Change Or Lack Of

Aah, the wonderful feeling of beating someone into submission; of playing the bad guy. There's nothing like that high. Or so I hear. It's not really a description I like to fill. In fact, I feel a little piece of me die every time I have to take on the role because it is so out of character for me. I am typically the one to empathize, to sympathize and then to gently nudge forward over shared commaraderie and a stiff martini. That's more my style; how I move in the world.

But i've learned that approach works better with girlfriends than my own husband. He's not one to sit down for a good round of girl talk which includes hypothesizing about the future, belief of what our role is in the world, the nuances of our relationship, and how we've changed in the past and how we'll probably change in the future. That's not his style. He deals better in mathematical formulas and scientific theory than matters of the heart. Especially when it concerns his own.

For a while now I've tried encouraging N to start searching for a new job. Our short stint as two unemployed married adults with the possibility of moving in with the in-laws jerked my chain a little, made me realize that some life goals needed to be in place for us to achieve whatever dreams we want out of life. Or at the very least, to ensure that we can pay our rent payment next month. I'm a realist after all and like to live my life with a back up plan (and then a back-up plan for that one).

While my skills easily carry from state to state, border to border, job to job N's are a little more specialized and well, higher paying, so i had made it my own personal goal to help him realize his dreams. Which, ironically, has also become a very real nightmare for him.

I tried at first with the gentle approach, bringing up the touchy subject only when I felt like his guard was down and tried sparing him any real pain by making the conversation as quick as possible while still feeling satisified that I had made my point. However, no real epiphanies were reached; no heart-to-hearts lasting beyond 5 minutes and involving ben & jerrys.

I'm not saying i'm a master of communication by any means. I can tell whole world my woes and worries but when it comes to sitting one-on-one with the ONE who really matters, i get tongue tied and typically shut down becauase I don't want ot offend, hurt or in any way disappoint.

But, I also realize when there is a need and usually focus all my energy into fulfilling that need, meaning neccessity has always breed invention. So, I grabbed his hand and hoped that my assistance in the process could yield results: I updated his resumes, helped him write a couple of cover letters, searched on Monster for jobs I thought he would excel at/be qualified for/enjoy and e-mailed them to him.

When I first met N, he was goofy and quirky and the most intelligent person I had ever encountered and oh, so different than I. He had a savings account, I was living off a credit card. My apartment was a design not an afterthough, while he spent his time lounging on a foam couch he had inhertited from a family member. I thought appearance was everything, while he hadn't picked up an iron in several years and believed that black jeans were acceptable.

But I told myself that I wouldn't try to change him, because I had fallen in love with him just as he was. And I haven't changed him intentionally or for altruistic reasons, we have slowly evolved together. I am debt free, he picked out our dishes, I have days where I don't wear makeup, he has retired the black jeans.

So I come to my own realization; the ephiphany I was pushing N towards I have found myself: It's unfair to want someone to take on your hopes, dreams, desires as their own if they don't want them too. I should have taken the cue a long time ago when I realized prodding wasn't working so why would yelling and cussing and general mania? He, at this point, has no desire for change whether because he enjoys his job more than I know or because he loves this crazy, completely unrpedictable lifestyle or because he's afraid of seeking the change he thinks he might need to make.

Either way, it's not me who can facilitate it. I can question him, challenge him and help him realize potential, but I certaintly can't force it.

I'll accept the status quo and try not to worry about tomorrow; we can't fight against the unknown. I'll try to make my own happiness rather than force a change of scenery, a different situation, in hopes that that will finally make me happy.

Necessity breeds invention. Therefore, it's time to create my own happiness.

And give time, patience and a loving heart so N can create his too.