Uncertainty

I've walked over many unstable bridges in my time. There's the one in the nature preserve around the corner; clumsily built with logs that laid nearby. That bridge has deteroiated over the ages, from the hundreds of hiking boots that have crossed to the yearly spring rains that drench it and cover it for a spell. i've walked that bridge a hundred times, always with bated breath even though the river raging underneath it is only a mere 2 feet deep.

There was the bridge at camp when I was a kid. A suspension bridge that swung underneath my every footstep whether i willed it to or not. It covered only a small marsh but i always grew nervous that somehow it would sway too much and i would be somehow catapulted into the unknown. I never was, my feet always reached other side, despite the best efforts of cousins and a big brother, who stood at each side jumping up and down making my traverse just a little bit more scary.

I have watched others cross similiar bridges. Some of them constructed only of thick rope, draped over vast canyons of stone. Some cross quickly motivated either by excitement at what lays at the other side or by nervous energy that their foothold will give out. Some cross these bridges lazily, gazing at the views above and underneath them, not faint of heart. Others looking for more adventure, jump and move these rope bridges as they cross, living for the thrill of the ride rather than the belief that it maybe unstable or worse yet, unsafe.

I've never been a risk-taker. I've always been an over-thinker. I forge my path only after analyzing the best laid plan. That plan often being the one that has the least amount of risk and therefore ensures my "survival." Just crossing a small footbridge i analyze the angle that i should attempt it. If it leans to the right just a little too much i will make sure i'll lean to the left and avoid the wet spots that might cause me to slip. I just don't jump onto it. I just don't jump into anything.

Often times I associate risk with faith. Faith that little in this life can actually kill us. Faith that survivial is inevitable because we make it so. Faith that our own abilities will not allow us to falter.

I sometimes wonder if i'm not a risk taker simply because I lack so little faith in my own abilities.

Recently, I started job hunting. The yearly migration back to Michigan means that it's time to pull the yellow highlighter out of retirement and brush up on my bs skills for all those cover letters. So i did so. Not because i wanted to, truth was the thought of it both made me scared and sick, but because i thought that it was expected of me. If i'm not following N around with duffle bag in hand, than I certaintly must be working a crap job that painted a bleak future.

N stopped me dead in my resume-submitting tracks this week "You don't have to. I like you taking care of me. I like that you play and take long walks with the dog. I like you're happiness. Why don't you try doing something that makes you happy?" Like writing? Like blogging? Like upcycling? Like photography? Like going back to school? Volunteering at one of the museums?

I can do that? I can pursue that and it would be ok?

"It'll be ok." he said.

So i've sat on it for the last couple of days. Let that feeling digest in my stomach. And time and time again i've had the same feeling of panic that cuts my walk short any time I get to an unstable bridge. What if N gets laid off? What if my arts driven personality means no second income? What if i don't actually follow through? What if the fear of failing is too great? What if i don't take that step, what if i don't cross that bridge?

What then? Back up plans were thrown up into the air and whisked away by the wind long ago. That's what it means. And i've never been one to forgo a good back up plan.

So, I think for now i'll keep highlighting, keep putting stamps on pretty envelopes and crossing my fingers as I dump them in the mailbox. But i might be more selective the 2nd time around. Find something that appeals to me; that may only be part time so I can pursue all those other venues of my life if i so choose. So if some day down the line I become I brave enough to step on that bridge without calculating the angles, only with a deep breath and the belief that i'm strong enough to get to the other side by my own innate powers.

He'll Blow Your Socks Off!

Introducing jonah smith.

only one of the best new artists i've heard in the last 5 years.

buy! buy! buy!

Nothing Says Love Like An Addiction

Hi. My name is L and I am an addict.

(Hi L.)

It's not a bad addiction, it's not one that i can't control . . . .although i'm sure all of you have said that at one point or another and if it was something that I could control, well, i guess i wouldn't be here would i? ha.

