Merry Christmas!

What would Christmas be without a little manical cleaning? I spent the better part of last night cleaning the entire condo (i'm using the word entire liberally here, this condo is the size of my studio apartment with an added wall between the bedroom and the living room/kitchen/dining room/family room) because I couldn't stand it ONE MINUTE LONGER! It was quite obviously that slacking on my house wife duties last week made me a little crazy; it was not my intention to spend Christmas night combing the house over with a dust rag and a broom.

Needless to say, it was a different kind of Christmas this year - no real christmas tree (instead we used the fake ficus in the corner to put our one gift under), no snow (i believe the temperature lingered around a chilly 78 degrees), no big dinner with family (we ate leftovers), no real gift exchange (N got me a necklace but I didn't get him anything), no wrapping paper littering the house (the few gifts we did get were mostly gift cards sent by parents and we do have a few misc. amazon boxes laying around).

Instead we did what any 2 family-less-ness people would do: go to a ridiculously early movie (Juno - it's great. go as soon as you can), return the rental car to the airport just to pick up another one, read & play xbox, clean, and think of all the great restuarants we would like to go to if only understanding restaurant owners would forgo their christmas plans with family to assist those without plans or family to make it feel like just another day of the year. It makes the sting of being away from home a lot less painful. Okay? Thanks.

Suprisingly, I finally managed to get all of the christmas gifts for family ordered and shipped. I did miss out on the essential Amazon.com free shipping AND the presents will be arriving late because I refused to pay the extra $30 for one-day shipping despite the guilt trip offered up by said company: "Are you 100% positive that you want to ruin your niece's 3rd christmas by not having your gift under the tree that magical morning? She's at a very impressionable age and she may begin to think that Santa doesn't really care about her or worst yet her aunt and uncle don't care. Do you really want to be that person not to pay the additional $30 to make her holiday dreams come true? Really?"

Yes, i said. Dr Seuss can wait a week.

Ok, I might exaggerate, but only slightly.

I hope all of you had a great Christmas full of hot chocolate, more food comsumption than your body could handle, restful afternoon naps, your dreams wrapped in frosty the snowman wrapping paper, great kinship with friends & family and memories that will last a lifetime if you can only remember them the next day (you may have had a bit too many candy cane martinis) .

Merry Christmas
(a day late, just like your presents)

The First Day

I was going through old e-mails and found this. This e-mail was the from the first day N left to go down to the Keys for FEMA.

It feels like another lifetime. . . .

i have this thing. that although you probably don't care that much about what i did with my day - the small trials and tribulations such as filling out my self eval for work. or the rejoicing: succeeding in hiding behind the student in front of me as to not get called on by my professor and forced to answer questions that i don't know because i didn't do the assigned readings - i still feel it somehow imperative to tell you about it. cause i tell you everything. everyday. and it just feels right. nothing more. nothing less.

the self eval sucked. basically. if you want the long and the short of it. yes, i have taken on krista's responsibilities which on paper don't boil down to too much but when taken into a larger context that's a hell of a lot of additional work. who knew that krista called ahead to place orders for spoons, paper plates, etc. I personally though the employee showed up with the supplies and replenished them as needed. small particular like that don't fall into the 150 word space you're alotted. i can just imagine you know how i feel about that . . .

but i grinned and beared it. finished it. updated my resume in bdis. which did not look pretty mind you taking into context my job experience and those of my fellow (more elderly) co-workers. they're established. i'm still roaming. but i did it. got it done. handed it in. we'll see how the review goes. hopefully something better will come out of it rather than just the 2.75% raise i was told.

carrie met me for lunch to lift my spirits. it helped. a lot. i'm am so grateful for her friendship and her willingness to compromise sleep, etc to make me feel better.

yosse was on my heels all day asking if i needed anything - pop, etc. it was a nice gesture, but for the most part i just wanted to be left alone today. if anyone asked about you it was hard not to cry so i just did my best to avoid all contact with everyone.

i have a lot of homework for the weekend. a art history test next thursday so i'll need to work on my readings for that class this weekend. no matter how much i love you or how grateful i am to spend every second i can with you, i know this experience will be helpful to my grades. have nothing else to do, why not excel at school?

this morning after i dropped you off i accomplished a lot. dropped your dte bill in the mail. also dropped off your end of contract $. I looked for a drop box inside the door where you get your cookies. one of the employees saw me roaming around there at 6:30 in the morning and asked if he could help me. he probably thought i was some crazy woman off her medication :) but that's taken care of. went back to your apt and finished up the laundry. took my stuff home. made breakfast and went to work.

will try and go to apt this weekend and clean out the fridge and start packing up the kitchen. any thing you want left out for when you return?

oh, one more thing i turned off your computer this morning. hope that's ok.

if i don't talk to you tonight. have a good one. be safe. sweet dreams. i love you.
L

Follow Up

I personally like the idea of having a picture on the front of your credit card. Then whether or not you decide to sign your credit card there is another form of id available to hinder credit theft.

What The . . . ?

I'm not so angry about standing in line at the Post Office for an hour, but I am fuming that they refuse to "accept" unsigned credit cards. It didn't matter that I had my ID with me. They still wouldn't accept it. So I finally relented and signed the damn card and handed it to her. She then actually had the nerve to ask for my ID.

Once I had taken a deep breath and told myself that the Post Office's policies were not the work of the woman standing in front of me, I asked her if she knew why that policy was in place. "I don't know," she said "they've never told us."

Awesome. I love GREAT ideas that have no explanation attached to them.

A Conversation Between Friends

"My friend is pregnant . . . and distraught."
"You should go see her."
"Would that be inappropriate?"
"No."
"Will you come with me?"
"No! I don't even know this person."
"But you're my best friend and you always know what to say in these kind of situations."
"The only thing inappropriate would be me coming along."
"So what should I say?"
"Say everything will be ok."
"Should I take vodka?"
"Probably not, considering the circumstances."

E.X.H.A.U.S.T.E.D

After a particular grueling workout, I am actually considering wearing pajama bottoms out in public.

Heresy.

Backstreet's Back, ALL RIGHT!

Remember this guy? Yeah, I didn't expect you would. It's Howie from the Backstreet Boys and yesterday as N & I aimlessly wandered around downtown Orlando we stumbled upon a horse drawn carriage that contained these two. Yes, confirmed Perez Hilton, Howie and his long time girlfriend were married in downtown Orlando yesterday. They then headed to their reception in what?! That's right, a horse drawn carriage.

Apparently, the other BSB where in attendence and while I did see a lot of guys in tuxes mulling around the streets, I just didn't make the connection. I guess, I just never thought that Orlando was a Z-list hot spot.

It's funny how life sometimes comes full circle. It wasn't too many years ago that C & I rushed home from school and sat on the edge of our seats waiting for the new BSB video to premier on TRL. She was going to become Mrs. Littrel and I wanted to head down the aisle to become Mrs. Carter.

These days, I don't think either of us would wish that on our worst enemy. Afterall, did you get a chance to watch the delectable and completely dysfunctional House of Carter (on E!)?

All in all, I can say that was the my first celebrity encounter (even though it was less encounter and more, well, happenstance) if you don't count the time i ran into Lee VanAmeyde at Target where as I roamed through rows of christmas delights and sang softly to myself various christmas carols he looked at me and said "don't think because you're singing christmas carols i'm going to put you on tv." I just looked at him for a moment and continued pushing my cart down the aisle.

Luck

Have an interview in about a 1/2 hour.

I really don't know what to think of all this. Sometimes life makes the decisions for you, and there's nothing left to do but hold on and see how it all plays out.

Morning Glory

*For larger image, please click on the picture*

This could have been a good blog entry . . .

I'm having considerable problems with my camera lately. It's not allowing me to transfer pictures to my computer. It's supposed to automatically upload the new images to the computer when I turn it on but apparently pissed off it's being used so much because it's stomping it's feet like a 2 year old and refusing to follow through with my requests. I took a great picture this morning and wanted to post it to the blog, but all you're gonna get is my rant about said camera because it's NOT COOPERATING!

But maybe, just maybe, if we can't fix it this will mean I can upgrade to a real camera soon. That would be thrilling beyond belief but expensive as hell. Once upon a time N wanted a camera with all the bells and whistles but that was before I ruined his camera and since then he has kind of given up on the dream. So if we did get a camera, I imagine it would be more for me than us. Who knows, maybe he would get the bug again . . .

I went to bed at 6pm last night. I had been feeling awful all day (all week actually) - migraine, sneezing, sniffling - and finally just cut my losses and told my body it could take a break from all things productive. Earlier in the day I had tried to curb the pain with a good dose of shopping but when I couldn't make a clear headed choice between that black patent leather clutch OR that black patent leather clutch I threw my hands in the air and went home. Today, i'm feeling considerably better although it's still touch and go. Hopefully i'll be back on my feet before too long.

