conceptual analysis or theory. They value practical application. Traditional methods of higher education, which require a lot of theorizing and abstraction, are likely to be a chore for the ISFJ. The ISFJ learns a task best by being shown its practical application. Once the task is learned, and its practical importance is understood, the ISFJ will faithfully and tirelessly carry through the task to completion. The ISFJ is extremely dependable.

The ISFJ has an extremely well-developed sense of space, function, and aesthetic appeal. For that reason, they're likely to have beautifully furnished, functional homes. They make extremely good interior decorators. This special ability, combined with their sensitivity to other's feelings and desires, makes them very likely to be great gift-givers - finding the right gift which will be truly appreciated by the recipient.

More so than other types, ISFJs are extremely aware of their own internal feelings, as well as other people's feelings. They do not usually express their own feelings, keeping things inside. If they are negative feelings, they may build up inside the ISFJ until they turn into firm judgments against individuals which are difficult to unseed, once set. Many ISFJs learn to express themselves, and find outlets for their powerful emotions.

Just as the ISFJ is not likely to express their feelings, they are also not likely to let on that they know how others are feeling. However, they will speak up when they feel another individual really needs help, and in such cases they can truly help others become aware of their feelings.

The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.

ISFJs need positive feedback from others. In the absence of positive feedback, or in the face of criticism, the ISFJ gets discouraged, and may even become depressed. When down on themselves or under great stress, the ISFJ begins to imagine all of the things that might go critically wrong in their life. They have strong feelings of inadequacy, and become convinced that "everything is all wrong", or "I can't do anything right".

The ISFJ is warm, generous, and dependable. They have many special gifts to offer, in their sensitivity to others, and their strong ability to keep things running smoothly. They need to remember to not be overly critical of themselves, and to give themselves some of the warmth and love which they freely dispense to others.

Weekend Update

I just slept for 12 hours straight. I wonder what could be so exhausting in this Florida lifestyle that my body desperately needed to shut down for 1/2 a day just to recoup? Pathetic. . .

Today is the first day it's been sunny in about a week. I know that friends and family in Michigan are playing there little violins at that statement but it seems to be extremely uncommon that the sun would stay in hiding for that long. So to celebrate, i'm going to pull N's body out of bed, and insist we pack a backpack and go for a hike. Yesterday, it rained for the majority of the day, so I didn't even go for a walk unless you count meandering around the farmer's market. Yes, it's time to get outside and put our bodies in motion.

I know I am so going to regret this idea later.

After a lot of thinking, I've booked a plane ticket home for February 6th. I'll be staying for 2 weeks and then driving back down with A who will then stay for about a week and then fly back to GR. Yes, I'll be missing N's birthday AND our 1st Valentines day as a married couple, but before I booked I made him pinkie swear that it was ok that I deserted him for those 2 occassions. He's never wanted to celebrate his birthday - once i got him a present and a cake and he didn't speak to me the rest of the evening - and I could see him breathe a sigh of relief of not having to plan anything special for V-day. Besides, I figure that we can celebrate before or after I go.

I keep thinking of all the things I need to bring back with me. A little list that keeps expanding and retracting as I remember things and then forget them. I don't know, as of yet, if I'll get to bring Matisse back with me. I would love to but don't know if we can find place before then that allows dogs his size. There are suprisingly very few rentals on this side of Orlando.

That's all for now. Time to get on with the day.

Sweet

After months, years even, of having a dead computer battery that had a maximum life of 5 minutes after unplugging the dog-gone thing, N discovered that my battery had been recalled due to being a fire hazard.

See, good things do happen to those who wait (or are too cheap & lazy to go pay a $100 for a new battery).

L.A.Z.Y.

It's so dreary here. Drearier than i've seen it since I arrived in late November and apparently this same weather pattern will be holding on for about a week. Now, I know how those of you in Michigan feel although I am spared the freezing cold temperatures and the hassle of digging my car out of a snow bank. I can still walk outdoors in a tee-shirt. . .

I feel sorry for you.

I've been the laziest person today. My greatest accomplishment today consisted of making N lunch and ordering a birthday cake for someone at FEMA.

