i've been raving about this bit that David Letterman has been featuring nightly to anyone who will listen. if you haven't seen it yet, here is a compliation.
it's worth it.
Monday, July 30, 2007
A Happy Mess
on a good note, we did purchase wedding bands (on the recommendation of someone to look into Zales) AND we made the arrangments for the tuxedos AND got a majority of the guest list finished. on a bad note, N was sent home from work today because of his cold and while so far, i've been able to avoid the worst symptoms, i'm sure my time on dayquill/nightquill and in bed will come. it just has to when you're sharing the same tiny living space, drinking from the same straw and sleeping in the same bed.
these days i guess i feel a bit war-torn. my hair has not seen a good conditioning in 3 weeks. my toe nail polish is starting to chip. my heels now have well-developed callouses. i have officially run out of things to wear that are decent - the jeans are a little too baggy for my liking, the shirt is a little ill-fitting, the sandals don't match the outfit. everything's just a little too baggy or a little too ill-fitting for my liking. but, with only a month left here in florida & only one suitcase, i can't justify going out and re-vamping my wardrobe.
but it all serves as a good lesson anyways. one that on a daily basis teaches me to be happy regardless. because, in the long run it doesn't matter to anyone that my feet look like hell, my hair is so dry it's brittle, or my jeans are a little baggy in the ass. but, for this little while, it teaches me to say, "here i am. a mess. but a happy one. and for that, i'm ok.
these days i guess i feel a bit war-torn. my hair has not seen a good conditioning in 3 weeks. my toe nail polish is starting to chip. my heels now have well-developed callouses. i have officially run out of things to wear that are decent - the jeans are a little too baggy for my liking, the shirt is a little ill-fitting, the sandals don't match the outfit. everything's just a little too baggy or a little too ill-fitting for my liking. but, with only a month left here in florida & only one suitcase, i can't justify going out and re-vamping my wardrobe.
but it all serves as a good lesson anyways. one that on a daily basis teaches me to be happy regardless. because, in the long run it doesn't matter to anyone that my feet look like hell, my hair is so dry it's brittle, or my jeans are a little baggy in the ass. but, for this little while, it teaches me to say, "here i am. a mess. but a happy one. and for that, i'm ok.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
9AM
who says it's impossible to get anything done in the morning before you've had your first cup of coffee?
i just booked my ticket home in August (i'll be back late, late, late on the 23rd) and that's if there are no problems with my flights. i opted to pay for a more expensive ticket from Midwest because i didn't want to get stuck in the Northwest debacle of cancelled & delayed flights. that just hasn't been pretty.
N & I went to Blue Springs National Park last night in Orange City. we had been there earlier in the week for an hour or so to just look around but didn't get the chance to swim in the natural spring. last night, N left work an hour early, i packed our bathing suits and we headed out. it was w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l. (i'll post pictures soon).
today, neither of us are feeling great so i think we'll postpone our trip to Daytona Beach and go to Walgreens instead and stock up on cold medicine & throat lozenges. and maybe later on emerge from our over-the-counter drug induced haze to go look at wedding bands and get the tuxedos booked.
i just booked my ticket home in August (i'll be back late, late, late on the 23rd) and that's if there are no problems with my flights. i opted to pay for a more expensive ticket from Midwest because i didn't want to get stuck in the Northwest debacle of cancelled & delayed flights. that just hasn't been pretty.
N & I went to Blue Springs National Park last night in Orange City. we had been there earlier in the week for an hour or so to just look around but didn't get the chance to swim in the natural spring. last night, N left work an hour early, i packed our bathing suits and we headed out. it was w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l. (i'll post pictures soon).
today, neither of us are feeling great so i think we'll postpone our trip to Daytona Beach and go to Walgreens instead and stock up on cold medicine & throat lozenges. and maybe later on emerge from our over-the-counter drug induced haze to go look at wedding bands and get the tuxedos booked.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Seeking:
seeking a vacation rental in Lake Mary/Sanford area that feels like home. our new home must have on-premise washer/dryer & airconditiong. Must have at least 1 bedroom with king size bed, new bed sheets in no less than 600 thread count, and optional fan to ensure a good night's rest. preferably 2 bathrooms (labeled "his" and "hers") . her bathroom must come with a number of fluffy white towels, smelly bath salts, soaps and candles, and have a jacuzzi tub. i can provide hair & makeup products. his bathroom will be satisfactory with one towel, a used bar of soap, a razor and one bottle of Pert shampoo. Rental must be close to shopping district with a wide array of coffe shops, book stores, retail stores and restaurants. Rental will preferably have own pool complete with floaties & bar that has martini glasses with little pink umbrellas, but will consider it satisfactory if rental has community pool with above amnenties. Rental must have 2 flat screen tvs with attached dvd players, a stereo, and comfortable, clean, fashionable furniture. Rental must not have wall paper, nor contain outdated decorating motifs. Rentals kitchen must be clean and contain dishwasher, microwave, refridgerator, oven & coffee maker. prefers stainless steel appliances. must have a variety of cookware. also, must allow dogs of any size, age, pedigree & temperment. rental must have large screened in porch with wicker couch, chairs, table & ceiling fan.
Must be able to accomadate all of the above for a daily rate of $80, monthly rate of approximately $2000.00 and understand that no papers will be signed for long term rental due to personal circumstances. please understand and expect short notice of move-out.
interested parties, please leave a comment with contact information.
Must be able to accomadate all of the above for a daily rate of $80, monthly rate of approximately $2000.00 and understand that no papers will be signed for long term rental due to personal circumstances. please understand and expect short notice of move-out.
interested parties, please leave a comment with contact information.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Today's Musts
today i actually have a to-do list:
pay bills
package & ship small present for future brother-in-law
pick up N for lunch at my beloved subway (Maddy, let's do lunch when i get home:)
buy fan (i haven't been sleeping much for the last 2 weeks even though i've given it my best shot)
buy new gold colored sandals because mine bit it this morning
design map for the wedding invitations
i love having work to do. . .
pay bills
package & ship small present for future brother-in-law
pick up N for lunch at my beloved subway (Maddy, let's do lunch when i get home:)
buy fan (i haven't been sleeping much for the last 2 weeks even though i've given it my best shot)
buy new gold colored sandals because mine bit it this morning
design map for the wedding invitations
i love having work to do. . .