Maybe tomorrow i'll write a real entry. . .

For now, I think i'm gonna go take some more ibprofuen & take a shower.

Days & Nights

It's 3.30 in the morning and I can't sleep. I never have a problem falling to sleep (my friends & family would attest that I have probably set records in that category) but i always seem to wake up in the middle of the night. It's not a problem when i'm not working or going to school, i kind of enjoy the silence of the middle of the night. The solitude. The stillness. Most of all the stillness.

Went for my morning walk yesterday. Glorious, simply, glorious. Early in the morning, the sun cast a warm vanilla hue over the land. The fog started to lift off the earth, buoyant from the heat of the sun, the clouds returning back to their home in the sky. Absolutely breathtaking. I am learning to be thankful for every moment my feet remain planted on the ground.

Move into the new condo today. Yesterday when we go the keys for it was really the first time i got to see it. I drove there wondering if it would feel like home, i crave the semblance of home when i'm here. Just someplace where I can hang my hat and feel comfortable. I've learned hotels are not that place, no matter how hard we try to create them to be. I arrived at the condo, stepped in and immediately. . . breathed. Yes, much better. Much better indeed.

Looking for something to do - a book club, volunteering, a hobby, maybe even a part-time job if we can swing it with one car. Now that the wedding has passed, the thank you's written, the unemployment issue adverted (for at least a time, the search must go on however) & we've found a better place to live, I find myself alone too much in a big city where I know very few people. I need to do something to make friends, acquaintances at the very least. I want to feel useful & productive again. At the very least, I really should start fueling my energy into writing, photography and Chic & Green. Also, there's the possibility of working alongside Home Away From Home, which would absolutely delight me.

There is no lack of opportunities or ingenue, I just need to dive head first and learn to not be afraid of outcomes.

Off to bed, long day of unpacking ahead.

30 Days of Giving Back

Granted, this is from Glamour magazine, but I still thought it provided some useful ways to give back for the holidays or all year 'round. . .

1. Buy a holiday turkey for a family in Baton Rouge (home to thousand of Hurricane Katrina evacuees) for $25 @ brfoodbank.org
2. Offer snow shoveling services to an elderly neighbor. Excellent exercise & there may be cocoa in it for you.
3. Support the troops with warm socks , deodorant, CheezIts: find their wish lists @ anysoldier.com
4. Donate new blankets to kids in homeless shelters @ projectnightnight.org
5. Buy funky gifts @ thrift stops that give back such as Out of the Closet; sales help support the AIDS Healthcare Foundation. For locations, see outofthecloset.org
6. Before you shop online, go to goodshop.com. Then buy from participating retailers and the site donates a portion of your purchase to the charity of your choice.
7. Give manicures @ a local nursing home.
8. Spend an hour or two a week helping an immigrant learn English (check out literacy volunteers.org)
9. Help protect half an acre of rain forest in South Central America with a $25 donation at rainforestalliance.org
10. Donate old cell phones to victims of domestic violence for emergencies (go to ncadv.org and click 'donate').
11. Vaccinate 50 people around the world from deadly diseases such as meningitis, measles or polio with a $50 donation at doctorswithoutborders.org.
12. Provide a month of care for a woman or child rescued from sexual slavery for just $30 at sharedhope.org
13. Get friends involved. To find group volunteer projects, go to thevolunteerfamily.com.
14. Clean out your closet! Then donate old glasses (neweyesfortheneedy.org), shoes (shareyoursoles.org), and even wedding gowns (makingmemories.org).
15. Find projects that help people in your very own zip code at dosomething.org.
16. Make a $10 donation to freethechildren.org and a special matching-funds program will turn it into $100 worth of medical supplies for kids around the world.
17. Mentor an at-risk teen online at icouldbe.org.
18. Volunteer - inside or out - at a national park (nps.gov)
19. Play the Mozart concerto you've (almost) mastered for seniors. For local programs, see volunteermatch.org.
20. Help an aspiring student pay for college at scholarshipamerica.org.
21. Send aDVD or video game to hospital-bound kids via childsplaycharity.org.
22. Tutor a future J.K. Rowling @ 826national.org
23. Staying home for the holidays? Donate frequent-flier miles to injured solidiers' families @ heromiles.org
24. Look at your medical history, then donate to a cause that could help your loved ones, be it the American Heart Association (americanheart.org), Susan G. Komen for the Cure (komen.org) or another charity.
25. Loan money to a budding entrepreneur in the developing world @ kiva.org.
26. Train your pooch to be a therapy dog for nursing homes and hospitals @ tdi-dog.org.
27. Sell gifts you don't need through eBay's Giving Works program (givingworks.ebay.com), which earmarks a percentage of sales for the charities of your choice.
28. Give to donorschoose.org; a small donation can help create cozy reading nooks for underfunded classrooms.
29. Upgrade your laptop; worldcomputerexchange.org will send your old one to a child in one of 61 countries.
30. Give blood (to find out where, go to givelife.org). What better reason to stop and lie down for 10 minutes?

Can't Get Enough

So much good music out there right now: Feist's The Reminder was listed as the best album of the year. yes, yes & yes. John Mayer just released Say. Tori Amos' American Doll Posse. Alicia Keys As I Am only 2 weeks out and an inevitable pick for a 2008 album of the year. All of it therapy for the soul.

Speaking of John Mayer & Alicia Keys, a you tube video is circulating of John Mayer performing Alicia's No One. Love watching John Mayer live, like a long string bean with guitar in hand. I've seen him 3 times in concert and each time he's kept me mesmerized. He's a musician because he has to be, the music is just within him, it just spills out. Brilliant.

On that note, music i can't stop listening to:
Destiny/Zero 7/Simple Things
Bouncing Off Clouds/Tori Amos/American Doll Posse
Apologize (featuring OneRepublic)/Timberland/Shock Value
Long Ride Home/Patty Griffin/1000 Kisses
Car Crash/Matt Nathanson/Some Mad Hope
Until the End of Time/Justin Timberlake & Beyonce/FutureSex Lovesounds Deluxe Edition
Say/John Mayer/Say - Single
Like A Star/Corinne Bailey Rae/Corinne Bailey Rae
I Can't Make You Love Me/Bonnie Raitt/Luck of the Draw
In the Margins/Ani Difranco/Reprieve
Back to Black/Amy Winehouse/Back to Black
Lesson Learned/Alicia Keys/As I Am
Killing Time/Jonah Smith/Jonah Smith
Sea Lion Woman/Feist/The Reminder
And in honor of christmas: River/Sarah McLachlan/Wintersong

Unemployment

We wait for the baby to arrive; for gasoline prices to drop; for retirement; for the moment and the money to buy a new house or the latest technology; kids wait for christmas just like their parents wait for date night; wait for that acceptance letter to our 1st choice college; wait for the promotion or the job of our dreams; single girls wait for the large diamond ring to be slipped on their finger; wait for a honest politician to finally take office; wait for wars to be over and peace to rule; wait for the ball (and the other one too) to drop; wait for happiness to come because we are tend to taught that it's more of a physical state than an emotional one.

And sometimes we wait for the inevitable.

This was one of those things that was inevitable, I just didn't want to see it that way. It's hit me harder than I thought or would have ever wanted.

One month in, life throws us a curve ball and declares the honeymoon over.

"ok," you say with eyes set forward, "on to the next best thing." I know you you're not broken- up about this (stressed, yes, but not broken hearted), hated that crummy ass job, with its loads of paperwork that made you stuck in a cubicle day after day. I know you hated being treated like a puppet, always under the direction of someone else. I know you anticipated this day, anticipated what you forsaw as the inevitable. FEMA was a way to delay it.

I on the other hand kept my head down, denied the obvious, didn't want to feel or think or even make a hypothetical out of all this. So I didn't, I charged forward believing that paperwork meant safety; that people, out of the goodness of their hearts, would spare us; that happiness can/should be compromised for a paycheck.

And for that i am deeply sorry.

I'm also sorry that you're comforting me. Reassuring me. Having to be the strong one when it was your job. It should be the other way around, I know that. But, no matter how hard i try, i just can't be that person today. Not even tomorrow. But I hope I can soon. For you.

Where to now? What next?

One big question mark.

When It Rains, It Pours

strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
when i'm holding on underneath this shroud
rain

strange how hard it rains now
rows and rows of big dark clouds
when i'm still alive underneath this shroud
rain rain rain

from rain/patty griffin/1000 kisses

Tuesday Update

The dog has finally tuckered out. Only after chewing a whole box of paper and forcing me to throw a ball for him only, huh, a gazillion times.