I was introduced to the drug by a friend a couple of years ago. It took a few times to really get used to its power but after a few times I really got hungry for it. At first it was something to just spice up my life a little. Add a little flavor. But then i started to realize that it was growing out of control. I could go through a half bottle in one sitting. The problem was becoming bigger than I. I tried to monitor my intake. Nothing is good for you in large doses. So i would pick up a small bottle here and there. Use it only on special occasions when i really needed that extra umph.

But this week i reached a new low. I reached the bottom of the bottle and still needed more. Poor N has been subject to this addiction. He's seen the empty bottles in the trash, extra's hidden away in the cupboards, he's even see me carry it around in my purse. . . just in case i may need it later. He's even supplied it, the poor soul, just to make me happy. That's exactly what happened this week. He went to one supplier and they didn't have it. He came home and saw the sadness and disappointment all over my face and left in his car again to resume the search. You can only imagine how i felt - desperate for this drug and inconviencing my husband in search of it.

When he returned i could tell he was haggard. Sick of the addiction, sick of trying to keep me happy in my addiction. But instead of putting his foot down. Instead of saying enough is enough he came back with a month's supply:

Tabasco Green Sauce.

Nothing says love like a 12 pack.

Dear Mozilla Firefox,

I've been burned before by you before. And i gave you the 2nd chance I thought you deserved only to wake up this morning, stumble before the lit screen of my computer with coffee in hand wiping the sleep from my eyes, only to open your browser and have all of my favorites gone. GONE! Coffee became inconsequential at that point because the adrenelaine shot through my veins as i realized that my internet lifesource was wiped clean.

I don't think you understand the importance of the favorites tab because if you did or had you would not have performed such a cruel joke. I am internet address unsavy. In fact i don't even know the proper term for typing an address into the blank box at the top of my screen, which is why i am clinging to baby terms like pathway and address as i write this because, because my whole life revolves around the click of a mouse rather than relying on memory and my type pad to navigate the internet. When i (delightfully) strike it lucky and find a site worth of my time and traffic, i rely on the favorites tab to find my way back. I don't memorize the address, i just double click & voila! it's stored in virtual memory for me. Isn't that why it was created? So you would remember so i didn't have to?

You disappoint me.

N told me to give up on you after the first time it happened and i defended you. Said i might have hit a wrong button. That maybe you reset in the night. That it may have been my dell rather than your own wrongdoing. Through the grace of god i was able to update my list of favorites, find old ones and new ones and delightfully cruise the internet with the click of the mouse and with the blind belief that you wouldn't let it happen again.

Mozilla Firefox, what i'm really trying to say is this: the old adage is "3 strikes you're out" but i can't let something of this magnitude happen again. So. . . . our time together is up. I'm moving on. I'm taking N's advice and relying on the memory of internet explorer.

Hopefully some day I can find it in my heart to forgive you. But for now, i just have to step back and away from you. I hope to one day look back on all the good times.

Respectfully,
L

After Wedding Blues

one week after the wedding and i already feel my self slipping. my sister-in-law warned me with an arm wrapped around me: "life changes. you're not as busy. yes, there are a couple of bills to pay, a few thank you notes to write but then . . . nothing except time that you used to be consumed with color schemes, floral arrangements and the finalization of a menu."

i brushed off her remarks with a slight of the hand. Oh i'll be fine, i said. i'll look forward to the free time, the chance to relax, relish in the opportunity to move from bride back to human.

but i already see the trends of depression forming in my life - desire to sleep. . . always, difficulty finding motivation to complete simple tasks like doing a load of laundry, wanting to hide away in the quiet of home rather than socialize with friends.

i've beat it before. diet, exercise, self expression thru one venue or another. turning up my music really loud. all of these things aid in the healing process. now i must just focus my energy. find my direction and work through whatever is hindering.

put one foot in front of the other. each day. everyday.

