engrossed in conversation, he pulls out the big guns. the words i detest hearing, but the emotion i know is embedded under my skin like a cancer.
"why are you so angry?"
i turn over on my side in disgust and try to refute the truth "i am not angry." tears well up in my eyes and it is obvious to everyone but me what exactly the truth is.
the argument had started a week before as we sat out on a park bench outside of barnes & noble. 2 girls passed us on the sidewalk just as the rain started to drop with fervor. one of the girls giggled as the rain started to drench her. her laugh was one that conveys a feigned innocence and should only be reserved for frat parties or 4th grade. in my mind i immediately read the situation as absurb, as in: "oh my god, it's raining and i wore my white tee-shirt with no bra. . . what am i gonna do?" N read it as cute.
i was furious.
i argued logic - why did she act so suprised? the girl lives in orlando, for heaven's sake, where every single afternoon it rains. without fail. i know that and i've lived here a week. i argued feminism. i argued everything i could find wrong with the situation under the sun. N didn't have any argument at all except that he found it cute and then followed it up with "what's wrong with that?"
now, nearly a week later he he was bringing up the situation again. "why are you so angry?"
i did not take his question as situational - why was i so angry at the girl with the fake laugh - but one that spoke of a greater sense of being. why am i angry at the person at the bank who makes two transactions in the drive thru? why am i angry at the customer at work who wonders where his late material is? why am i angry at the crying baby in line in front of me?
as usual, there is only one answer. i don't give it up easily because i don't revel in vulnerability. i detest my own imperfections. and when pointed out by others i have been known to go into 3 days of solitary confinement to make peace with myself. i'd much rather hide my emotions then have them examined by the people closest to me.
the truth, as so pointed out by N, was that i was not angry at a complete stranger but with myself. as a means of self preservation i daily deflect that anger at others because i can not find a healthy or even useful way to expel it from my own mind & body.
i'm taking baby steps. trying desperately to fight against the general consensus that life is a bitch and therefore happiness elusive. anger essential to survival. N is happy and therefore continually pushes me to find my own. and i have begun. baby step by baby step:
writing. therapy through words. forcing myself to push beyond every day happenings to greater truths for myself.
sweating with an ipod. daily walks. an hour on the eliptical. it clears my brain for more positive things to enter it.
photography. there's no denying i'm an amateur but i find so much pleasure in composing a great picture and finding beauty in the mundane.
friendships. in the last 2 months i have picked these up by the fistful and and clenched them to my heart. they are as essential to me as breathing. they replensh, revive, and challenge. i am nothing without my friends.
faith makes me believe that if i work towards loving myself and loving the things i do, the anger that sits under my skin will eventually dissipate like a thick fog that is burned away by the sun.
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