I think i'm ready to give up on technology. N and I (ok, mostly him) have been trying to fix a glitch in the audio of my computer for about a week now. We bought an external hard drive because the memory on my computer was so low and we thought that that might be a contributing factor, however, $90 later it has not made a lick of difference. Poor N has really been beside himself with the whole ordeal, I think he's tried everything under the sun to try to fix it but the problem persists like a bad headache. Itunes has just not been the same since . . .

In good news, we get our brand new Samsung 26" LCD HDTV today via Amazon. We will finally be able to watch our beloved Netflix in style and retire the 12" that i've had for about 10 years. The new TV marks a milestone for N, it's the first TV he's ever bought. Watch out, there will be plenty of pictures to come at the time of installation and well, celebration!!

Speaking of pictures, I finally posted a few pictures from the Halloween party @ A & H's. In case you were wondering, N & I went as Miami tourists, hence the gray wigs and capri pants with cherries (they are my mom's and she still thinks they're pretty hip!). N is wearing a Florida Key's tee-shirt which ironically enough was purchased @ Goodwill in Michigan. And if that isn't insipiration enough to click on my flickr than maybe this will: a (fuzzy but equally hilarious) pic of N comparing bellies with our friend who is 6 mo. pregnant.

Enjoy!

Maybe I Should Just Become A Music Promoter

It's been out a while now, but if you haven't picked it up and added it to your collection, it's defintely worth it.

Amy Winehouse / Back to Black

Uncertainty

I've walked over many unstable bridges in my time. There's the one in the nature preserve around the corner; clumsily built with logs that laid nearby. That bridge has deteroiated over the ages, from the hundreds of hiking boots that have crossed to the yearly spring rains that drench it and cover it for a spell. i've walked that bridge a hundred times, always with bated breath even though the river raging underneath it is only a mere 2 feet deep.

There was the bridge at camp when I was a kid. A suspension bridge that swung underneath my every footstep whether i willed it to or not. It covered only a small marsh but i always grew nervous that somehow it would sway too much and i would be somehow catapulted into the unknown. I never was, my feet always reached other side, despite the best efforts of cousins and a big brother, who stood at each side jumping up and down making my traverse just a little bit more scary.

I have watched others cross similiar bridges. Some of them constructed only of thick rope, draped over vast canyons of stone. Some cross quickly motivated either by excitement at what lays at the other side or by nervous energy that their foothold will give out. Some cross these bridges lazily, gazing at the views above and underneath them, not faint of heart. Others looking for more adventure, jump and move these rope bridges as they cross, living for the thrill of the ride rather than the belief that it maybe unstable or worse yet, unsafe.

I've never been a risk-taker. I've always been an over-thinker. I forge my path only after analyzing the best laid plan. That plan often being the one that has the least amount of risk and therefore ensures my "survival." Just crossing a small footbridge i analyze the angle that i should attempt it. If it leans to the right just a little too much i will make sure i'll lean to the left and avoid the wet spots that might cause me to slip. I just don't jump onto it. I just don't jump into anything.

Often times I associate risk with faith. Faith that little in this life can actually kill us. Faith that survivial is inevitable because we make it so. Faith that our own abilities will not allow us to falter.

I sometimes wonder if i'm not a risk taker simply because I lack so little faith in my own abilities.

Recently, I started job hunting. The yearly migration back to Michigan means that it's time to pull the yellow highlighter out of retirement and brush up on my bs skills for all those cover letters. So i did so. Not because i wanted to, truth was the thought of it both made me scared and sick, but because i thought that it was expected of me. If i'm not following N around with duffle bag in hand, than I certaintly must be working a crap job that painted a bleak future.

N stopped me dead in my resume-submitting tracks this week "You don't have to. I like you taking care of me. I like that you play and take long walks with the dog. I like you're happiness. Why don't you try doing something that makes you happy?" Like writing? Like blogging? Like upcycling? Like photography? Like going back to school? Volunteering at one of the museums?

I can do that? I can pursue that and it would be ok?

"It'll be ok." he said.

So i've sat on it for the last couple of days. Let that feeling digest in my stomach. And time and time again i've had the same feeling of panic that cuts my walk short any time I get to an unstable bridge. What if N gets laid off? What if my arts driven personality means no second income? What if i don't actually follow through? What if the fear of failing is too great? What if i don't take that step, what if i don't cross that bridge?

What then? Back up plans were thrown up into the air and whisked away by the wind long ago. That's what it means. And i've never been one to forgo a good back up plan.

So, I think for now i'll keep highlighting, keep putting stamps on pretty envelopes and crossing my fingers as I dump them in the mailbox. But i might be more selective the 2nd time around. Find something that appeals to me; that may only be part time so I can pursue all those other venues of my life if i so choose. So if some day down the line I become I brave enough to step on that bridge without calculating the angles, only with a deep breath and the belief that i'm strong enough to get to the other side by my own innate powers.

He'll Blow Your Socks Off!

Introducing jonah smith.

only one of the best new artists i've heard in the last 5 years.

buy! buy! buy!

Nothing Says Love Like An Addiction

Hi. My name is L and I am an addict.

(Hi L.)

It's not a bad addiction, it's not one that i can't control . . . .although i'm sure all of you have said that at one point or another and if it was something that I could control, well, i guess i wouldn't be here would i? ha.

I was introduced to the drug by a friend a couple of years ago. It took a few times to really get used to its power but after a few times I really got hungry for it. At first it was something to just spice up my life a little. Add a little flavor. But then i started to realize that it was growing out of control. I could go through a half bottle in one sitting. The problem was becoming bigger than I. I tried to monitor my intake. Nothing is good for you in large doses. So i would pick up a small bottle here and there. Use it only on special occasions when i really needed that extra umph.

But this week i reached a new low. I reached the bottom of the bottle and still needed more. Poor N has been subject to this addiction. He's seen the empty bottles in the trash, extra's hidden away in the cupboards, he's even see me carry it around in my purse. . . just in case i may need it later. He's even supplied it, the poor soul, just to make me happy. That's exactly what happened this week. He went to one supplier and they didn't have it. He came home and saw the sadness and disappointment all over my face and left in his car again to resume the search. You can only imagine how i felt - desperate for this drug and inconviencing my husband in search of it.

When he returned i could tell he was haggard. Sick of the addiction, sick of trying to keep me happy in my addiction. But instead of putting his foot down. Instead of saying enough is enough he came back with a month's supply:

Tabasco Green Sauce.

Nothing says love like a 12 pack.

Dear Mozilla Firefox,

I've been burned before by you before. And i gave you the 2nd chance I thought you deserved only to wake up this morning, stumble before the lit screen of my computer with coffee in hand wiping the sleep from my eyes, only to open your browser and have all of my favorites gone. GONE! Coffee became inconsequential at that point because the adrenelaine shot through my veins as i realized that my internet lifesource was wiped clean.

I don't think you understand the importance of the favorites tab because if you did or had you would not have performed such a cruel joke. I am internet address unsavy. In fact i don't even know the proper term for typing an address into the blank box at the top of my screen, which is why i am clinging to baby terms like pathway and address as i write this because, because my whole life revolves around the click of a mouse rather than relying on memory and my type pad to navigate the internet. When i (delightfully) strike it lucky and find a site worth of my time and traffic, i rely on the favorites tab to find my way back. I don't memorize the address, i just double click & voila! it's stored in virtual memory for me. Isn't that why it was created? So you would remember so i didn't have to?

You disappoint me.

N told me to give up on you after the first time it happened and i defended you. Said i might have hit a wrong button. That maybe you reset in the night. That it may have been my dell rather than your own wrongdoing. Through the grace of god i was able to update my list of favorites, find old ones and new ones and delightfully cruise the internet with the click of the mouse and with the blind belief that you wouldn't let it happen again.

Mozilla Firefox, what i'm really trying to say is this: the old adage is "3 strikes you're out" but i can't let something of this magnitude happen again. So. . . . our time together is up. I'm moving on. I'm taking N's advice and relying on the memory of internet explorer.

Hopefully some day I can find it in my heart to forgive you. But for now, i just have to step back and away from you. I hope to one day look back on all the good times.

Respectfully,
L

After Wedding Blues

one week after the wedding and i already feel my self slipping. my sister-in-law warned me with an arm wrapped around me: "life changes. you're not as busy. yes, there are a couple of bills to pay, a few thank you notes to write but then . . . nothing except time that you used to be consumed with color schemes, floral arrangements and the finalization of a menu."

i brushed off her remarks with a slight of the hand. Oh i'll be fine, i said. i'll look forward to the free time, the chance to relax, relish in the opportunity to move from bride back to human.

but i already see the trends of depression forming in my life - desire to sleep. . . always, difficulty finding motivation to complete simple tasks like doing a load of laundry, wanting to hide away in the quiet of home rather than socialize with friends.

i've beat it before. diet, exercise, self expression thru one venue or another. turning up my music really loud. all of these things aid in the healing process. now i must just focus my energy. find my direction and work through whatever is hindering.

put one foot in front of the other. each day. everyday.

