The Hour Of Power

i have been thinking about you.

it's just for the last 4 days i haven't been able to think of anything worthwhile to write about. everything drips with mediocracy and the hum-drum of life. and while that's only interesting in the details (for instance, i bought a piece of luggage and the most exciting part about it is that it's hot pink) it's not enough to build a solid entry around.

But i'll give you a peek into all the things i've been thinking about, because essentially, it's better than not writing at all. in no particular order: coming home, calling the judge who will marry us, wedding insurance, leaving N, budget, alcohol that we can't afford, paying another deposit to our caterer, invitations, responses, The Hills, a dress fitting, how this lifestyle is not condusive to weight loss, 105 temperatures & outdoor exercise, a job, hurricanes, matisse.

see, i told you it wouldn't be exciting. but it's alll that buzzes around my head. day in, day out.

i've been waking up late at night at what i call the hour of power - around 4am. it usually starts with a trip to the bathroom and then i just begin to wander the small confines of this space. i check my e-mail, the blogs i read. i lay on the couch and try to close my eyes but my head just keeps on running. it's been something i've been fighting since Matisse came into our lives or since i really started planning this wedding, i don't know which. I don't believe it's a cause or effect, i just believe that a little knob turned somewhere in my head and told me that i can't relax, i can't rest, i have to check off little boxes on my internal to do list. maybe it comes with age and maturity. maybe when your body & mind realize that you have emotionally graduated from college and can no longer spend long nights dangling a cigarette over the ash tray, taking long drags from it in between sips of cheap beer. Maybe the mind knows it's no longer useful or beneficial (was it ever?) to stay up till 5 am in the morning and sleep till 3 pm that afternoon. Life no longer becomes ruled by our own selfishness but we must grow up for others - for matisse that needs to be walked twice a day, by finding a job that helps me to contribute to our dreams, to put together a wedding that i am proud of and others enjoy.

It's not that we want to grow up. there are times i would still like to max my credit card out on bar outfits & bar tabs. there are still times i wished i lived in my studio apartment built for one because it means i wouldn't have the responsibility of caring for 3. i still wish for careless days in which i could eat fast food at 4 am. but now that i'm older & supposably, wiser i know none of that is who i am. the knob turned and i became older. i now save for long trips around the world and try as i might i cannot revert back to a time that now lays behind me. i must move forward because its impossible to go any other direction.