Britney

Ok, ok. I wasn't a believer. I thought your glory days had been left behind you in a cloud of Toxic. You know with the child abuse allegations, the disastrous marriage to aspiring rap star & actor K-Fed, and a few pictures made public of your cha-cha as you got out of a car, the late nights out with your babies, the partying with Lindsay (rehab superstar) & Paris (jail bird), the emotional break down during your interview with Matt Lauer, the bad style choices, chewing gum on CNN during your discourse of war, the shaved head . . . .well . . . the list could go on and on but i'll stop there to save you a little bit of dignity. I admit, i had lost a little faith in you. I thought a comeback was impossible. I stay tuned like so many others just waiting for the run-away train to finally hit a wall.

But. . . .perez hilton has been chronicling your new releases the last couple of days and i've been tasting the samples. And their not that bad. Granted, their not Toxic or Hit Me (baby, one more time) or even Me Against the Music (featuring Madonna) but their not half bad either. Gimme Me - the remix - made my foot tap to the beat and it created this warm fuzzy sensation that made me want to crimp my hair, put on a low cut shirt and go out for drinks & dancing.

So essentially what i'm saying is that i'm glad you're back on the scene - i like thinking of you for your great music rather than with shaved head, cowboy hat and babydoll dress, balancing a baby on your hip as you juggle a frappacino in your hand. I like this you better. and i just want to let you know that i've missed you. and i know that a million other club goers have too.

Congrats on already breaking #80 (on your first day!) in the top #100.

Exercise

i took a shower last night around 10. this morning i can't find the motivation to go for a run. maybe if i don't take a shower now, i'll be more motivated later on to run just so i can take a shower. errands first. run later.

i hate exercise.

Fire, Puke, Ticks & Great Shoes

Since i've gotten home:

I found a tick crawling across my counter in all it's buggy creepiness. I killed it with the bottom of a glass and then on went on a rampage through the house checking sheets, couch cushions & my furry little friend, Matisse, for all things tick. He didn't appear to have anything, but i swear to god i've developed a rash on my bum since it's discovery.

Ruined my favorite pair of brown shoes because I wrongly assumed that shoe polish was a "one size fits all scenario." Meaning, that if i bought a brown colored shoe polish it would magically evolve in all it's magical-ness to match the color of my shoe. So even though I wikipedia'd how to polish a shoe, it didn't answer my questions so I went ahead with the mahogany colored shoe polish on a dark brown shoe and then wondered why it wasn't transforming. I kind of feel like Jessica Simpson thinking Buffalo Wings were really Buffalo Meat. Or Chicken of the Sea, Chicken.

Set off the fire alarms with my cooking. I had accidentally left an old pizza box in the oven and 6 weeks later when i returned i turned on stove and wondered after about 10 minutes of it warming up why there was a funky smell of burning. When my nose finally connected with my brain, i ran to the stove, opened it up and pulled a smoking box from the inside. I ran with the smoking box to the patio, stepped outside, realized i had no pants on and dropped the box and ran back inside. Classy eh?

Cleaned up a big pile of puke this morning. Matisse has been relentlessly chewing on bones since my return home and i think his stomach may have gotten a little upset due to the excessive amount of cow hide in his gut. Regardless, it was a nice wake up call. While in Florida, i had really missed getting on my hands & knees & scraping bits of food out of the carpet.

I still haven't unpacked because I just don't even know to begin to deal with this:
If there was a prize for the worst closet setup, this apartment complex would take 1st place. Completely useless.










I can't even take a good picture. Case in point below. That picture could be total frame worthy if the camera had not been set on the ACTION! setting.











I guess my whole life has kind of felt off kilter since my return. I guess i'm just not the same without N.

On the bright side, the shoes below are brand new (in the original box w/ tags), all leather stilettos. . . .
and were a whopping $.99 @ Salvation Army!!!! In the words of P. Hilton, that's HOT!

With Bated Breath, I'm Sure

I know that all of my loyal readers (all 3 of you) have suffered sleep deprivation, anxiety attacks & a general restlessness you just can't seem to shake off since my last entry. I understand. It happens to the best & the strongest of us. Well, i'm here to save you and update you on the going ons.

