I'm Too Easy To Roll Over

There's a great Ani D lyric that goes:

you think i stand so firm
you think i sit so high on my trusty steed
let me tell you
i'm usually face down on the ground
whenever there's a stampede
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
i'm too easy to roll over
i'm too easy to wreck
i just write about what i should have done
i just sing
what i wish i could say ( i'm no heroine / living in clip )

Today, i realized just how easy i am to bulldoze over. And it's not an easy feeling to sit with. Did i give up the fight because i realized it was petty? Did i give it up because i felt that it could somehow, someway compromise our friendship? Or did i do it simply because it was easier than confronting the situation. . . again?

There is a thin line between door mat and "wow, i've got balls!" and i tend to want to tread the line that makes me just a sensible, feeling human rather than either of the above. it's a hard line to dance around and most of the time i think i trip on over to doormat more so than "i've got balls." i have never been the kind of person that likes to fight. or argue. or talk with gritted teeth for that matter. . .

Here's the situation: friend & bridesmaid picked out shoes that don't really match the dress or the formal attire that is her dress. After long debates with friends and bridesmaids, they convinced me that I should bring it up, maybe gently ask if she would buy new shoes that would match the dress better.

So after three days of pumping myself up for the conversation i finally left a message: "umm, hi. Sorry i didn't get in touch with you this weekend. it was pretty busy, but hope you had a good one. So i'm calling because um i was thinking that i would like you to get some new shoes for the wedding that match the dress better. I think it would look better for uh pictures and um C got her shoes @ bridal elegance and uh they weren't that expensive and they just dye them to match. Really simple. Just give me a call back. Ok, thanks."

the whole time during that two minute diatribe i'm thinking "wow, i got balls" but i was about to be showed up in the ball department by two that were much much bigger.

return phone call: "hi. . . . about the shoes. i really don't have time, money or a desire to get shoes that i'll never wear again." She then proceeds to say that if pictures are going to be a problem she can just take the shoes off for them.

huh. cause bare toes poking out from underneath the hem of your dress looks better than those shoes?

So i called her back and had an awkward conversation in which i apologized for having a "bridezilla" moment and said i may be mean but i would NEVER ask for her to take her shoes off for pictures. . . geesh. give me some credit as the sensible, feeling human being that i am.

So now i wonder should i have put up more of a fight. Offered to pay for them? Insisted? Or did i do the right thing by dropping it and saying that's fine, i understand. Money is tight for everyone. Time is of the essence too.

Truth is i wasn't a bridezilla. I asked as gently as i could after giving the situation much thought and contemplation. but i still fear that that was how i came off: angry, insistent & unfriendly. It seems the few times that i do cross that line into "wow, i got balls!" i am rebuked and it throws me back into doormat. Not because i am so hurt by the others responses but because i feel like such a bad human being when it's all said and done.