Married With Returns

well, the house is almost pile free now if you don't count the wedding gifts stacked behind the couch that need to be returned or the pile in the kitchen of garage sale or the pile by the laundry closet of luggage and shoes or those in the bedroom of N's luggage and my laundry basket. who knew that getting married felt so much more like moving?

yesterday as i was unpacking gift bags and boxes and mulling over the science of making the most of my square footage in comparison with stuff, a lighting bolt epiphany hit me: what the hell was i thinking? when i registered i must have been taken away in a bliss of beeping that made me think that i lived in a mansion that afforded me to the luxury to house 2 juicers, 5 pasta servers & 8 of each alcoholic beverage glass.

thus the evolution of the return pile. Yes, i hate to return the pasta serving bowl but it being so much like the 2 vegetable bowls i have (and have already used thus making them impossible to return) it must got back to it's pretty place on the shelf of a well lit store. also, N broke my will and managed to finally convince me that our little apartment will never have 8 guests all of whom have a desperate ache for some white wine. so we compromised and i'll keeping only 4 of all the glasses i registered for. this compromise came when he said "if by some rare act of god we actually do have 8 guests all wanting white wine i'm sure they'll be ok if we serve it to them out of red wine glasses." ok, i responded and let go of my grip on the box of glasses.

getting married makes you momentarily greedy lending to the belief that cupboard space is vast. but getting married also provides another voice way beyond the me. me. me. of it all. one that speaks to my logic rather than my emotions and provides that balance that i had been searching for all the way to the aisle.

Sometimes I See My Life Through Song Lyrics

gonna go out
to the arrivals gate at the airport
and sit there all day
watch people reuniting
public affection is so exciting
it even makes airports o.k.
watching children run
with their arms outstretched
just to throw those arms
around their grandpas' neck
watching lovers plant kisses
old men to their misses
at the arrivals gate

watching a mother
with a mother's smile
don't tell me to move
i just want to sit here for a while
i have determined
it's a sure cure for cancer
watching excitement turn family dogs
into dancers
at the arrivals gate

i got me a white bread sandwich
with some shredded lettuce
i got me a ring side view
for my quaint little fetish
i just wanna drain my little pink heart
of all its malice
and kick back for the afternoon
in this fluorescent palace

everybody's in a hurry
here in purgatory
except for me
i'm where i need to be

at the arrivals gate

the arrivals gate/ani difranco/to the teeth

Chores

I have acid reflux. I don't know if it's because of the onions on my delicious subway sandwich or because i have a gazillion things to do and i just, i just, don't want to do them. Either way, i feel pretty much like hell. I know what i need to do, and it requires sitting down for an extended period of time with my computer and hashing things out, but still it's hard to motivate myself to do it.

I think sometimes we waste more energy putting things off than it takes to actually do them.

You Know You Live In A Conservative Town When

. . .the Bible is GVSU's favorite book (per Facebook)

Adult Candy

TV is not addiction for me. Not withstanding a netflix movie, i usually grow bored within a half hour and decide to move on with my life and do something productive. Maybe this is because i don't have a gazillion channels or 10 channels for that matter or maybe because i don't find a fuzzy screen (even after i have adjusted the bunny ears) all that entertaining or maybe i'm just A.D.D. But for some reason, it just doesn't capture my attention like it used to.

HOWEVER, the internet is a different story. I used to lament to all my friends that N could stay comatose in front of a tiny screen for hours and i just didn't see what was all that interesting about it. Yes, i checked my e-mail and favorite sites once a day but beyond that it just didn't appeal to me.

Enter joblessness & being in a state where i knew no one. Enter the firm belief that the internet is entertainment: do you know you can watch television on the internet (thanks mtv)? look at ridiculous videos of everyday people via youtube? discover new music? read books? catch up on hollywood gossip? watch other people live their lives while you, well uh, don't (justintv you have me hooked), shop clothes & household goods.

oh my goodness. OH MY GOODNESS. I'm like a kid in a candy store. Internet is now my new favorite way to procrastinate & it's obvious to others beside just me. When mom and dad came to visit N and i in the Keys last year she got up one morning as N and i sat side by side on the bar each in our own internet world "is this what you do all day?" she asked. We looked at her and then resumed our lives online. I am now one of them.

In case your interested in procrastinating or killing time or finding something that serves a great good (your entertainment) while your at work, i listed a few more of my favorite blogs & other sites i'm addicted to on the right hand side of the blog. Check them out. Hopefully you'll enjoy them as much as i do.

I'm Too Easy To Roll Over

There's a great Ani D lyric that goes:

you think i stand so firm
you think i sit so high on my trusty steed
let me tell you
i'm usually face down on the ground
whenever there's a stampede
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
i'm too easy to roll over
i'm too easy to wreck
i just write about what i should have done
i just sing
what i wish i could say ( i'm no heroine / living in clip )

Today, i realized just how easy i am to bulldoze over. And it's not an easy feeling to sit with. Did i give up the fight because i realized it was petty? Did i give it up because i felt that it could somehow, someway compromise our friendship? Or did i do it simply because it was easier than confronting the situation. . . again?

There is a thin line between door mat and "wow, i've got balls!" and i tend to want to tread the line that makes me just a sensible, feeling human rather than either of the above. it's a hard line to dance around and most of the time i think i trip on over to doormat more so than "i've got balls." i have never been the kind of person that likes to fight. or argue. or talk with gritted teeth for that matter. . .

Here's the situation: friend & bridesmaid picked out shoes that don't really match the dress or the formal attire that is her dress. After long debates with friends and bridesmaids, they convinced me that I should bring it up, maybe gently ask if she would buy new shoes that would match the dress better.

So after three days of pumping myself up for the conversation i finally left a message: "umm, hi. Sorry i didn't get in touch with you this weekend. it was pretty busy, but hope you had a good one. So i'm calling because um i was thinking that i would like you to get some new shoes for the wedding that match the dress better. I think it would look better for uh pictures and um C got her shoes @ bridal elegance and uh they weren't that expensive and they just dye them to match. Really simple. Just give me a call back. Ok, thanks."

the whole time during that two minute diatribe i'm thinking "wow, i got balls" but i was about to be showed up in the ball department by two that were much much bigger.

return phone call: "hi. . . . about the shoes. i really don't have time, money or a desire to get shoes that i'll never wear again." She then proceeds to say that if pictures are going to be a problem she can just take the shoes off for them.

huh. cause bare toes poking out from underneath the hem of your dress looks better than those shoes?

So i called her back and had an awkward conversation in which i apologized for having a "bridezilla" moment and said i may be mean but i would NEVER ask for her to take her shoes off for pictures. . . geesh. give me some credit as the sensible, feeling human being that i am.

So now i wonder should i have put up more of a fight. Offered to pay for them? Insisted? Or did i do the right thing by dropping it and saying that's fine, i understand. Money is tight for everyone. Time is of the essence too.

Truth is i wasn't a bridezilla. I asked as gently as i could after giving the situation much thought and contemplation. but i still fear that that was how i came off: angry, insistent & unfriendly. It seems the few times that i do cross that line into "wow, i got balls!" i am rebuked and it throws me back into doormat. Not because i am so hurt by the others responses but because i feel like such a bad human being when it's all said and done.

BedMate

Tonight Matisse & I are going to try a brand new experiment.
He's going to sleep in the hallway and i'm going to sleep alone in my king size bed.
It's going to be awesome.

This Must Be What It's Like

Yeah, of course. now that the deadline has passed response cards are just flooding in. figures. we would not accomplish anything in this world if it weren't for the last minute. me included:
i called the marriott on Friday and talked to one of the receptionist "i think i need to cancel my block of rooms because my understanding is that if i don't use them all then we will be charged for them."
"well, ma'am i don't know the specifics of your contract you probably worked it out with mark. ."
"yes, yes, that's right. i did."
"well, i'll leave a message for him that you would like to cancel the remaining rooms."
"thanks."

In an ideal world i would have asked to speak to Mark or sent Mark an e-mail via the brand new, ultra cool internet that allows me to "talk" to people without actually talking. OR this is even better, i would have pulled the contract out of my wedding planner and actually read the fine print. . .

Regardless, i would have followed up like the responsible adult i am. . . . supposed to be.

Enter Tuesday afternoon with my legs thrown over the back of the couch watching a Netflix of Will & Grace trying to push the nagging feeling that i really should check on that hotel contract because i can explain a lot of different credit card charges to N but how in the world would i explain 8 rooms with tax?! So after letting my lean cuisine digest for a little bit i finally walked the 3 steps over to the wedding planner, pulled open the tab with the contracts and found said contract in less than 30 seconds.