The flight home was absolute hell. That is if hell happens on a 747 jet with 200 people on board, 150 of them being small crying children. This same hell would have no air conditioning aboard the plane, make a fuel stop in Nashville because of undisclosed fuel leakage, have no ice to serve with beverages and also extend an ordinary 2 1/2 hour flight to an unbearable 4 hours. Yes, that would be hell alright. However, Midwest made strides to redeem themselves by holding my connecting flight for an hour so that i could get home on time. And it worked. I was overjoyed to reach the pavement in GR.

I had a wedding shower thrown by my best friend. It was beautiful and wonderful and I got a whole bunch of gifts that are stacked behind the couch awaiting N's arrival home so that we can go through them together and look at each one and stroke each one and think about how perfect it will be in our perfect little life. Or maybe that will just be me. The only one that i've actually used so far are the wind chimes from A which are currently out on the balcony chiming away. I am in love with them.

Speaking of the wedding, once upon a time (say about a year ago) when i wasn't worried about time constraints, a budget or how the hell I could pull off a wedding i had the genius idea of setting up bare trees at the front for the ceremony and I would hang beautifully beaded votive candles from them. It would enclose us all in and be the naturalistic backdrop N enjoys and yet be simply stunning (what i enjoy). Great idea right? Yeah well the execution of genius idea is not going so well. My uncle said I could cut a few trees off his property but he's not sure which ones would work yet and then of course I would have to find a way to transport them back to Gr. Also, I have googled every single phrasing I can think of that would encompass exactly what i'm looking for:
"autumn fake trees"
"fake trees"
"trees fake"
"leafless fake tree"
"halloween tree"
"fake bare trees"
and every time i get directed to silk trees or christmas trees or trees that are too small or lit with gaudy orange lights or are composed out of shredded plastic. I've gone to websites that said they had every kind of tree imaginable! trees for every occasion! custom made trees! but i am here to say that is not true because they don't have the kind of tree that i'm looking for. . . .
I did find one site that sold an autumn tree for $78.20 but they didn't look reputable, didn't provide good enough spefications & not to mention, what the hell am i going to do with 3 fake 7' trees in 2 months? Next up, the nursery's but i'm not sure how i'm going to broach that subject "excuse me do have any dead trees?" I could revert to a plan B if only i had one. . .

yes, so if you have got any ideas i'm open to them.

I Hate Elitist Tattle Tales

Note found on dryer:
Please remove clothing so others may do their wash.
Managment,
Tony M

Our Response:
Time in: 6:30pm
Time out: 7:35pm
We'll remove our clothes when they are dry.
Thank you very much,
Paying Customer

Driving Force

awkward. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pregnant. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . pauses
and then a rushsopowerful it causes adrenaline to shoot through my veins,
it causes muscles to tense
and fists to form.
so many times i just don't know what to say.
it falls between apology and justification. it
f
a
l
l
s
between acting the child & being the adult
sometimes all i can do is hold the receiver far from ear so i don't hear the mutterings of what i believe is disappointment
anger
or sadness.
it's hard to decipher which is which.
your voice never sways. it drives in a vertical line and gains speed in the straight-a-way.
i used to wave the white flag and when you'd jolt to a stop in front of my broken body i would try to explain away the situation.
i would try to diffuse the bomb.
but these days, you speed toward me and i don't wave the flag.
don't ask for a truce.
don't try to stop you.
i let the car hit my knees.
let the tires roll over me.
this outcome, i've come to realize,
is far better for mind
body
soul
than all the others.
because when all is said and done,
i am still capable of picking my broken body off the ground
and heading in the opposite direction
of your driving force.

Wek-a, Wek-a

This morning N & I went on a canoe trip under the expectation that it would just be us and the great outdoors. . . .

NOT!

Instead, we were surrounded by snorkelers that were doing turtle research and a youth group that didn't know how to properly interact with adults let alone steer a canoe. And while i was no natural, i certainly had the hang of it by the end.

But regardless of loud teenagers and the continuous danger of running into snorkelers, the trip was breathtaking with herons, egrits & a turtle that swam along the canoe just momentarily. It was more beautiful than any picture could convey, but i tried anyways.

If you'd like to see more, click on my flickr.

iPhone Bill

In Apple's effort to go greener, I think they may have overlooked something. 300 pages of data transactions that amounted to a measley $220.

The Hour Of Power

i have been thinking about you.

it's just for the last 4 days i haven't been able to think of anything worthwhile to write about. everything drips with mediocracy and the hum-drum of life. and while that's only interesting in the details (for instance, i bought a piece of luggage and the most exciting part about it is that it's hot pink) it's not enough to build a solid entry around.