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Wedding Nightmares
the nightmares are, apparently, just beginning. i sent a message via facebook to my best friend: "i had a horrible nightmare about the wedding." her response did nothing to comfort or soothe, "so, the nightmares are starting? I remember those!"
starting? as in, i'll have plenty more before this hellish event is over?
the nightmare entailed me rushing down the aisle as i slid on a shoe, hair disheveled, holding a paper sack of flowers. as i moved closer to the front, i tore off the brown paper from the flowers, untwisted the tie that was holding them together and tried to make some semblance of a bouqet out of roses with 3 foot stems. upon my rushed arrival to the front, i realized that no one was there to actually marry us, so N pulled one of his ordained fema buddies from the crowd to do the dirty work. and that was just the beginning. . .
the rice holders were not made. the favors not assembled. the invitations had never gone out. the band didn't know what to play. the guests didn't know where to sit. the catering company didn't know where to deliver the food.
this is what i've learned through this whole experience: i never want to made a decision again. do i choose the ivory background rather than the brown? do i choose the red candles over the off white? square or round vases? "the honor of your presence" or "the pleasure of your company", do i address to Mr & Mrs John Smith or John & Elizabeth Smith? Do i wear my hair down, or up or halfway in between? Do we want tuxes or suits? Do i want a single set ring or a channel set ring? Do i want a father daughter dance, a dollar dance, or no dances at all? what beers, wines or salad dressings do i want to provide my guests? and how much of everything? will i throw birdseed, rice or opt for bubbles instead?
and all of those choices don't even touch the choices that need to be made when registering. registering, which is supposed to be one of the most delightful events in a young brides life, has turned out to be rather torterous. the object? pick coveted items you would like for your house. but what if i don't have a house when i get married? what if we're just packing up our gifts and putting them in storage until god knows when? how do you plan for a house you don't yet have? walls that you haven't yet picked a color out for?
how do you plan for that?
it takes me back to the time when i stood in line at the registers office and had to declare my major. i was given a small piece of pink paper and a #2 pencil and told that i must pick both a major and a minor. how do you do that? how do you pick something in a split second that will determine your life's path from that moment on. how do i make choices on bath towels and dinnerware and intrinsically know that i'll like them 5, 10 or 50 years down the road?
instead, i stew, question, poll my friends and family and then stew some more. i put off making a decision till the very last second just in case i happen to make the wrong one. i lack confidence even in my instincts, the very thing in moments of doubt, you're supposed to listen to. and then in hindsight i inevitably say "i should have listened to my insticts."
well, my instincts say this: stick to earth tones when registering. they're easy to work with. and also, don't drive yourself mad with this wedding. it's one day. and will be here and gone before you know it.
starting? as in, i'll have plenty more before this hellish event is over?
the nightmare entailed me rushing down the aisle as i slid on a shoe, hair disheveled, holding a paper sack of flowers. as i moved closer to the front, i tore off the brown paper from the flowers, untwisted the tie that was holding them together and tried to make some semblance of a bouqet out of roses with 3 foot stems. upon my rushed arrival to the front, i realized that no one was there to actually marry us, so N pulled one of his ordained fema buddies from the crowd to do the dirty work. and that was just the beginning. . .
the rice holders were not made. the favors not assembled. the invitations had never gone out. the band didn't know what to play. the guests didn't know where to sit. the catering company didn't know where to deliver the food.
this is what i've learned through this whole experience: i never want to made a decision again. do i choose the ivory background rather than the brown? do i choose the red candles over the off white? square or round vases? "the honor of your presence" or "the pleasure of your company", do i address to Mr & Mrs John Smith or John & Elizabeth Smith? Do i wear my hair down, or up or halfway in between? Do we want tuxes or suits? Do i want a single set ring or a channel set ring? Do i want a father daughter dance, a dollar dance, or no dances at all? what beers, wines or salad dressings do i want to provide my guests? and how much of everything? will i throw birdseed, rice or opt for bubbles instead?
and all of those choices don't even touch the choices that need to be made when registering. registering, which is supposed to be one of the most delightful events in a young brides life, has turned out to be rather torterous. the object? pick coveted items you would like for your house. but what if i don't have a house when i get married? what if we're just packing up our gifts and putting them in storage until god knows when? how do you plan for a house you don't yet have? walls that you haven't yet picked a color out for?
how do you plan for that?
it takes me back to the time when i stood in line at the registers office and had to declare my major. i was given a small piece of pink paper and a #2 pencil and told that i must pick both a major and a minor. how do you do that? how do you pick something in a split second that will determine your life's path from that moment on. how do i make choices on bath towels and dinnerware and intrinsically know that i'll like them 5, 10 or 50 years down the road?
instead, i stew, question, poll my friends and family and then stew some more. i put off making a decision till the very last second just in case i happen to make the wrong one. i lack confidence even in my instincts, the very thing in moments of doubt, you're supposed to listen to. and then in hindsight i inevitably say "i should have listened to my insticts."
well, my instincts say this: stick to earth tones when registering. they're easy to work with. and also, don't drive yourself mad with this wedding. it's one day. and will be here and gone before you know it.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
RE: New Feature!!!!!