Oh, I was also able to catch up on some of my favorite bravo series like Real Housewives of Orange County. I typically walk away feeling poor & fat but it's worth it for the 1 hour enjoyment I derive from seeing 40 year old women act like they're 20 again. They may be rich and sport designer clothing but this show has proven there is more to aging gracefully than just an expensive skin cream.

I do feel like this day of complete waste was well desereved, however, considering I spent yesterday doing laundry (which is easier said than done, but that's a story for a different day), picking up groceries, running to the Post Office, cleaning the house and oh yes, scrubbing mold off the shower curtain. THAT was the highlight of yesterday.

I walked away from the endeavor wet, sweaty, nearly naked (there was no way I was going to let bleach touch any of my clothes) and smelling of harsh chemicals.

I'm sure it was the homecoming of N's dreams.

So, part of me has reveled in the delight of a well-wasted day in which pajamas were converted to "lounge wear" and a martini is acceptable at 11am.

Good Things

A grateful heart:

1. A ticket home for Feb 6th.
2. A friend who has graciously eaten up some of her vacation to travel back to Florida with me.
3. An interview.
4. A husband who demonstrates every day how I can love better.
5. Friendships & phone calls. I would be lost without both.
6. A good home for Matisse. If I can't be there and he can't be there then at least I know he's in the best place he can be for now.
7. Parent's who have kindly taken him on. And whom I know love him as much as I do.
8. 60 - 70 degree sunny weather.
9. The ability to no longer break under hurtful criticism; especially when given by someone so close.
10. Another sunrise, another day. Maybe i'll finally get this living thing right today.

Office Politics

I may or may not have dug myself into a hole with a temp agency. Now, I have to consider how to graciously dig myself out of the hole I created without blowing the chance at future employment opportunities.

Honesty is the best policy, right?

Fresh Flowers

They really do hold a temporary power to make everything better.

He is so good to me.

An Open Letter To The Universe:

Yeah, ok, I get it already. Your trying to teach me the attributes of resilency, of a tough skin, of the ability to bounce back and the importance of flexibility. I understand what you're trying to teach me and apparently I needed to learn those things. I just have once complaint: Do all these life lessons have to happen in the span of 1 week?

I guess you don't quite understand how entirely broken i've felt lately. Add to the list haggard, tired, weak, worn, completely exhausted and maybe a little bit insane and you have an accurate picture of how i've been feeling. And yet, without fail you keep bringing the punches like a professional boxer. But believe me, i'm down and the referee has counted to 3 and i've still made no attempt to get up.

In other words. You win.

And yet I have this dreadful feeling that you're not through yet. Instead as you keep throwing the punches you'll offer up some semi-philosophichal bullshit to answer the age-old question: why when it rains does it pour? You'll say that humanity learns better when they've already been thrown to the ground; that we're more willing to pay attention; to learn the lessons; to negotiate a different plan; to implement change. Of course, you'll cite examples and drop phrases like "rock bottom" and "rehabilitation."

And in case you weren't already aware, you have my full attention. I've been hit by both sides and have sought shelter in a bunker only to be hit again. And this last week, this last month, this last year as a matter of fact, has been nothing short of one big lesson plan.

But I would like to state for the record that i have approximately 60 years (give or take a little) of life left to live, so would it kill you to give me a chance to catch my breath before you side-swipe me again? How about we spread these life lessons out a little more than one-a-day?
That'd be great.

Thank you,
LTR

Alright

I'm all right y'all.
No really, I am alright despite what previous blog posts may have dictated.

The poem, if you even want to call it that, was an idea that popped into my head and I tried to see how far I could take it. It had been written in a journal that lies on my bed side table and was an idea that had been worked and re-worked many times; chicken scratches of words and phrases crossed out and crossed out again when I thought I had found the next best thing. That's all.