After reading the fine print and realizing that the deadline had passed and that cancellations needed to be received in writing i realized i was shit up a river and finally needed to actually communicate with my contact at Marriott. So i used the new technology to send the e-mail and got a response within a matter of minutes that answered all my questions.

AND I PROCRASTINATED FOR ALL THAT? For exactly 5 minutes out of my 24 hour day?

This could have ended badly, but it didn't.

But i learned that my very own organizational skills deemed necessary by this wedding really does pay off.

So THIS is what it's like to be organized? It actually does take less time to accomplish tasks and it doesn't come with the inevitable stomach ache.

Nice.

Nite Out

i remember why i don't go out now. i hate running into people i knew way back when and having to suffer through awkward conversations that you can barely hear over the throbbing techno music:

R: "Logan, Sara Barber?!" Stops & points at us and we both stand on the sidelines of the dance floor. Me dressed in a sweater/sweatshirt combo, jeans & heals looking oh so 25 and not 18. I look at the stranger for the longest time not placing her, assuming she must be an old acquaintance of Sara's but she really doesn't seem to be making the connection either. I stare longer
R: "I can't believe you don't know who i am?! I know who you are?!" Somewhere in my brain connections are starting to be made, but when i finally shout out a name
"Oh my God, Faith!" it's the wrong one but i don't think she heard me over the music so i'm safe once i truly recognize who she is.
R: "Do you still fucking hate me?" HuH?! This girl that i knew and was friends with 6, 7, 8 years ago would never look like this and would really NEVER drop the F word in the first sentence. What college and life experience does to people. . . .

So we proceed to make small talk. I ask if she's still writing. She asks what i'm up to and proceeds to congratulate me on getting married. Sara says she a social worker. We sip from our straws & look around because we don't know what else to talk about and the thought of trying to hold an interesting conversation over the music seems like a chore.

A guy walks up to R, steps in close and whispers into her ear. She giggles & brushes sweaty strands of hair away from her face. She explains:
"I was just dancing with random guys out on the floor, you know how it is."
I knew how it was in circa 2003 when i still did this - get obliterated on shots of tequila and then attempt to find myself in the music that reverberated through the floor, in the arms of some complete stranger that i could only see through tequila eyes & a pumping strobe light that intensified the "high" even more.

4 years and one engagement later i find myself more happy sipping wine with dinner, exercising 2x a day and falling into my boyfriends arms night after night exchanging familiar stories or events from the day rather than superficial stories over shots. I don't know how it is anymore, but i did once upon a time so i smile & nod my head in agreement.

Andrea, Sara & I all leave before the bar before it closes (which would have been heresy 4 years ago) and strode along the downtown street arm & arm. Andrea asked if i really hated R? Back then, yes. Now, No. Andrea laughs and says at least i'm honest. I think about how everything has changed and how all those years offered me a fresh perspective on what's important. We continue walking in a silence for a bit until A pipes up again "To be perfectly honest, i thought the bar scene stopped when i stopped." we all laugh in agreement. we are adults, now. with jobs to work on saturday nights, early monday mornings and the belief that sundays are way too precious to spend hungover.

For N

I thought you may like this.
Matisse @ 8 months
& 76 whopping
pounds.



*click on image to enlarge. it looks a lot better that way :)

Weather Update

Brrr. . .

Stress

I forsee an impending break down.

R.S.V.P.

I got the response card from my only aunt on my dad's side.
decline with regret.
nothing else.
no "i hope you have a happy day." "our thoughts will be with you." "best wishes."
just
a check mark.


ouch.

That Which Inspires

I have things that need to be written. a wedding program. letters. thank you notes. journal entries laying out my life - right now - at this moment - as to not forget in the future. I have the pressure of an impending deadline. I have the pressure of knowing there are expectations. Awareness that the words i write down on a single sheet of paper will be recorded for a life time: whether it's preserved in memory or in a yellowing envelope in someone's dresser drawer. In years time they will pull it out of its wrinkled envelope, sit down in their favorite lounge chair and recount the words and the time in their life when they were spoken, written, read.

And that pressure makes me stop short. makes the pencil halt. makes my mind go blank. makes me believe, even just momentarily, that i can't do it. that i don't measure up. that it will never, no matter how hard i try, be as good as i would like it to be. The fear that won't be able to convey all that i want to and the words will fail me. . .

The absolute fear that i will not, god forbid, MEASURE UP.

Keep writing, they say. Put it all out there. Write now. Revise later. It will work itself out.
I hope so.

Inspiration is no longer flowing from my pores. No longer oozing from mind to hand. No longer rushing through tiny blue veins under the skin. So i turn elsewhere. To music. To the color palette that is now emerging outside. To cloudy days and cool temperatures. To the smell of hazelnut coffee. To a well written poem. To the symphony of spoons that plays out every time i cook dinner. To a well written lyric. Or a beat that makes me tap my fingers against the steering wheel. Linens from the dryer. A gusty wind. A rainy day. A paw up against my skin in the middle of the night. the love story that continually emerges with every conversation. the understanding that i need him. he needs me. and we would not be able to create a whole without one another.

finding true happiness for the first time in 25 years. and believing that it could last 25 more.

i closed my eyes momentarily. writing this opened them back up.

inspiration abounds.

and now, so does words.

Update

WRITER'S BLOCK.

Pure Hell

YouTube has allowed us to document bad service first hand. And the companies providing the poor service are outraged that some of us are taking matters into our own hand - publishing their customer service horror stories online. This one was featured tonight on ABC News.And i thought my flight was bad. . . .

GIVE

Because when fantastic ideas are presented along with the chance to do give and do good (and are endorsed by Oprah) its necessary to humanity to showcase them.

We do have the power to change other peoples lives.

This is brilliant.

Britney

Ok, ok. I wasn't a believer. I thought your glory days had been left behind you in a cloud of Toxic. You know with the child abuse allegations, the disastrous marriage to aspiring rap star & actor K-Fed, and a few pictures made public of your cha-cha as you got out of a car, the late nights out with your babies, the partying with Lindsay (rehab superstar) & Paris (jail bird), the emotional break down during your interview with Matt Lauer, the bad style choices, chewing gum on CNN during your discourse of war, the shaved head . . . .well . . . the list could go on and on but i'll stop there to save you a little bit of dignity. I admit, i had lost a little faith in you. I thought a comeback was impossible. I stay tuned like so many others just waiting for the run-away train to finally hit a wall.

But. . . .perez hilton has been chronicling your new releases the last couple of days and i've been tasting the samples. And their not that bad. Granted, their not Toxic or Hit Me (baby, one more time) or even Me Against the Music (featuring Madonna) but their not half bad either. Gimme Me - the remix - made my foot tap to the beat and it created this warm fuzzy sensation that made me want to crimp my hair, put on a low cut shirt and go out for drinks & dancing.

So essentially what i'm saying is that i'm glad you're back on the scene - i like thinking of you for your great music rather than with shaved head, cowboy hat and babydoll dress, balancing a baby on your hip as you juggle a frappacino in your hand. I like this you better. and i just want to let you know that i've missed you. and i know that a million other club goers have too.

Congrats on already breaking #80 (on your first day!) in the top #100.

Exercise

i took a shower last night around 10. this morning i can't find the motivation to go for a run. maybe if i don't take a shower now, i'll be more motivated later on to run just so i can take a shower. errands first. run later.

i hate exercise.

Fire, Puke, Ticks & Great Shoes

Since i've gotten home:

I found a tick crawling across my counter in all it's buggy creepiness. I killed it with the bottom of a glass and then on went on a rampage through the house checking sheets, couch cushions & my furry little friend, Matisse, for all things tick. He didn't appear to have anything, but i swear to god i've developed a rash on my bum since it's discovery.

Ruined my favorite pair of brown shoes because I wrongly assumed that shoe polish was a "one size fits all scenario." Meaning, that if i bought a brown colored shoe polish it would magically evolve in all it's magical-ness to match the color of my shoe. So even though I wikipedia'd how to polish a shoe, it didn't answer my questions so I went ahead with the mahogany colored shoe polish on a dark brown shoe and then wondered why it wasn't transforming. I kind of feel like Jessica Simpson thinking Buffalo Wings were really Buffalo Meat. Or Chicken of the Sea, Chicken.

Set off the fire alarms with my cooking. I had accidentally left an old pizza box in the oven and 6 weeks later when i returned i turned on stove and wondered after about 10 minutes of it warming up why there was a funky smell of burning. When my nose finally connected with my brain, i ran to the stove, opened it up and pulled a smoking box from the inside. I ran with the smoking box to the patio, stepped outside, realized i had no pants on and dropped the box and ran back inside. Classy eh?