Dear N,
Again i am responding to your most recent post titled NEW FEATURE!!! (the 2nd time i have responded in about 5 minutes, i'm growing tired of your childish games). i just want to say that that is the poorest excuse of a "new feature" i have ever seen. you are saying america came out on top? let me remind you mr. republican ("on economics, not social issues") america has not been on top since clinton was in office and not since your bff gwb was elected.
you also list "go away" as one of your options for people who came out on top in the recent CNN-YouTube debate. my memory may be failing me (at the ripe 'ole age of 25) but i am unable to recall a democratic canidate by the name "go away" ( although i'm sure that anderson cooper wanted to say that to old complainer gavel). i'm sure it's just a lapse of my memory, there were at least 8 canidates and that can be overwhelming to somone like me to remember everyone.
i would just like to state that i am not a believer in competitions. i have shyed (sp?) away from competitive sports because i was always outrun. i never played a musical instrument because i could not get beyond chopsticks to chopin. i never tried out for science olympia because if i could not remember something as simple as roy g biv how on the earth would i remember the theory of relativity.
but there are some unexpectant things that i have excelled at in the arena of competition. drinking you under the table, trival pursuit, and my extensive knowledge of music (let us recall that i was the first person to introduce you to sexy back by jt)
and at the risk of sounding arrogant, you have invaded one of the things i am good at: writing. so read my lips (or words, i guess)
I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.
Again i am responding to your most recent post titled NEW FEATURE!!! (the 2nd time i have responded in about 5 minutes, i'm growing tired of your childish games). i just want to say that that is the poorest excuse of a "new feature" i have ever seen. you are saying america came out on top? let me remind you mr. republican ("on economics, not social issues") america has not been on top since clinton was in office and not since your bff gwb was elected.
you also list "go away" as one of your options for people who came out on top in the recent CNN-YouTube debate. my memory may be failing me (at the ripe 'ole age of 25) but i am unable to recall a democratic canidate by the name "go away" ( although i'm sure that anderson cooper wanted to say that to old complainer gavel). i'm sure it's just a lapse of my memory, there were at least 8 canidates and that can be overwhelming to somone like me to remember everyone.
i would just like to state that i am not a believer in competitions. i have shyed (sp?) away from competitive sports because i was always outrun. i never played a musical instrument because i could not get beyond chopsticks to chopin. i never tried out for science olympia because if i could not remember something as simple as roy g biv how on the earth would i remember the theory of relativity.
but there are some unexpectant things that i have excelled at in the arena of competition. drinking you under the table, trival pursuit, and my extensive knowledge of music (let us recall that i was the first person to introduce you to sexy back by jt)
and at the risk of sounding arrogant, you have invaded one of the things i am good at: writing. so read my lips (or words, i guess)
I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.
CNN-YouTube
i remember the feeling of community brewing
of democracy happening
ani difranco/paradigm/knuckle down
the questions spanned from a father who had lost 3 members of his family in war, to a woman with breast cancer who is fighting for her life, to a priest who questioned the role religion should play in government, to reparations for blacks, to out-of-state voting.
i was completely impressed by the cnn-youtube debate last night. if you haven't gotten the chance to see it yet (cnn has been replaying it almost on a continous loop for the last 24 hours) you can check out the questions (by everyday citizens) & the answers (by the democratic canidates) on youtube.
of democracy happening
ani difranco/paradigm/knuckle down
the questions spanned from a father who had lost 3 members of his family in war, to a woman with breast cancer who is fighting for her life, to a priest who questioned the role religion should play in government, to reparations for blacks, to out-of-state voting.
i was completely impressed by the cnn-youtube debate last night. if you haven't gotten the chance to see it yet (cnn has been replaying it almost on a continous loop for the last 24 hours) you can check out the questions (by everyday citizens) & the answers (by the democratic canidates) on youtube.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Moment of Truth (& Vulnerability) # 2
engrossed in conversation, he pulls out the big guns. the words i detest hearing, but the emotion i know is embedded under my skin like a cancer.
"why are you so angry?"
i turn over on my side in disgust and try to refute the truth "i am not angry." tears well up in my eyes and it is obvious to everyone but me what exactly the truth is.
the argument had started a week before as we sat out on a park bench outside of barnes & noble. 2 girls passed us on the sidewalk just as the rain started to drop with fervor. one of the girls giggled as the rain started to drench her. her laugh was one that conveys a feigned innocence and should only be reserved for frat parties or 4th grade. in my mind i immediately read the situation as absurb, as in: "oh my god, it's raining and i wore my white tee-shirt with no bra. . . what am i gonna do?" N read it as cute.
i was furious.
i argued logic - why did she act so suprised? the girl lives in orlando, for heaven's sake, where every single afternoon it rains. without fail. i know that and i've lived here a week. i argued feminism. i argued everything i could find wrong with the situation under the sun. N didn't have any argument at all except that he found it cute and then followed it up with "what's wrong with that?"
now, nearly a week later he he was bringing up the situation again. "why are you so angry?"
i did not take his question as situational - why was i so angry at the girl with the fake laugh - but one that spoke of a greater sense of being. why am i angry at the person at the bank who makes two transactions in the drive thru? why am i angry at the customer at work who wonders where his late material is? why am i angry at the crying baby in line in front of me?
as usual, there is only one answer. i don't give it up easily because i don't revel in vulnerability. i detest my own imperfections. and when pointed out by others i have been known to go into 3 days of solitary confinement to make peace with myself. i'd much rather hide my emotions then have them examined by the people closest to me.
the truth, as so pointed out by N, was that i was not angry at a complete stranger but with myself. as a means of self preservation i daily deflect that anger at others because i can not find a healthy or even useful way to expel it from my own mind & body.
i'm taking baby steps. trying desperately to fight against the general consensus that life is a bitch and therefore happiness elusive. anger essential to survival. N is happy and therefore continually pushes me to find my own. and i have begun. baby step by baby step:
writing. therapy through words. forcing myself to push beyond every day happenings to greater truths for myself.
sweating with an ipod. daily walks. an hour on the eliptical. it clears my brain for more positive things to enter it.
photography. there's no denying i'm an amateur but i find so much pleasure in composing a great picture and finding beauty in the mundane.
friendships. in the last 2 months i have picked these up by the fistful and and clenched them to my heart. they are as essential to me as breathing. they replensh, revive, and challenge. i am nothing without my friends.
faith makes me believe that if i work towards loving myself and loving the things i do, the anger that sits under my skin will eventually dissipate like a thick fog that is burned away by the sun.
