Ah Hah

i'm still not at the point that i can laugh about it. i'm sure someday soon i will be able to. accidents happen and even thought i would like to believe i'm immune to them. i'm not. i'm human. which means i'm full of mistakes.

i had one of these "ah-hah" moments today. standing in the kitchen with my brother-in-law acknowledging the fact that locking my keys in the car made me distraught (it had) and that i was more concerned about other's reactions than about how simply accidental it had been.

it's true. i was thinking how this was inconviencing everyone else -
Anna who had to drive me to my parents.
Howie & Mike who had to give up video game time to assist
Nathan's reaction when he would find out that i would have to pay $80 to get a locksmith and his reaction when i would inevitably have to tell him that i lost his keys
My parents who would have to stay up later to bring me to my apartment
The security guard that would have to take the time out of his schedule to let me in my apartment.
the locksmith, already lacking sleep, that would have to come open my car
matisse, who would have to tag along for the whole adventure, rather than just curling up on a couch and going to sleep.

and then to top it off, i apologized to all of the above, even to the security guard & locksmith whose JOB it is to help me.

and then i apologized for being so distraught.

when did i start apologizing for my life?
for being me?

it's a vicious cycle i've created for myself. and now @ 25 years old i have to find a way to stop it. i've become a person who feels guilty for a majority of my life. for not cleaning the house. for eating the wrong food. for not doing laundry when i think i should. for taking matisse for 2 walks rather than 3. for not completing an assigment on time. i have the mentality of a beaten housewife, but have never been abused by anyone except myself. i beat myself up. i tell myself i'm inconviencing people. i tell myself that i'm not good enough. that i need to be better next time. that i have to be perfect ALL the time.

and i'm not perfect. sometimes i eat after 7.30 pm. sometimes my schedule is too busy to get in that extra walk. sometimes N might have to scrounge through his closet for something to wear because it's been 5 days since i've done laundry. sometimes i lock my keys in the car.

and rather than acknowledging this as a reality, i acknowledge it as another fault to add to the ever-growing list. I MUST IMPROVE, i tell myself. and then when i don't. or can't. or won't. the cycle begins again. do said fault. beat self up for said fault. tell myself i must not fail again. inevitably fail again.

the truth is no one was truly bothered:
Anna had to drive Madeleine to sleep anyways
Howie & Mike said they were not bothered
Nathan wasn't mad about the locksmith or his keys (which were in my car)
my parents said it was no big deal
the security guard was just doing his job
the locksmith got $80 for performing his 20 second job
matisse still got a full nights sleep.

it was really only me who came away from the experience battered. it was only me who did the battering. it is only me who can stop it in the future.