Cleaned up a big pile of puke this morning. Matisse has been relentlessly chewing on bones since my return home and i think his stomach may have gotten a little upset due to the excessive amount of cow hide in his gut. Regardless, it was a nice wake up call. While in Florida, i had really missed getting on my hands & knees & scraping bits of food out of the carpet.

I still haven't unpacked because I just don't even know to begin to deal with this:
If there was a prize for the worst closet setup, this apartment complex would take 1st place. Completely useless.










I can't even take a good picture. Case in point below. That picture could be total frame worthy if the camera had not been set on the ACTION! setting.











I guess my whole life has kind of felt off kilter since my return. I guess i'm just not the same without N.

On the bright side, the shoes below are brand new (in the original box w/ tags), all leather stilettos. . . .
and were a whopping $.99 @ Salvation Army!!!! In the words of P. Hilton, that's HOT!

With Bated Breath, I'm Sure

I know that all of my loyal readers (all 3 of you) have suffered sleep deprivation, anxiety attacks & a general restlessness you just can't seem to shake off since my last entry. I understand. It happens to the best & the strongest of us. Well, i'm here to save you and update you on the going ons.

The flight home was absolute hell. That is if hell happens on a 747 jet with 200 people on board, 150 of them being small crying children. This same hell would have no air conditioning aboard the plane, make a fuel stop in Nashville because of undisclosed fuel leakage, have no ice to serve with beverages and also extend an ordinary 2 1/2 hour flight to an unbearable 4 hours. Yes, that would be hell alright. However, Midwest made strides to redeem themselves by holding my connecting flight for an hour so that i could get home on time. And it worked. I was overjoyed to reach the pavement in GR.

I had a wedding shower thrown by my best friend. It was beautiful and wonderful and I got a whole bunch of gifts that are stacked behind the couch awaiting N's arrival home so that we can go through them together and look at each one and stroke each one and think about how perfect it will be in our perfect little life. Or maybe that will just be me. The only one that i've actually used so far are the wind chimes from A which are currently out on the balcony chiming away. I am in love with them.

Speaking of the wedding, once upon a time (say about a year ago) when i wasn't worried about time constraints, a budget or how the hell I could pull off a wedding i had the genius idea of setting up bare trees at the front for the ceremony and I would hang beautifully beaded votive candles from them. It would enclose us all in and be the naturalistic backdrop N enjoys and yet be simply stunning (what i enjoy). Great idea right? Yeah well the execution of genius idea is not going so well. My uncle said I could cut a few trees off his property but he's not sure which ones would work yet and then of course I would have to find a way to transport them back to Gr. Also, I have googled every single phrasing I can think of that would encompass exactly what i'm looking for:
"autumn fake trees"
"fake trees"
"trees fake"
"leafless fake tree"
"halloween tree"
"fake bare trees"
and every time i get directed to silk trees or christmas trees or trees that are too small or lit with gaudy orange lights or are composed out of shredded plastic. I've gone to websites that said they had every kind of tree imaginable! trees for every occasion! custom made trees! but i am here to say that is not true because they don't have the kind of tree that i'm looking for. . . .
I did find one site that sold an autumn tree for $78.20 but they didn't look reputable, didn't provide good enough spefications & not to mention, what the hell am i going to do with 3 fake 7' trees in 2 months? Next up, the nursery's but i'm not sure how i'm going to broach that subject "excuse me do have any dead trees?" I could revert to a plan B if only i had one. . .

yes, so if you have got any ideas i'm open to them.

I Hate Elitist Tattle Tales

Note found on dryer:
Please remove clothing so others may do their wash.
Managment,
Tony M

Our Response:
Time in: 6:30pm
Time out: 7:35pm
We'll remove our clothes when they are dry.
Thank you very much,
Paying Customer

Driving Force

awkward. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pregnant. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pauses
and then a rushsopowerful it causes adrenaline to shoot through my veins,
it causes muscles to tense
and fists to form.
so many times i just don't know what to say.
it falls between apology and justification. it
f
a
l
l
s
between acting the child & being the adult
sometimes all i can do is hold the receiver far from ear so i don't hear the mutterings of what i believe is disappointment
anger
or sadness.
it's hard to decipher which is which.
your voice never sways. it drives in a vertical line and gains speed in the straight-a-way.
i used to wave the white flag and when you'd jolt to a stop in front of my broken body i would try to explain away the situation.
i would try to diffuse the bomb.
but these days, you speed toward me and i don't wave the flag.
don't ask for a truce.
don't try to stop you.
i let the car hit my knees.
let the tires roll over me.
this outcome, i've come to realize,
is far better for mind
body
soul
than all the others.
because when all is said and done,
i am still capable of picking my broken body off the ground
and heading in the opposite direction
of your driving force.

Wek-a, Wek-a

This morning N & I went on a canoe trip under the expectation that it would just be us and the great outdoors. . . .

NOT!

Instead, we were surrounded by snorkelers that were doing turtle research and a youth group that didn't know how to properly interact with adults let alone steer a canoe. And while i was no natural, i certainly had the hang of it by the end.

But regardless of loud teenagers and the continuous danger of running into snorkelers, the trip was breathtaking with herons, egrits & a turtle that swam along the canoe just momentarily. It was more beautiful than any picture could convey, but i tried anyways.

If you'd like to see more, click on my flickr.

iPhone Bill

In Apple's effort to go greener, I think they may have overlooked something. 300 pages of data transactions that amounted to a measley $220.

The Hour Of Power

i have been thinking about you.

it's just for the last 4 days i haven't been able to think of anything worthwhile to write about. everything drips with mediocracy and the hum-drum of life. and while that's only interesting in the details (for instance, i bought a piece of luggage and the most exciting part about it is that it's hot pink) it's not enough to build a solid entry around.

But i'll give you a peek into all the things i've been thinking about, because essentially, it's better than not writing at all. in no particular order: coming home, calling the judge who will marry us, wedding insurance, leaving N, budget, alcohol that we can't afford, paying another deposit to our caterer, invitations, responses, The Hills, a dress fitting, how this lifestyle is not condusive to weight loss, 105 temperatures & outdoor exercise, a job, hurricanes, matisse.

see, i told you it wouldn't be exciting. but it's alll that buzzes around my head. day in, day out.

i've been waking up late at night at what i call the hour of power - around 4am. it usually starts with a trip to the bathroom and then i just begin to wander the small confines of this space. i check my e-mail, the blogs i read. i lay on the couch and try to close my eyes but my head just keeps on running. it's been something i've been fighting since Matisse came into our lives or since i really started planning this wedding, i don't know which. I don't believe it's a cause or effect, i just believe that a little knob turned somewhere in my head and told me that i can't relax, i can't rest, i have to check off little boxes on my internal to do list. maybe it comes with age and maturity. maybe when your body & mind realize that you have emotionally graduated from college and can no longer spend long nights dangling a cigarette over the ash tray, taking long drags from it in between sips of cheap beer. Maybe the mind knows it's no longer useful or beneficial (was it ever?) to stay up till 5 am in the morning and sleep till 3 pm that afternoon. Life no longer becomes ruled by our own selfishness but we must grow up for others - for matisse that needs to be walked twice a day, by finding a job that helps me to contribute to our dreams, to put together a wedding that i am proud of and others enjoy.

It's not that we want to grow up. there are times i would still like to max my credit card out on bar outfits & bar tabs. there are still times i wished i lived in my studio apartment built for one because it means i wouldn't have the responsibility of caring for 3. i still wish for careless days in which i could eat fast food at 4 am. but now that i'm older & supposably, wiser i know none of that is who i am. the knob turned and i became older. i now save for long trips around the world and try as i might i cannot revert back to a time that now lays behind me. i must move forward because its impossible to go any other direction.

That's Not Just Any Smoke Trail . . .

That's from the Endeavour Space Launch. Sorry, I missed out on getting you an actual picture of the space ship. It was faster than my camera could pick up but it essentially looked like a burning cigarette shooting through the sky.

I'll Admit It, I Can't Get Enough

I have the bug so badly that i hunted down the 2nd book last night @ 9pm. Desperate, i tell you, desperate.

Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel

1. For the sake of this post, I just learned how to spell Barrel thanks to my beloved Dictionary.com. I thought it had 2 L's or 2 R's or both.