"why are you so angry?"
i turn over on my side in disgust and try to refute the truth "i am not angry." tears well up in my eyes and it is obvious to everyone but me what exactly the truth is.
the argument had started a week before as we sat out on a park bench outside of barnes & noble. 2 girls passed us on the sidewalk just as the rain started to drop with fervor. one of the girls giggled as the rain started to drench her. her laugh was one that conveys a feigned innocence and should only be reserved for frat parties or 4th grade. in my mind i immediately read the situation as absurb, as in: "oh my god, it's raining and i wore my white tee-shirt with no bra. . . what am i gonna do?" N read it as cute.
i was furious.
i argued logic - why did she act so suprised? the girl lives in orlando, for heaven's sake, where every single afternoon it rains. without fail. i know that and i've lived here a week. i argued feminism. i argued everything i could find wrong with the situation under the sun. N didn't have any argument at all except that he found it cute and then followed it up with "what's wrong with that?"
now, nearly a week later he he was bringing up the situation again. "why are you so angry?"
i did not take his question as situational - why was i so angry at the girl with the fake laugh - but one that spoke of a greater sense of being. why am i angry at the person at the bank who makes two transactions in the drive thru? why am i angry at the customer at work who wonders where his late material is? why am i angry at the crying baby in line in front of me?
as usual, there is only one answer. i don't give it up easily because i don't revel in vulnerability. i detest my own imperfections. and when pointed out by others i have been known to go into 3 days of solitary confinement to make peace with myself. i'd much rather hide my emotions then have them examined by the people closest to me.
the truth, as so pointed out by N, was that i was not angry at a complete stranger but with myself. as a means of self preservation i daily deflect that anger at others because i can not find a healthy or even useful way to expel it from my own mind & body.
i'm taking baby steps. trying desperately to fight against the general consensus that life is a bitch and therefore happiness elusive. anger essential to survival. N is happy and therefore continually pushes me to find my own. and i have begun. baby step by baby step:
writing. therapy through words. forcing myself to push beyond every day happenings to greater truths for myself.
sweating with an ipod. daily walks. an hour on the eliptical. it clears my brain for more positive things to enter it.
photography. there's no denying i'm an amateur but i find so much pleasure in composing a great picture and finding beauty in the mundane.
friendships. in the last 2 months i have picked these up by the fistful and and clenched them to my heart. they are as essential to me as breathing. they replensh, revive, and challenge. i am nothing without my friends.
faith makes me believe that if i work towards loving myself and loving the things i do, the anger that sits under my skin will eventually dissipate like a thick fog that is burned away by the sun.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Love Is. . .
N eating all of the pink tums (because i can't stand them) and leaving all the purple ones for me.
funny, how the definition of love & romance changes once you've been together 4 years.
funny, how the definition of love & romance changes once you've been together 4 years.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Fashion & Falling Off The Wagon
in a tragic turn of events, i've found that my usual shopping habits have been stunted this season by an alarming new trend in fashion. it seems that no matter which store i enter, which department i look in (womens, jrs, misses) i am confronted with the terrifying reality that maternity fashion has infiltrated mainstream fashion.
now let me further explain myself. it seems that every shirt this season is designed with an empire waist that sits uncomfortably under the bust, are decorated with ribbons, bows, and flowers (oh my) or have large blocks of a solid color that that point out womanly assets such as the bosom & stomach. and in all of these respects, these shirts fail miserably in saying "i'm whore to fashion" but instead scream "i will be giving birth in 5 months or less"
empire waists are designed to show off new found boobs that have come with a pregnancy.
in general flowers, ribbons and wrap around bows have always conveyed a sense of innocence and have always been a staple to maternity fashion - saying "i'm pregnant, but i didn't do the naughty to get that way".
and as for blocks of color, they effectively point out the attention-getting parts of a pregnant woman's body. there might as well be a label across the stomach that says insert baby belly here.
as much as i despise this style, i do have a confession to make. i have fallen. once. only once, mind you, and have bought a shirt that could be interpreted as a maternity shirt. i had realized my mistake when i tried it on for N and his reaction was less than enthusastic:
"huh. ok." he looked at me rather confused and i saw in his eyes the fear that i had forgotten to take my birth control.
"not your favorite?" i asked.
"not my favorite." he said.
now i was left with the dilemma of having a brand new shirt in my closet and having to find a way to redeem it from maternity shirt to icon of fashion. i tapped my fingers agains the closet door as i stared at it with its empire waist, solid blocks of black and printed fabric against the stomache. red, i thought. sassy, sensational red. red jewelry. and defiant 3 inch red heels that say if i topple down the stairs i won't be fearful of loosing a baby.
- currently listening to: 4 in the morning/gwen stefani/the sweet escape -
now let me further explain myself. it seems that every shirt this season is designed with an empire waist that sits uncomfortably under the bust, are decorated with ribbons, bows, and flowers (oh my) or have large blocks of a solid color that that point out womanly assets such as the bosom & stomach. and in all of these respects, these shirts fail miserably in saying "i'm whore to fashion" but instead scream "i will be giving birth in 5 months or less"
empire waists are designed to show off new found boobs that have come with a pregnancy.
in general flowers, ribbons and wrap around bows have always conveyed a sense of innocence and have always been a staple to maternity fashion - saying "i'm pregnant, but i didn't do the naughty to get that way".
and as for blocks of color, they effectively point out the attention-getting parts of a pregnant woman's body. there might as well be a label across the stomach that says insert baby belly here.
as much as i despise this style, i do have a confession to make. i have fallen. once. only once, mind you, and have bought a shirt that could be interpreted as a maternity shirt. i had realized my mistake when i tried it on for N and his reaction was less than enthusastic:
"huh. ok." he looked at me rather confused and i saw in his eyes the fear that i had forgotten to take my birth control.
"not your favorite?" i asked.