But i'll give you a peek into all the things i've been thinking about, because essentially, it's better than not writing at all. in no particular order: coming home, calling the judge who will marry us, wedding insurance, leaving N, budget, alcohol that we can't afford, paying another deposit to our caterer, invitations, responses, The Hills, a dress fitting, how this lifestyle is not condusive to weight loss, 105 temperatures & outdoor exercise, a job, hurricanes, matisse.

see, i told you it wouldn't be exciting. but it's alll that buzzes around my head. day in, day out.

i've been waking up late at night at what i call the hour of power - around 4am. it usually starts with a trip to the bathroom and then i just begin to wander the small confines of this space. i check my e-mail, the blogs i read. i lay on the couch and try to close my eyes but my head just keeps on running. it's been something i've been fighting since Matisse came into our lives or since i really started planning this wedding, i don't know which. I don't believe it's a cause or effect, i just believe that a little knob turned somewhere in my head and told me that i can't relax, i can't rest, i have to check off little boxes on my internal to do list. maybe it comes with age and maturity. maybe when your body & mind realize that you have emotionally graduated from college and can no longer spend long nights dangling a cigarette over the ash tray, taking long drags from it in between sips of cheap beer. Maybe the mind knows it's no longer useful or beneficial (was it ever?) to stay up till 5 am in the morning and sleep till 3 pm that afternoon. Life no longer becomes ruled by our own selfishness but we must grow up for others - for matisse that needs to be walked twice a day, by finding a job that helps me to contribute to our dreams, to put together a wedding that i am proud of and others enjoy.

It's not that we want to grow up. there are times i would still like to max my credit card out on bar outfits & bar tabs. there are still times i wished i lived in my studio apartment built for one because it means i wouldn't have the responsibility of caring for 3. i still wish for careless days in which i could eat fast food at 4 am. but now that i'm older & supposably, wiser i know none of that is who i am. the knob turned and i became older. i now save for long trips around the world and try as i might i cannot revert back to a time that now lays behind me. i must move forward because its impossible to go any other direction.

That's Not Just Any Smoke Trail . . .

That's from the Endeavour Space Launch. Sorry, I missed out on getting you an actual picture of the space ship. It was faster than my camera could pick up but it essentially looked like a burning cigarette shooting through the sky.

I'll Admit It, I Can't Get Enough

I have the bug so badly that i hunted down the 2nd book last night @ 9pm. Desperate, i tell you, desperate.

Scraping The Bottom Of The Barrel

1. For the sake of this post, I just learned how to spell Barrel thanks to my beloved Dictionary.com. I thought it had 2 L's or 2 R's or both.

2. For the last 10 or 12 days i've had my period. yeah, good times. sign me up for this more often. please. It started with slight spotting last Monday, got a little heavier on Wednesday and hasn't stopped since. It's nothing if not determined. And the whole thing has totally drained me of energy, has been causing havoc on the innards and has replaced my usual sunny disposation with a rain cloud complete with thunder claps. I'm sure N is just loving the new me . . . when he asks how i'm doing he expects the socially acceptable response of "good" or even "fine" but instead he gets a woman who's eyes bug out of her head, her hair stands straight on end and says "take a guess?? i dare you. . ." My guts hurt. it flucuates between intense cramping, a constant pressure and the feeling that my insides are trying to spill out through my belly button. And when it isn't my stomache it feels like i've been hit with a baseball bat on my temple. Or if my head is not throbbing, i'm so exhausted i sleep the whole day away on the couch.

I couldn't be better. really.

3. I finally picked up the first Harry Potter book. Yes, i said the 1st one. Truth is i wanted to wait until all the hoopla was over. Till it just became a really good book and not a national phenomenon or pop culture icon. Unfortunately, i'm starting to believe that will never happen considering i happened to accidently step into Borders Books the night of the final book release. Good Lord, i was the only Muggle in the whole store. It instantly transported me the most horrific memory of working until midnight at B&N to satisfy some kid's fix. They would come to my with drug crazed eyes asking when exactly the book would be released (midnight), what happened in it (i don't know kid, just because i work at this god forsaken place doesn't mean i am privillaged enough to read books that haven't even been released. I'm a cashier. Not J.K Rowling's editor), and what character i would be if i could (myself. that's why you don't see me dressed in big round glasses and a cape).

But i finally can say that i've made peace with all the hoopla. Have accepted it for what it is. And am REALLY enjoying the book.