2. For the last 10 or 12 days i've had my period. yeah, good times. sign me up for this more often. please. It started with slight spotting last Monday, got a little heavier on Wednesday and hasn't stopped since. It's nothing if not determined. And the whole thing has totally drained me of energy, has been causing havoc on the innards and has replaced my usual sunny disposation with a rain cloud complete with thunder claps. I'm sure N is just loving the new me . . . when he asks how i'm doing he expects the socially acceptable response of "good" or even "fine" but instead he gets a woman who's eyes bug out of her head, her hair stands straight on end and says "take a guess?? i dare you. . ." My guts hurt. it flucuates between intense cramping, a constant pressure and the feeling that my insides are trying to spill out through my belly button. And when it isn't my stomache it feels like i've been hit with a baseball bat on my temple. Or if my head is not throbbing, i'm so exhausted i sleep the whole day away on the couch.

I couldn't be better. really.

3. I finally picked up the first Harry Potter book. Yes, i said the 1st one. Truth is i wanted to wait until all the hoopla was over. Till it just became a really good book and not a national phenomenon or pop culture icon. Unfortunately, i'm starting to believe that will never happen considering i happened to accidently step into Borders Books the night of the final book release. Good Lord, i was the only Muggle in the whole store. It instantly transported me the most horrific memory of working until midnight at B&N to satisfy some kid's fix. They would come to my with drug crazed eyes asking when exactly the book would be released (midnight), what happened in it (i don't know kid, just because i work at this god forsaken place doesn't mean i am privillaged enough to read books that haven't even been released. I'm a cashier. Not J.K Rowling's editor), and what character i would be if i could (myself. that's why you don't see me dressed in big round glasses and a cape).

But i finally can say that i've made peace with all the hoopla. Have accepted it for what it is. And am REALLY enjoying the book.

4. One good thing came out of the broken camera. N's looking forward to getting a new, more improved one next. And i've already told myself to keep my accident prone hands off it.

5. Released a little over a year ago and i recently just bought the entire album. Corrinne Bailey Rae/Self Titled. Excellent. Pick it up.

How To Ruin A Good Day

It's this simple: have a great morning at Ponce Inlet. Proceed to Daytona Beach. Take your boyfriend's $200 camera out to said beach. Wait long enough for high tide. Then have wave wash up on beach getting the camera both wet & sandy.

Then in a desperate attempt to resolve the issue, spend 10 minutes in car trying to wipe away every bit of sand, turn it on to make sure it's still functioning and have the lense not retract when turn off.

Later boyfriend will tell you of importance of not turning on electronics when they are wet.

Walk away feeling like an idiot and realizing there is absolutely nothing you can do to rectify the situation. But just in case offer your life savings which amounts to a measly $75, which doesn't even pay for half of the camera.

End fun. Start not so fun.

Now that i think about it, and after having 3 days to think about it, turning tricks on the corner (per N's suggestion) may not be a half bad idea.

Ignorance Is Bliss & So Is Animal Planet At 7am

I have found that there are alternative ways to wake up in the morning. i don't need an alarm clock, i don't need the smell of coffee to lull me from my dreams or the voices of free beer & hot wings @ 5.30 in the morning. i don't need sweet kisses from my boyfriend or my dog (depending on my geographic location).

All i need is Animal Planet at 7 am. the quiet videos of other people starting their days. the sunrise over small ports, over coastal cities. i just need images of a kayak moving slowly through the ocean drowned in the morning light. i just need to watch small fishing ships load up their vessels with crab traps and hear the hum of engines and the songs of the sea gulls overhead. at that hour you don't want to think about crises around the world via CNN, hear the voice of a used car salesman during commercial breaks, or try to muddle through the drama of Law & Order, or the laughs of Kelly Rippa at such an early and volatile hour.

i want to wake up and believe that all is well in the world, that everyone rested as well as i. i need beautiful scenic imagery of the ocean moving in soft, rhythmatic patterns. i need the photo of an empty path through a winding forest. i need something peaceful that quiets me inside as well as out. that inspires me to open the curtains wide. to walk out the front door to an unpredictable world.

BlogHer

when i was in college, i found the only way i could truly study for an exam was in my bedroom with lab like conditions: a clean space in which every item was in its given place, indirect lighting, a total of 3 cds playing at random loud enough that i could hear the instruments but not the singing, a big mug of coffee to sip between thoughts and a blanket to wrap around me when i became chilled. these were the only conditions that worked for me. they were the only conditions that allowed for enough concentration to guarantee that A the next day.

i find i need similiar circumstances when posting on my blog. i tend to hunch down in a lazy chair, toss a blanket over my legs, put in my ear buds, pour myself a glass of wine and hunker down for the long haul until i like the post enough to actually expose it to eyes other than my own.

in this regard, N & i are completely different people. he sits down for 5 minutes in the evening and writes what is on his mind. mine can be a 3 hour endeavour. i believe there has to be some story, some insight, some lesson i've walked away from to become a more rounded person. i want to offer you something that i have sacrificed myself for.

but i don't know if that's the case. i don't know if people check my blog 3x a day to see i've updated. i don't know if people look forward to reading this. i don't know if they recommend it to others. i don't know if it's listed in their favorites.

which ultimately brings me to the point of all this blabbering. i've encountered blogher, a community of blogging women. it's a place to post your blog, gain exposure, connect with other women through mutual interest. it's caught my attention and i think i would like to join but to be honest i just don't know if I am at their level. i've read some of the blogs that belong to this community and they are, well, fucking fantastic.

these women have something worthwhile to say every single day. they talk of struggles with their children, their marriages, their careers. they take beautiful, perfectly composed pictures. they come up with catchy titles and funny antedotes. they paint beautiful pictures with words. they are what i strive to be.

i know it's all about vulnerability. all about self-esteem. i am not so closed off to myself that i don't realize that. but i'm hesistant to put something out there for constructive criticism when it is so near and dear to my heart (when it takes me 5 hours to compose 5 paragraphs). when it's my life we're talking about. i fear the reprecussions of that. but on the other hand, i don't want to live a life ruled by fear. it gets you nowhere. especially not to a place where one day i can say proudly that i have accomplished my dreams.

Great Moments in Presidential Speeches

i've been raving about this bit that David Letterman has been featuring nightly to anyone who will listen. if you haven't seen it yet, here is a compliation.

it's worth it.

A Happy Mess

on a good note, we did purchase wedding bands (on the recommendation of someone to look into Zales) AND we made the arrangments for the tuxedos AND got a majority of the guest list finished. on a bad note, N was sent home from work today because of his cold and while so far, i've been able to avoid the worst symptoms, i'm sure my time on dayquill/nightquill and in bed will come. it just has to when you're sharing the same tiny living space, drinking from the same straw and sleeping in the same bed.

these days i guess i feel a bit war-torn. my hair has not seen a good conditioning in 3 weeks. my toe nail polish is starting to chip. my heels now have well-developed callouses. i have officially run out of things to wear that are decent - the jeans are a little too baggy for my liking, the shirt is a little ill-fitting, the sandals don't match the outfit. everything's just a little too baggy or a little too ill-fitting for my liking. but, with only a month left here in florida & only one suitcase, i can't justify going out and re-vamping my wardrobe.

but it all serves as a good lesson anyways. one that on a daily basis teaches me to be happy regardless. because, in the long run it doesn't matter to anyone that my feet look like hell, my hair is so dry it's brittle, or my jeans are a little baggy in the ass. but, for this little while, it teaches me to say, "here i am. a mess. but a happy one. and for that, i'm ok.

Mind Numbing Fun

john mayer & jessica simpson palate cleanser
&
because some people can say it better than i

9AM

who says it's impossible to get anything done in the morning before you've had your first cup of coffee?

i just booked my ticket home in August (i'll be back late, late, late on the 23rd) and that's if there are no problems with my flights. i opted to pay for a more expensive ticket from Midwest because i didn't want to get stuck in the Northwest debacle of cancelled & delayed flights. that just hasn't been pretty.

N & I went to Blue Springs National Park last night in Orange City. we had been there earlier in the week for an hour or so to just look around but didn't get the chance to swim in the natural spring. last night, N left work an hour early, i packed our bathing suits and we headed out. it was w.o.n.d.e.r.f.u.l. (i'll post pictures soon).

today, neither of us are feeling great so i think we'll postpone our trip to Daytona Beach and go to Walgreens instead and stock up on cold medicine & throat lozenges. and maybe later on emerge from our over-the-counter drug induced haze to go look at wedding bands and get the tuxedos booked.