"not my favorite." he said.
now i was left with the dilemma of having a brand new shirt in my closet and having to find a way to redeem it from maternity shirt to icon of fashion. i tapped my fingers agains the closet door as i stared at it with its empire waist, solid blocks of black and printed fabric against the stomache. red, i thought. sassy, sensational red. red jewelry. and defiant 3 inch red heels that say if i topple down the stairs i won't be fearful of loosing a baby.
- currently listening to: 4 in the morning/gwen stefani/the sweet escape -
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Misc Orlando
when you're bored, desperate and all alone in a hotel room, you can find all sorts of crazy things to do. case in point:
also, here is a picture of the "eye sore of I-4." legend has it that it has been 10 years in the making and is still not finished but has slowly been growing on donations to a television evangalist. you can see the incomplete bottom.
And here is one artigator (my favorite) on the streets of standford. think chicago's cows . . .yeah, same idea.
also, here is a picture of the "eye sore of I-4." legend has it that it has been 10 years in the making and is still not finished but has slowly been growing on donations to a television evangalist. you can see the incomplete bottom.
And here is one artigator (my favorite) on the streets of standford. think chicago's cows . . .yeah, same idea.
Band Together
"how much, did you say?" i asked.
the gentleman on the other side of the counter repeated himself "$3400."
i looked at N. N looked at me. and we said we would have to think about it and come back.
it was a glorious ring. spectacular even. a single set band with small diamonds circling the entire ring. it glimmered in the bright light. it sparkled. it was brilliant, just as a wedding band should be.
but as much as i loved it, there is no way that either N or i could justify that kind of price tag. so we moved on. away from the well polished counter tops with glimmering diamond jewelry cased within it, away from the plush carpet and the over-eager but understanding salesmen who knows that newlyweds can not always afford the biggest and the best.
so we walked across the mall to Helzberg diamonds. we asked to see a single set band. she pulled one out, the only one, of the case that had small handprints on it from the children who were running around my feet. i placed it next to my engagment ring. it already looked tarnished. how could a brand new ring already look tarnished? it didn't sparkle in the light. the diamonds looked like they had been placed by a clumsy hand. the price tag was right, but everything else about the ring was completely wrong.
N took my hand and said thank you to the lady and something about how we would have to think about it. my heart sank. would we ever find the perfect bands? ones that were beautiful and brilliant and executed with perfection but did not break our bank account?
i know it's not about the rings. the diamonds. the quality of gold. i know it's about fusing our lives together in one perfect circle. one where we wake up next to each other in the morning and join together again in the evening. i know it's about fights and laughter and coming full circle. i know it's about banding together in the best and worst.
in essence, it's about creating an unending cycle of love, not the ring that signifies it.
the gentleman on the other side of the counter repeated himself "$3400."
i looked at N. N looked at me. and we said we would have to think about it and come back.
it was a glorious ring. spectacular even. a single set band with small diamonds circling the entire ring. it glimmered in the bright light. it sparkled. it was brilliant, just as a wedding band should be.
but as much as i loved it, there is no way that either N or i could justify that kind of price tag. so we moved on. away from the well polished counter tops with glimmering diamond jewelry cased within it, away from the plush carpet and the over-eager but understanding salesmen who knows that newlyweds can not always afford the biggest and the best.
so we walked across the mall to Helzberg diamonds. we asked to see a single set band. she pulled one out, the only one, of the case that had small handprints on it from the children who were running around my feet. i placed it next to my engagment ring. it already looked tarnished. how could a brand new ring already look tarnished? it didn't sparkle in the light. the diamonds looked like they had been placed by a clumsy hand. the price tag was right, but everything else about the ring was completely wrong.
N took my hand and said thank you to the lady and something about how we would have to think about it. my heart sank. would we ever find the perfect bands? ones that were beautiful and brilliant and executed with perfection but did not break our bank account?
i know it's not about the rings. the diamonds. the quality of gold. i know it's about fusing our lives together in one perfect circle. one where we wake up next to each other in the morning and join together again in the evening. i know it's about fights and laughter and coming full circle. i know it's about banding together in the best and worst.
in essence, it's about creating an unending cycle of love, not the ring that signifies it.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Where Have We Gone Wrong?
last night as i was browsing the most popular songs on itunes, i was disturbed to find out that 2 of the tops songs were:
lip gloss
&
buy you a drank
a drank? lip gloss?
lord help us.
what happened to integrity in music?
lip gloss
&
buy you a drank
a drank? lip gloss?
lord help us.
what happened to integrity in music?
Monday, July 16, 2007
Lost & Found
i took a test a few weeks ago in Oprah magazine about what kind of person i was: a builder, an explorer, a negotiator, a director. i sat, pen in hand, and carefully and truthfully answered the questions put before me. through self awareness, i had already eliminated director & builder but was unsure where i would land with the 2 left.
i added up my points - an explorer. easily bored. constantly seeks change. excited by adventure and the unknown.
i shook my head and whispered to myself "that can't be right." i put the pen down and stared outside the window, focused on how much i love stability, how the slightest bump in my best laid plans can cause me to careen over the side. how i cannot imagine seeking a life outside of my dear Michigan.
there was only a 2 pt difference between negotiator - thrives with people, seeks stability, peacemaker - so i found peace of mind in the more comfortable label of a negotiator. that was familiar. friendly. something i could most definitely relate to.
but yesterday as we explored a suburb of orlando, i realized that Oprah may have been right afterall. maybe it was me who was afraid of the change. of becoming something different, of developing into a person that was not familiar to myself. of realizing that person wants/needs.
we tend to stagnate when we're not forced to explore. we settle into a routine we appreciate because it's familiar to us. we go to the same restaurants. stay within the same community. spend time with the same people, because it's easier than meeting new people and developing new relationships.
but when i am pushed outside of myself (and i am always pushed, i never go willingly), it seems those are the moments that i can be the most truthful with myself: i do love the thrill of discovering new places. finding my niche inside of them. getting lost and finding my way back. again. and again. and again.
i added up my points - an explorer. easily bored. constantly seeks change. excited by adventure and the unknown.