4. One good thing came out of the broken camera. N's looking forward to getting a new, more improved one next. And i've already told myself to keep my accident prone hands off it.

5. Released a little over a year ago and i recently just bought the entire album. Corrinne Bailey Rae/Self Titled. Excellent. Pick it up.

How To Ruin A Good Day

It's this simple: have a great morning at Ponce Inlet. Proceed to Daytona Beach. Take your boyfriend's $200 camera out to said beach. Wait long enough for high tide. Then have wave wash up on beach getting the camera both wet & sandy.

Then in a desperate attempt to resolve the issue, spend 10 minutes in car trying to wipe away every bit of sand, turn it on to make sure it's still functioning and have the lense not retract when turn off.

Later boyfriend will tell you of importance of not turning on electronics when they are wet.

Walk away feeling like an idiot and realizing there is absolutely nothing you can do to rectify the situation. But just in case offer your life savings which amounts to a measly $75, which doesn't even pay for half of the camera.

End fun. Start not so fun.

Now that i think about it, and after having 3 days to think about it, turning tricks on the corner (per N's suggestion) may not be a half bad idea.

Ignorance Is Bliss & So Is Animal Planet At 7am

I have found that there are alternative ways to wake up in the morning. i don't need an alarm clock, i don't need the smell of coffee to lull me from my dreams or the voices of free beer & hot wings @ 5.30 in the morning. i don't need sweet kisses from my boyfriend or my dog (depending on my geographic location).

All i need is Animal Planet at 7 am. the quiet videos of other people starting their days. the sunrise over small ports, over coastal cities. i just need images of a kayak moving slowly through the ocean drowned in the morning light. i just need to watch small fishing ships load up their vessels with crab traps and hear the hum of engines and the songs of the sea gulls overhead. at that hour you don't want to think about crises around the world via CNN, hear the voice of a used car salesman during commercial breaks, or try to muddle through the drama of Law & Order, or the laughs of Kelly Rippa at such an early and volatile hour.

i want to wake up and believe that all is well in the world, that everyone rested as well as i. i need beautiful scenic imagery of the ocean moving in soft, rhythmatic patterns. i need the photo of an empty path through a winding forest. i need something peaceful that quiets me inside as well as out. that inspires me to open the curtains wide. to walk out the front door to an unpredictable world.

BlogHer

when i was in college, i found the only way i could truly study for an exam was in my bedroom with lab like conditions: a clean space in which every item was in its given place, indirect lighting, a total of 3 cds playing at random loud enough that i could hear the instruments but not the singing, a big mug of coffee to sip between thoughts and a blanket to wrap around me when i became chilled. these were the only conditions that worked for me. they were the only conditions that allowed for enough concentration to guarantee that A the next day.

i find i need similiar circumstances when posting on my blog. i tend to hunch down in a lazy chair, toss a blanket over my legs, put in my ear buds, pour myself a glass of wine and hunker down for the long haul until i like the post enough to actually expose it to eyes other than my own.

in this regard, N & i are completely different people. he sits down for 5 minutes in the evening and writes what is on his mind. mine can be a 3 hour endeavour. i believe there has to be some story, some insight, some lesson i've walked away from to become a more rounded person. i want to offer you something that i have sacrificed myself for.

but i don't know if that's the case. i don't know if people check my blog 3x a day to see i've updated. i don't know if people look forward to reading this. i don't know if they recommend it to others. i don't know if it's listed in their favorites.

which ultimately brings me to the point of all this blabbering. i've encountered blogher, a community of blogging women. it's a place to post your blog, gain exposure, connect with other women through mutual interest. it's caught my attention and i think i would like to join but to be honest i just don't know if I am at their level. i've read some of the blogs that belong to this community and they are, well, fucking fantastic.

these women have something worthwhile to say every single day. they talk of struggles with their children, their marriages, their careers. they take beautiful, perfectly composed pictures. they come up with catchy titles and funny antedotes. they paint beautiful pictures with words. they are what i strive to be.

i know it's all about vulnerability. all about self-esteem. i am not so closed off to myself that i don't realize that. but i'm hesistant to put something out there for constructive criticism when it is so near and dear to my heart (when it takes me 5 hours to compose 5 paragraphs). when it's my life we're talking about. i fear the reprecussions of that. but on the other hand, i don't want to live a life ruled by fear. it gets you nowhere. especially not to a place where one day i can say proudly that i have accomplished my dreams.