Seeking:

seeking a vacation rental in Lake Mary/Sanford area that feels like home. our new home must have on-premise washer/dryer & airconditiong. Must have at least 1 bedroom with king size bed, new bed sheets in no less than 600 thread count, and optional fan to ensure a good night's rest. preferably 2 bathrooms (labeled "his" and "hers") . her bathroom must come with a number of fluffy white towels, smelly bath salts, soaps and candles, and have a jacuzzi tub. i can provide hair & makeup products. his bathroom will be satisfactory with one towel, a used bar of soap, a razor and one bottle of Pert shampoo. Rental must be close to shopping district with a wide array of coffe shops, book stores, retail stores and restaurants. Rental will preferably have own pool complete with floaties & bar that has martini glasses with little pink umbrellas, but will consider it satisfactory if rental has community pool with above amnenties. Rental must have 2 flat screen tvs with attached dvd players, a stereo, and comfortable, clean, fashionable furniture. Rental must not have wall paper, nor contain outdated decorating motifs. Rentals kitchen must be clean and contain dishwasher, microwave, refridgerator, oven & coffee maker. prefers stainless steel appliances. must have a variety of cookware. also, must allow dogs of any size, age, pedigree & temperment. rental must have large screened in porch with wicker couch, chairs, table & ceiling fan.

Must be able to accomadate all of the above for a daily rate of $80, monthly rate of approximately $2000.00 and understand that no papers will be signed for long term rental due to personal circumstances. please understand and expect short notice of move-out.

interested parties, please leave a comment with contact information.

Today's Musts

today i actually have a to-do list:
pay bills
package & ship small present for future brother-in-law
pick up N for lunch at my beloved subway (Maddy, let's do lunch when i get home:)
buy fan (i haven't been sleeping much for the last 2 weeks even though i've given it my best shot)
buy new gold colored sandals because mine bit it this morning
design map for the wedding invitations

i love having work to do. . .

Wedding Nightmares

the nightmares are, apparently, just beginning. i sent a message via facebook to my best friend: "i had a horrible nightmare about the wedding." her response did nothing to comfort or soothe, "so, the nightmares are starting? I remember those!"

starting? as in, i'll have plenty more before this hellish event is over?

the nightmare entailed me rushing down the aisle as i slid on a shoe, hair disheveled, holding a paper sack of flowers. as i moved closer to the front, i tore off the brown paper from the flowers, untwisted the tie that was holding them together and tried to make some semblance of a bouqet out of roses with 3 foot stems. upon my rushed arrival to the front, i realized that no one was there to actually marry us, so N pulled one of his ordained fema buddies from the crowd to do the dirty work. and that was just the beginning. . .

the rice holders were not made. the favors not assembled. the invitations had never gone out. the band didn't know what to play. the guests didn't know where to sit. the catering company didn't know where to deliver the food.

this is what i've learned through this whole experience: i never want to made a decision again. do i choose the ivory background rather than the brown? do i choose the red candles over the off white? square or round vases? "the honor of your presence" or "the pleasure of your company", do i address to Mr & Mrs John Smith or John & Elizabeth Smith? Do i wear my hair down, or up or halfway in between? Do we want tuxes or suits? Do i want a single set ring or a channel set ring? Do i want a father daughter dance, a dollar dance, or no dances at all? what beers, wines or salad dressings do i want to provide my guests? and how much of everything? will i throw birdseed, rice or opt for bubbles instead?

and all of those choices don't even touch the choices that need to be made when registering. registering, which is supposed to be one of the most delightful events in a young brides life, has turned out to be rather torterous. the object? pick coveted items you would like for your house. but what if i don't have a house when i get married? what if we're just packing up our gifts and putting them in storage until god knows when? how do you plan for a house you don't yet have? walls that you haven't yet picked a color out for?

how do you plan for that?

it takes me back to the time when i stood in line at the registers office and had to declare my major. i was given a small piece of pink paper and a #2 pencil and told that i must pick both a major and a minor. how do you do that? how do you pick something in a split second that will determine your life's path from that moment on. how do i make choices on bath towels and dinnerware and intrinsically know that i'll like them 5, 10 or 50 years down the road?

instead, i stew, question, poll my friends and family and then stew some more. i put off making a decision till the very last second just in case i happen to make the wrong one. i lack confidence even in my instincts, the very thing in moments of doubt, you're supposed to listen to. and then in hindsight i inevitably say "i should have listened to my insticts."

well, my instincts say this: stick to earth tones when registering. they're easy to work with. and also, don't drive yourself mad with this wedding. it's one day. and will be here and gone before you know it.

RE: New Feature!!!!!

Dear N,

Again i am responding to your most recent post titled NEW FEATURE!!! (the 2nd time i have responded in about 5 minutes, i'm growing tired of your childish games). i just want to say that that is the poorest excuse of a "new feature" i have ever seen. you are saying america came out on top? let me remind you mr. republican ("on economics, not social issues") america has not been on top since clinton was in office and not since your bff gwb was elected.

you also list "go away" as one of your options for people who came out on top in the recent CNN-YouTube debate. my memory may be failing me (at the ripe 'ole age of 25) but i am unable to recall a democratic canidate by the name "go away" ( although i'm sure that anderson cooper wanted to say that to old complainer gavel). i'm sure it's just a lapse of my memory, there were at least 8 canidates and that can be overwhelming to somone like me to remember everyone.

i would just like to state that i am not a believer in competitions. i have shyed (sp?) away from competitive sports because i was always outrun. i never played a musical instrument because i could not get beyond chopsticks to chopin. i never tried out for science olympia because if i could not remember something as simple as roy g biv how on the earth would i remember the theory of relativity.

but there are some unexpectant things that i have excelled at in the arena of competition. drinking you under the table, trival pursuit, and my extensive knowledge of music (let us recall that i was the first person to introduce you to sexy back by jt)

and at the risk of sounding arrogant, you have invaded one of the things i am good at: writing. so read my lips (or words, i guess)

I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.

RE: Competition

Dear N,
i believe that quality is more important than quantity.
up yours.
L

CNN-YouTube

i remember the feeling of community brewing
of democracy happening
ani difranco/paradigm/knuckle down

the questions spanned from a father who had lost 3 members of his family in war, to a woman with breast cancer who is fighting for her life, to a priest who questioned the role religion should play in government, to reparations for blacks, to out-of-state voting.

i was completely impressed by the cnn-youtube debate last night. if you haven't gotten the chance to see it yet (cnn has been replaying it almost on a continous loop for the last 24 hours) you can check out the questions (by everyday citizens) & the answers (by the democratic canidates) on youtube.

Fountain of Light

Moment of Truth (& Vulnerability) # 2

engrossed in conversation, he pulls out the big guns. the words i detest hearing, but the emotion i know is embedded under my skin like a cancer.
"why are you so angry?"
i turn over on my side in disgust and try to refute the truth "i am not angry." tears well up in my eyes and it is obvious to everyone but me what exactly the truth is.

the argument had started a week before as we sat out on a park bench outside of barnes & noble. 2 girls passed us on the sidewalk just as the rain started to drop with fervor. one of the girls giggled as the rain started to drench her. her laugh was one that conveys a feigned innocence and should only be reserved for frat parties or 4th grade. in my mind i immediately read the situation as absurb, as in: "oh my god, it's raining and i wore my white tee-shirt with no bra. . . what am i gonna do?" N read it as cute.

i was furious.

i argued logic - why did she act so suprised? the girl lives in orlando, for heaven's sake, where every single afternoon it rains. without fail. i know that and i've lived here a week. i argued feminism. i argued everything i could find wrong with the situation under the sun. N didn't have any argument at all except that he found it cute and then followed it up with "what's wrong with that?"

now, nearly a week later he he was bringing up the situation again. "why are you so angry?"

i did not take his question as situational - why was i so angry at the girl with the fake laugh - but one that spoke of a greater sense of being. why am i angry at the person at the bank who makes two transactions in the drive thru? why am i angry at the customer at work who wonders where his late material is? why am i angry at the crying baby in line in front of me?

as usual, there is only one answer. i don't give it up easily because i don't revel in vulnerability. i detest my own imperfections. and when pointed out by others i have been known to go into 3 days of solitary confinement to make peace with myself. i'd much rather hide my emotions then have them examined by the people closest to me.

the truth, as so pointed out by N, was that i was not angry at a complete stranger but with myself. as a means of self preservation i daily deflect that anger at others because i can not find a healthy or even useful way to expel it from my own mind & body.

i'm taking baby steps. trying desperately to fight against the general consensus that life is a bitch and therefore happiness elusive. anger essential to survival. N is happy and therefore continually pushes me to find my own. and i have begun. baby step by baby step:
writing. therapy through words. forcing myself to push beyond every day happenings to greater truths for myself.
sweating with an ipod. daily walks. an hour on the eliptical. it clears my brain for more positive things to enter it.
photography. there's no denying i'm an amateur but i find so much pleasure in composing a great picture and finding beauty in the mundane.
friendships. in the last 2 months i have picked these up by the fistful and and clenched them to my heart. they are as essential to me as breathing. they replensh, revive, and challenge. i am nothing without my friends.

faith makes me believe that if i work towards loving myself and loving the things i do, the anger that sits under my skin will eventually dissipate like a thick fog that is burned away by the sun.