i shook my head and whispered to myself "that can't be right." i put the pen down and stared outside the window, focused on how much i love stability, how the slightest bump in my best laid plans can cause me to careen over the side. how i cannot imagine seeking a life outside of my dear Michigan.
there was only a 2 pt difference between negotiator - thrives with people, seeks stability, peacemaker - so i found peace of mind in the more comfortable label of a negotiator. that was familiar. friendly. something i could most definitely relate to.
but yesterday as we explored a suburb of orlando, i realized that Oprah may have been right afterall. maybe it was me who was afraid of the change. of becoming something different, of developing into a person that was not familiar to myself. of realizing that person wants/needs.
we tend to stagnate when we're not forced to explore. we settle into a routine we appreciate because it's familiar to us. we go to the same restaurants. stay within the same community. spend time with the same people, because it's easier than meeting new people and developing new relationships.
but when i am pushed outside of myself (and i am always pushed, i never go willingly), it seems those are the moments that i can be the most truthful with myself: i do love the thrill of discovering new places. finding my niche inside of them. getting lost and finding my way back. again. and again. and again.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
1st Day
overview of friday, July 13th
wake up @ 7:30 am.
clean & pack house until 12pm
take shower
depart house @ 1pm
go to bank, pharmacy & subway.
eat lunch @ 2:00
go to airport @ 3:30
board & depart gr to milwaukee @ 5.30pm
motion sick by 5:35pm
arrive @ 5:15pm
board plane towards Orlando @ 7:00pm (1/2 hr late)
de-board plane @ 7:05 due to maintance issue.
reschedule on another flight @ 8:05pm
crying baby 2 rows in front chimes in @ 8:07
take off @ 9pm
cursing busted earbud @ 9:30
diet coke, cookie & pretzel served @ 11:00pm (eastern time)
debate asking stewardess if they happen to have dramamine @ 11:05
land @ 12am
back @ hotel @ 1am
to bed @ 2:30am
overview of today - Saturday, July 14th.
wake up @ 8am
breakfast @ 8:30am
sleep @ 9:30am
shower @ 10:30am
lunch @ 11:30am
sleep @ 1pm
me awake @ 5pm
N still sleeping . . .
wake up @ 7:30 am.
clean & pack house until 12pm
take shower
depart house @ 1pm
go to bank, pharmacy & subway.
eat lunch @ 2:00
go to airport @ 3:30
board & depart gr to milwaukee @ 5.30pm
motion sick by 5:35pm
arrive @ 5:15pm
board plane towards Orlando @ 7:00pm (1/2 hr late)
de-board plane @ 7:05 due to maintance issue.
reschedule on another flight @ 8:05pm
crying baby 2 rows in front chimes in @ 8:07
take off @ 9pm
cursing busted earbud @ 9:30
diet coke, cookie & pretzel served @ 11:00pm (eastern time)
debate asking stewardess if they happen to have dramamine @ 11:05
land @ 12am
back @ hotel @ 1am
to bed @ 2:30am
overview of today - Saturday, July 14th.
wake up @ 8am
breakfast @ 8:30am
sleep @ 9:30am
shower @ 10:30am
lunch @ 11:30am
sleep @ 1pm
me awake @ 5pm
N still sleeping . . .
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Bad Omens & To-Do Lists
because i'm CRAZY i picked up a shift today at work. yesterday, after my boss brought me roses & donuts (for everyone) to celebrate my last day, she then asked if could, you know, maybe come in tomorrow because, well, diane has the day off, and well, uh we're really short handed. . .
and because i have nothing better to do than leave for florida on friday i agreed.
speaking of having nothing better to do, here's the to-do list before 3pm tomorrow:
buy matisse new tags
get a perscription filled
clean out the refridgerator
do laundry
clean the house
scrub the house
dust the house
vacuum the house
pay bills
pack
find N's cds
pack matisse
print off my e-ticket
fax out an agreement to the hotel
go to the bank
you know. just a couple of things. nothing big.
i've had a streak of bad luck lately which may not be the best omen for tomorrow. and i've been dealing with on a first come-first serve basis - "stand in line, i'll deal with you next - sort of attitude. and suprisingly, that attitude made all the difference. in a 4 day time period:
i locked my keys in the car (and the spare set too) & had to pay $80 to get them out
my mom fell down the stairs and got a concussion (she's alright now, thank god)
matisse ate the tv remote control . and because that wasn't tasty enough he then moved on to the dvd remote.
i was not able to book hotel rooms downtown for the wedding because that weekend (brace yourself) the American Rabbit Breeders Association National Convention is coming to GR. when the lady @ the hotel told me i burst out laughing and then "wait. really?"
really.
the only reedeming thing about this week?
in about 25 hours i'll be in orlando . . .
-edit on Friday 8:29 am-
why the hell did i book a ticket on friday the 13th? bad omens, indeed.
and because i have nothing better to do than leave for florida on friday i agreed.
speaking of having nothing better to do, here's the to-do list before 3pm tomorrow:
buy matisse new tags
get a perscription filled
clean out the refridgerator
do laundry
clean the house
scrub the house
dust the house
vacuum the house
pay bills
pack
find N's cds
pack matisse
print off my e-ticket
fax out an agreement to the hotel
go to the bank
you know. just a couple of things. nothing big.
i've had a streak of bad luck lately which may not be the best omen for tomorrow. and i've been dealing with on a first come-first serve basis - "stand in line, i'll deal with you next - sort of attitude. and suprisingly, that attitude made all the difference. in a 4 day time period:
i locked my keys in the car (and the spare set too) & had to pay $80 to get them out
my mom fell down the stairs and got a concussion (she's alright now, thank god)
matisse ate the tv remote control . and because that wasn't tasty enough he then moved on to the dvd remote.
i was not able to book hotel rooms downtown for the wedding because that weekend (brace yourself) the American Rabbit Breeders Association National Convention is coming to GR. when the lady @ the hotel told me i burst out laughing and then "wait. really?"
really.
the only reedeming thing about this week?
in about 25 hours i'll be in orlando . . .
