BlogHer

when i was in college, i found the only way i could truly study for an exam was in my bedroom with lab like conditions: a clean space in which every item was in its given place, indirect lighting, a total of 3 cds playing at random loud enough that i could hear the instruments but not the singing, a big mug of coffee to sip between thoughts and a blanket to wrap around me when i became chilled. these were the only conditions that worked for me. they were the only conditions that allowed for enough concentration to guarantee that A the next day.

i find i need similiar circumstances when posting on my blog. i tend to hunch down in a lazy chair, toss a blanket over my legs, put in my ear buds, pour myself a glass of wine and hunker down for the long haul until i like the post enough to actually expose it to eyes other than my own.

in this regard, N & i are completely different people. he sits down for 5 minutes in the evening and writes what is on his mind. mine can be a 3 hour endeavour. i believe there has to be some story, some insight, some lesson i've walked away from to become a more rounded person. i want to offer you something that i have sacrificed myself for.

but i don't know if that's the case. i don't know if people check my blog 3x a day to see i've updated. i don't know if people look forward to reading this. i don't know if they recommend it to others. i don't know if it's listed in their favorites.

which ultimately brings me to the point of all this blabbering. i've encountered blogher, a community of blogging women. it's a place to post your blog, gain exposure, connect with other women through mutual interest. it's caught my attention and i think i would like to join but to be honest i just don't know if I am at their level. i've read some of the blogs that belong to this community and they are, well, fucking fantastic.

these women have something worthwhile to say every single day. they talk of struggles with their children, their marriages, their careers. they take beautiful, perfectly composed pictures. they come up with catchy titles and funny antedotes. they paint beautiful pictures with words. they are what i strive to be.

i know it's all about vulnerability. all about self-esteem. i am not so closed off to myself that i don't realize that. but i'm hesistant to put something out there for constructive criticism when it is so near and dear to my heart (when it takes me 5 hours to compose 5 paragraphs). when it's my life we're talking about. i fear the reprecussions of that. but on the other hand, i don't want to live a life ruled by fear. it gets you nowhere. especially not to a place where one day i can say proudly that i have accomplished my dreams.