Uncertainty

I've walked over many unstable bridges in my time. There's the one in the nature preserve around the corner; clumsily built with logs that laid nearby. That bridge has deteroiated over the ages, from the hundreds of hiking boots that have crossed to the yearly spring rains that drench it and cover it for a spell. i've walked that bridge a hundred times, always with bated breath even though the river raging underneath it is only a mere 2 feet deep.

There was the bridge at camp when I was a kid. A suspension bridge that swung underneath my every footstep whether i willed it to or not. It covered only a small marsh but i always grew nervous that somehow it would sway too much and i would be somehow catapulted into the unknown. I never was, my feet always reached other side, despite the best efforts of cousins and a big brother, who stood at each side jumping up and down making my traverse just a little bit more scary.

I have watched others cross similiar bridges. Some of them constructed only of thick rope, draped over vast canyons of stone. Some cross quickly motivated either by excitement at what lays at the other side or by nervous energy that their foothold will give out. Some cross these bridges lazily, gazing at the views above and underneath them, not faint of heart. Others looking for more adventure, jump and move these rope bridges as they cross, living for the thrill of the ride rather than the belief that it maybe unstable or worse yet, unsafe.

I've never been a risk-taker. I've always been an over-thinker. I forge my path only after analyzing the best laid plan. That plan often being the one that has the least amount of risk and therefore ensures my "survival." Just crossing a small footbridge i analyze the angle that i should attempt it. If it leans to the right just a little too much i will make sure i'll lean to the left and avoid the wet spots that might cause me to slip. I just don't jump onto it. I just don't jump into anything.

Often times I associate risk with faith. Faith that little in this life can actually kill us. Faith that survivial is inevitable because we make it so. Faith that our own abilities will not allow us to falter.

I sometimes wonder if i'm not a risk taker simply because I lack so little faith in my own abilities.

Recently, I started job hunting. The yearly migration back to Michigan means that it's time to pull the yellow highlighter out of retirement and brush up on my bs skills for all those cover letters. So i did so. Not because i wanted to, truth was the thought of it both made me scared and sick, but because i thought that it was expected of me. If i'm not following N around with duffle bag in hand, than I certaintly must be working a crap job that painted a bleak future.

N stopped me dead in my resume-submitting tracks this week "You don't have to. I like you taking care of me. I like that you play and take long walks with the dog. I like you're happiness. Why don't you try doing something that makes you happy?" Like writing? Like blogging? Like upcycling? Like photography? Like going back to school? Volunteering at one of the museums?

I can do that? I can pursue that and it would be ok?

"It'll be ok." he said.

So i've sat on it for the last couple of days. Let that feeling digest in my stomach. And time and time again i've had the same feeling of panic that cuts my walk short any time I get to an unstable bridge. What if N gets laid off? What if my arts driven personality means no second income? What if i don't actually follow through? What if the fear of failing is too great? What if i don't take that step, what if i don't cross that bridge?

What then? Back up plans were thrown up into the air and whisked away by the wind long ago. That's what it means. And i've never been one to forgo a good back up plan.

So, I think for now i'll keep highlighting, keep putting stamps on pretty envelopes and crossing my fingers as I dump them in the mailbox. But i might be more selective the 2nd time around. Find something that appeals to me; that may only be part time so I can pursue all those other venues of my life if i so choose. So if some day down the line I become I brave enough to step on that bridge without calculating the angles, only with a deep breath and the belief that i'm strong enough to get to the other side by my own innate powers.