-edit on Friday 8:29 am-
why the hell did i book a ticket on friday the 13th? bad omens, indeed.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Community
at first i was hesitant to publish the ah hah post. i was going to come home and crawl under my covers where i would write over tear stained paper. but for some unknown reason i wanted to publish online. in the back of my head i kept asking myself why in the world i would want to announce my faults and insecurites to the general public, let alone those who are closest to me and thus read this blog? why would anyone want to expose themselves in such a vulnerable way?
maybe it was simply a matter of recognition. if i have to annouce the problem maybe i will have a greater tendency to recognize it, change it and be held accountable to it. maybe the closest people in my life will become my closest allies as well, stopping me when they see me falling into the terrible old habit of "pleasing".
but i didn't expect it to really happen. i didn't expect everyone to jump into the comments section and say "we support you" "we hear you" "we've been there ourselves".
AH recently wrote a very inspirational post about the power of 1. if one person can make a difference than we will slowly move towards a better world. and there are an abundance of ways to do so. some have chosen an untraditional method of parenting to bring up well adjusted children, others support the local ecomony, others still choose hybrids & build compost piles.
i may or may not do any of the above, but i do vow not to shy away from publishing things that "expose" me. that make me vulnerable. that make me human. by doing so, i hope that more will follow and that we can create a community of friendship & support. a place where we feel comforted not vulnerable. where we can undertake this journey together, not alone.
maybe it was simply a matter of recognition. if i have to annouce the problem maybe i will have a greater tendency to recognize it, change it and be held accountable to it. maybe the closest people in my life will become my closest allies as well, stopping me when they see me falling into the terrible old habit of "pleasing".
but i didn't expect it to really happen. i didn't expect everyone to jump into the comments section and say "we support you" "we hear you" "we've been there ourselves".
AH recently wrote a very inspirational post about the power of 1. if one person can make a difference than we will slowly move towards a better world. and there are an abundance of ways to do so. some have chosen an untraditional method of parenting to bring up well adjusted children, others support the local ecomony, others still choose hybrids & build compost piles.
i may or may not do any of the above, but i do vow not to shy away from publishing things that "expose" me. that make me vulnerable. that make me human. by doing so, i hope that more will follow and that we can create a community of friendship & support. a place where we feel comforted not vulnerable. where we can undertake this journey together, not alone.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Ah Hah
i'm still not at the point that i can laugh about it. i'm sure someday soon i will be able to. accidents happen and even thought i would like to believe i'm immune to them. i'm not. i'm human. which means i'm full of mistakes.
i had one of these "ah-hah" moments today. standing in the kitchen with my brother-in-law acknowledging the fact that locking my keys in the car made me distraught (it had) and that i was more concerned about other's reactions than about how simply accidental it had been.
it's true. i was thinking how this was inconviencing everyone else -
Anna who had to drive me to my parents.
Howie & Mike who had to give up video game time to assist
Nathan's reaction when he would find out that i would have to pay $80 to get a locksmith and his reaction when i would inevitably have to tell him that i lost his keys
My parents who would have to stay up later to bring me to my apartment
The security guard that would have to take the time out of his schedule to let me in my apartment.
the locksmith, already lacking sleep, that would have to come open my car
matisse, who would have to tag along for the whole adventure, rather than just curling up on a couch and going to sleep.
and then to top it off, i apologized to all of the above, even to the security guard & locksmith whose JOB it is to help me.
and then i apologized for being so distraught.
when did i start apologizing for my life?
for being me?
it's a vicious cycle i've created for myself. and now @ 25 years old i have to find a way to stop it. i've become a person who feels guilty for a majority of my life. for not cleaning the house. for eating the wrong food. for not doing laundry when i think i should. for taking matisse for 2 walks rather than 3. for not completing an assigment on time. i have the mentality of a beaten housewife, but have never been abused by anyone except myself. i beat myself up. i tell myself i'm inconviencing people. i tell myself that i'm not good enough. that i need to be better next time. that i have to be perfect ALL the time.
and i'm not perfect. sometimes i eat after 7.30 pm. sometimes my schedule is too busy to get in that extra walk. sometimes N might have to scrounge through his closet for something to wear because it's been 5 days since i've done laundry. sometimes i lock my keys in the car.
and rather than acknowledging this as a reality, i acknowledge it as another fault to add to the ever-growing list. I MUST IMPROVE, i tell myself. and then when i don't. or can't. or won't. the cycle begins again. do said fault. beat self up for said fault. tell myself i must not fail again. inevitably fail again.
the truth is no one was truly bothered:
Anna had to drive Madeleine to sleep anyways
Howie & Mike said they were not bothered
Nathan wasn't mad about the locksmith or his keys (which were in my car)
my parents said it was no big deal
the security guard was just doing his job
the locksmith got $80 for performing his 20 second job
matisse still got a full nights sleep.
it was really only me who came away from the experience battered. it was only me who did the battering. it is only me who can stop it in the future.
i had one of these "ah-hah" moments today. standing in the kitchen with my brother-in-law acknowledging the fact that locking my keys in the car made me distraught (it had) and that i was more concerned about other's reactions than about how simply accidental it had been.
it's true. i was thinking how this was inconviencing everyone else -
Anna who had to drive me to my parents.