Married With Returns

well, the house is almost pile free now if you don't count the wedding gifts stacked behind the couch that need to be returned or the pile in the kitchen of garage sale or the pile by the laundry closet of luggage and shoes or those in the bedroom of N's luggage and my laundry basket. who knew that getting married felt so much more like moving?

yesterday as i was unpacking gift bags and boxes and mulling over the science of making the most of my square footage in comparison with stuff, a lighting bolt epiphany hit me: what the hell was i thinking? when i registered i must have been taken away in a bliss of beeping that made me think that i lived in a mansion that afforded me to the luxury to house 2 juicers, 5 pasta servers & 8 of each alcoholic beverage glass.

thus the evolution of the return pile. Yes, i hate to return the pasta serving bowl but it being so much like the 2 vegetable bowls i have (and have already used thus making them impossible to return) it must got back to it's pretty place on the shelf of a well lit store. also, N broke my will and managed to finally convince me that our little apartment will never have 8 guests all of whom have a desperate ache for some white wine. so we compromised and i'll keeping only 4 of all the glasses i registered for. this compromise came when he said "if by some rare act of god we actually do have 8 guests all wanting white wine i'm sure they'll be ok if we serve it to them out of red wine glasses." ok, i responded and let go of my grip on the box of glasses.

getting married makes you momentarily greedy lending to the belief that cupboard space is vast. but getting married also provides another voice way beyond the me. me. me. of it all. one that speaks to my logic rather than my emotions and provides that balance that i had been searching for all the way to the aisle.

Sometimes I See My Life Through Song Lyrics

gonna go out
to the arrivals gate at the airport
and sit there all day
watch people reuniting
public affection is so exciting
it even makes airports o.k.
watching children run
with their arms outstretched
just to throw those arms
around their grandpas' neck
watching lovers plant kisses
old men to their misses
at the arrivals gate

watching a mother
with a mother's smile
don't tell me to move
i just want to sit here for a while
i have determined
it's a sure cure for cancer
watching excitement turn family dogs
into dancers
at the arrivals gate

i got me a white bread sandwich
with some shredded lettuce
i got me a ring side view
for my quaint little fetish
i just wanna drain my little pink heart
of all its malice
and kick back for the afternoon
in this fluorescent palace

everybody's in a hurry
here in purgatory
except for me
i'm where i need to be

at the arrivals gate

the arrivals gate/ani difranco/to the teeth

Chores

I have acid reflux. I don't know if it's because of the onions on my delicious subway sandwich or because i have a gazillion things to do and i just, i just, don't want to do them. Either way, i feel pretty much like hell. I know what i need to do, and it requires sitting down for an extended period of time with my computer and hashing things out, but still it's hard to motivate myself to do it.

I think sometimes we waste more energy putting things off than it takes to actually do them.

You Know You Live In A Conservative Town When

. . .the Bible is GVSU's favorite book (per Facebook)

Adult Candy

TV is not addiction for me. Not withstanding a netflix movie, i usually grow bored within a half hour and decide to move on with my life and do something productive. Maybe this is because i don't have a gazillion channels or 10 channels for that matter or maybe because i don't find a fuzzy screen (even after i have adjusted the bunny ears) all that entertaining or maybe i'm just A.D.D. But for some reason, it just doesn't capture my attention like it used to.

HOWEVER, the internet is a different story. I used to lament to all my friends that N could stay comatose in front of a tiny screen for hours and i just didn't see what was all that interesting about it. Yes, i checked my e-mail and favorite sites once a day but beyond that it just didn't appeal to me.

Enter joblessness & being in a state where i knew no one. Enter the firm belief that the internet is entertainment: do you know you can watch television on the internet (thanks mtv)? look at ridiculous videos of everyday people via youtube? discover new music? read books? catch up on hollywood gossip? watch other people live their lives while you, well uh, don't (justintv you have me hooked), shop clothes & household goods.

oh my goodness. OH MY GOODNESS. I'm like a kid in a candy store. Internet is now my new favorite way to procrastinate & it's obvious to others beside just me. When mom and dad came to visit N and i in the Keys last year she got up one morning as N and i sat side by side on the bar each in our own internet world "is this what you do all day?" she asked. We looked at her and then resumed our lives online. I am now one of them.

In case your interested in procrastinating or killing time or finding something that serves a great good (your entertainment) while your at work, i listed a few more of my favorite blogs & other sites i'm addicted to on the right hand side of the blog. Check them out. Hopefully you'll enjoy them as much as i do.