Granted, a part of it may have stemmed from some point of me. The world has seemed to be resting heavy on my shoulders lately for whatever reason. Emotions pile up and I don't feel the I have the right to express them because I know in no way is my life any more difficult than the person next to me; or because I know they're foolish emotions - temporary, fleeting - and i'll wake up feeling fine tomorrow; or because I realize that their not going to change any time soon so I might as well sit down and stay with them awhile. Revel in them, get to know them a little.

Loneliness takes a toll on me. Day after day spent alone leaves a lot of opportunity for me to be alone with my thoughts. I think of home, of the guilt I feel leaving yet another dog with my parents (they took on Dudley because G couldn't have him); or the guilt of not being there for my own; I think of the creature comforts I miss as well - 600 thread count sheets, a full wardrobe, pictures and decorations that are familiar to me; being able to drink out of a glass before inspecting it because I wonder what filth the last person left in it; I think of being unemployed, about being out of school about how unsuccessful and unaccomplished I feel; I think about stability and how badly I do without it; I think about the next time we'll have our home again and how long we'll get to stay there; I think about family and friends, how they get to share times without us and how that pangs the heart a little; or how I wish I could be there in times of need for my own family and friends, instead I have to somehow transport my heart and hands through the telephone rather than offer them up in person.

It's difficult being away, growing up, moving on. And some of these life lessons seem to come all at once like a big ball that rolls me over and puts me out of commission for a while. And I just want to run home to the safety of what I know but then realize that home is 400 miles away in a tiny, empty apartment that holds my heart.

So I take a deep breath and hope the next day gets better.

The Puppet

held up by the strings of a puppeteer called obligation
i must, so i do
dance for an audience
act out a part dictated by someone else
all for the entertainment and delight of others

but when the show is over
the stage lights go out
the puppeteer lays me down
in a puddle of strings and bent wooden limbs
no longer controlled by someone else
but not strong enough to pick myself up

at this time
i get to finally be myself
a moment to be alone
a chance to breathe
at this time
i make the decisions, not any puppeteer
and i always decide to cry a tear
down past the lips of my painted smile
hoping for the chance to someday
be the puppeteer of my own life.

Note To Self

It will get better.

Angst

Can I just throw up and be done with it already?

Happy Birthday

One year later . . .

and some things just never change

Happy 1st birthday to the best gift I have ever received.

On And On We Go

N to bed early. It's only a little after 9. Headache. Stomache. We keep passing it back and forth. Now I wonder what to do with the rest of my evening. I already recorded some recipes that I found worthwhile. N's a tough critic so while I may try out 4 new recipes a week, only 1 will make it into the "yeah, that's good enough to make again" pile.

I'll find something to do with my evening.

On and on I'll go.

I finished the book Atonement today. Was glad to get to the last page which is unusual for me. The story, I found, wasn't very captivating and it was a tough read. I'll return it to the used book store in Sanford. I've finally learned the importance of giving away books that I really don't care about. Last year I would have found it heresy to sell a book even if I didn't like it.

Recycle. Reuse. On and on we go. Thru the next year.

Down 2 (or is it 4?) dress sizes this year. It's not something I usually talk about. I understand how easily successes can turn into failure. How life can become quickly unbalanced. That food/exercise habits can follow. Bought new jeans and received them this week. Haven't fit in that size since my freshman year in college. 7 years ago. Crazy.

I sought balance. I sought truth. I sought a reality I could live with. I sought happiness in spite of circumstances beyond my control. I learned the lessons. I learned so much about myself.

Balance is the key. On and on we go. Thru the next year.

No word yet about the application N submitted for a job. I'm trying to put positive vibes into the world. I'm trying to be upbeat. I'm trying to not worry about the future because I have no control beyond what I am capable of. We'll be ok.

On and on we go.

Journaling again. Praying again - to God, to Allah, to Mother earth (I have no idea to whom) - it makes me accountable for my actions. It put things in perspective. It makes me feel whole again. And the last year or so, I've really lost that part of me. It's good to be back to that feeling. It good to realize that there is more to me than day to day living. It's good to hold the belief that there is a world out there bigger than me. I hope so.

On and on we go.

May you, friends & family, find success, fullfillment, joy & peace in 2008.

On and on we go
thru the next year.