Howie & Mike who had to give up video game time to assist
Nathan's reaction when he would find out that i would have to pay $80 to get a locksmith and his reaction when i would inevitably have to tell him that i lost his keys
My parents who would have to stay up later to bring me to my apartment
The security guard that would have to take the time out of his schedule to let me in my apartment.
the locksmith, already lacking sleep, that would have to come open my car
matisse, who would have to tag along for the whole adventure, rather than just curling up on a couch and going to sleep.
and then to top it off, i apologized to all of the above, even to the security guard & locksmith whose JOB it is to help me.
and then i apologized for being so distraught.
when did i start apologizing for my life?
for being me?
it's a vicious cycle i've created for myself. and now @ 25 years old i have to find a way to stop it. i've become a person who feels guilty for a majority of my life. for not cleaning the house. for eating the wrong food. for not doing laundry when i think i should. for taking matisse for 2 walks rather than 3. for not completing an assigment on time. i have the mentality of a beaten housewife, but have never been abused by anyone except myself. i beat myself up. i tell myself i'm inconviencing people. i tell myself that i'm not good enough. that i need to be better next time. that i have to be perfect ALL the time.
and i'm not perfect. sometimes i eat after 7.30 pm. sometimes my schedule is too busy to get in that extra walk. sometimes N might have to scrounge through his closet for something to wear because it's been 5 days since i've done laundry. sometimes i lock my keys in the car.
and rather than acknowledging this as a reality, i acknowledge it as another fault to add to the ever-growing list. I MUST IMPROVE, i tell myself. and then when i don't. or can't. or won't. the cycle begins again. do said fault. beat self up for said fault. tell myself i must not fail again. inevitably fail again.
the truth is no one was truly bothered:
Anna had to drive Madeleine to sleep anyways
Howie & Mike said they were not bothered
Nathan wasn't mad about the locksmith or his keys (which were in my car)
my parents said it was no big deal
the security guard was just doing his job
the locksmith got $80 for performing his 20 second job
matisse still got a full nights sleep.
it was really only me who came away from the experience battered. it was only me who did the battering. it is only me who can stop it in the future.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Ooh Ahhh
i turned down my music and picked up my phone.
"where are you?"
"at the top of a parking garage. i'm watching 5 different firework shows at once."
Ok, maybe i was a little disappointed that N and i couldn't watch the 4th of July fireworks together. that i wasn't in orlando and he wasn't here.
while he watched them from the top of a parking garage, i was watching the colors at 70mph from my windshield & rearview mirror. i too, saw various shows that ranged from Reeds lake to Burton Heights.
initially, i had wanted to be downtown. lost in the throngs of people. searching for that perfect spot that would offer the perfect view. i wanted to feel the hard ground under the soft blanket. i wanted to wipe away beads of sweat from my forehead and lament at how long it would take for the sun to set and the show to start.
but as i drove down the highway i was offered a different vantage point that was just as beautiful. the perfect night sky - a deep black saturated with bursts of white & red & blue. in various shapes and textures & rhythms. i got to look down at the throngs of people. the bridges so crowded. people standing at the top of parking garages. some flying in airplanes up ahead. others stopping on the side of the highway to look up to the sky.
i rode on by. with my windows down. music on soft. listening for the inevitable pop of the fireworks and then looking up.
joining with all the others who stop for one night of the year to admire the sky.
"where are you?"
"at the top of a parking garage. i'm watching 5 different firework shows at once."
Ok, maybe i was a little disappointed that N and i couldn't watch the 4th of July fireworks together. that i wasn't in orlando and he wasn't here.
while he watched them from the top of a parking garage, i was watching the colors at 70mph from my windshield & rearview mirror. i too, saw various shows that ranged from Reeds lake to Burton Heights.
initially, i had wanted to be downtown. lost in the throngs of people. searching for that perfect spot that would offer the perfect view. i wanted to feel the hard ground under the soft blanket. i wanted to wipe away beads of sweat from my forehead and lament at how long it would take for the sun to set and the show to start.
but as i drove down the highway i was offered a different vantage point that was just as beautiful. the perfect night sky - a deep black saturated with bursts of white & red & blue. in various shapes and textures & rhythms. i got to look down at the throngs of people. the bridges so crowded. people standing at the top of parking garages. some flying in airplanes up ahead. others stopping on the side of the highway to look up to the sky.
i rode on by. with my windows down. music on soft. listening for the inevitable pop of the fireworks and then looking up.
joining with all the others who stop for one night of the year to admire the sky.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Evening Beauty
each evening near sundown, i go for a stroll. matisse and i walk down the street where the lillies are as almost as tall as i and then we dance through the sprinklers as the fireflies, aglow, hover near the wet earth. we pass the daisies, just starting to come to life, their small buds already starting to collect the evening's dew. we pass aparments & condos & homes who's porches are dotted with adirondack chairs. some people are playful with their paint. adventurous even. treating it as though it were sidewalk chalk or a crayola crayon - their chairs bright purple, others lime green with colorful polka dots. then there are always the more traditional types with the pristine white. i imagine them spending one afternoon each year giving them a fresh coat. painting on perfection.
flowers are abundant this time of year. so are gardens. and children playing outdoors. they ride bikes & scooter pass me, sometimes pausing to pet matisse, other times zooming pass. probably in a rush to get home before night settles on the earth & their mother calls the neighbors inquiring as to his where-abouts.
sometimes, matisse and i are offered little suprises on our walks. a turtle passing from the dry earth to the damp swamp. seeking shelter in the cool waters & camoflage in the green plants. lately, it's been firework shows. amateur, at best, but i still pause in my stride to admire the sky. other times it is as simple as a bird crossing our path or the recognition of shadows at our sides, the way the leaves dance on their branches, the american flag that acts as a startingly beautiful filter of light.
there is so much beauty in this big world. if we would just stop. breathe. & recognize it will call out to us. & show itself in all its grandeur.
flowers are abundant this time of year. so are gardens. and children playing outdoors. they ride bikes & scooter pass me, sometimes pausing to pet matisse, other times zooming pass. probably in a rush to get home before night settles on the earth & their mother calls the neighbors inquiring as to his where-abouts.
sometimes, matisse and i are offered little suprises on our walks. a turtle passing from the dry earth to the damp swamp. seeking shelter in the cool waters & camoflage in the green plants. lately, it's been firework shows. amateur, at best, but i still pause in my stride to admire the sky. other times it is as simple as a bird crossing our path or the recognition of shadows at our sides, the way the leaves dance on their branches, the american flag that acts as a startingly beautiful filter of light.
there is so much beauty in this big world. if we would just stop. breathe. & recognize it will call out to us. & show itself in all its grandeur.
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